Got friend who gets bad treatment because of his looks

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I'm just posting on here because I'm curious about just getting some regular people's advice and opinions on this. I got a friend who is a good person who gets some very bad treatment because of the way he looks, he has a facial deformity, the deformity is no in a particular place, his general facial structure has never grown properly and he looks, as the nasty judgemental people that we see sometimes say it, he's hideous. I don't view him that way because I care for him, but I've seen how people look at him and treat him sometimes, it's sometimes horrible, he doesn't get treated equally, and I don't know what to do.

For example, when we get served, like for example, at Krispy Kreme, the woman helping us greeted me and my girlfriend with pleasantly and a smile, but as soon as she looked at him, her smile disappeared instantly, her tone changed to very abrupt and made it very obvious that she did not want to be looking at him or be near him. And sadly, I know it's because of his appearance. I've read about lookism and how it's a very real thing. And the woman at Krispy Kreme is far from the only time this happened.

What's even worse is that my friend has tried talking to the people serving him that treat him this way and telling them how they've hurt him, and not only do they not seem to care, but him doing just freaks them out more. Why do they have to treat him like this just because of his appearance? Do they not see someone as a human being with feelings once they see something in that particular person that weirds them out? (and I know freaky (or deformed or whatever) looking faces do weird some people out. Also, why does it only weird them out more when he tells them that their treatment has hurt him? Is confronting someone about mistreating you for your appearance when you're hard on their eyes a bad move?

Please don't say that his mistreatment is not because of his appearance, because he has a noticeable deformity, he's not getting treated the same way I and other people are getting treated because I am seeing it many times. Plus, I have overhead a few of the people who have treated him badly utter remarks to their friends/ co worker how hideous he is. It really hurts me to see him continue getting treated this way because I really care about him. Please, if you have any advice on what else to do, like should he keep telling the people hurting him that they're hurting him? Because that just weirds them out more, it doesn't help, they're rarely apologetic. Should I say anything else to these people, because when I've done it, they don't really want to answer me or respond. Any advice any of you got, I'd really appreciate.

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Based on 10 votes (6 yes)

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Comments ( 18 )

barefoot_on_the_sand

5 years ago

We can't change others' perception of ourselves but I think that, by being a good friend and letting him know you care it's a good start.
Most people are shallow jerks.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  That's true. Just curious, do you think it's a bad idea for my friend to keep confronting the people who mistreat him? Because they're not taking it well and it's not getting him anywhere, in fact it's usually making things worse. Sorry, I asked that several times in my post too, my friend is the one who's really wanting an answer to that.
  
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  - barefoot_on_the_sand
    
    5 years ago
    
    I don't believe confrontation in this case will work. Maybe he should ignore those who aren't civil enough and spend his energy loving himself and being around those who care.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      5 years ago
      
      Good answer. It hasn't worked, so I guess we have no choice but to handle it differently. I'll talk to him, he just gets hurt by these people, but I guess he's going to have to try and learn that he can't change how they think no matter how shallow or unfair they're being. He's going to have to learn to be confident no matter how badly these people continue to act.
      
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sissycakes

5 years ago

so sad. it is sweet that you care. just be there for him and also give these people the stink eye, the middle finger, or something so they will know not to treat people like shit and maybe change their mind about being so horrible.

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ArsenicLacedLollipops

5 years ago

I've dealt with a similar if differing version of this. I'm visibly disabled, and strangers can have strong reactions to it.It can be hurtful, frustrating, infuriating, sad, and annoying. Your being validating of your friends experience is wonderful. It is absolutely unfair, but nothing your friend can do will change it.

If it's possible, therapy might be a good option for your friend. It won't make anyone stop being rude to them, but it may help your friend to handle it in healthier ways, and to not be as negatively affected by it.
A technique I sometimes use is trying to shift my mindset about it- I try think about it as funny. The people acting rudely are clearly ignorant if they are behaving that way- so laugh at them. It won't change anything about their behavior, but thinking about them as silly jerks that are beneath you can take away some of their power to make you unhappy.

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Nednerb43

5 years ago

It might work out to just own it and go with it. Nobody has a magic wand to make us feel certain ways , we can let ourselves be happy, angry,silly,sad whatever . My advice roll with the punches and maybe get him to laugh at himself. Look at josh blue(dont know if its spelled correctly) the dude isnt hideous but he would turn heads , and hes toured the world doing comedy and many others like him as well.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  Yes, he's going to have to try to roll with the punches better. Nobody has a magic wand to make other people accept someone, was that what you meant when you said "nobody has a magic wand to make us feel certain ways"?
  
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  - Nednerb43
    
    5 years ago
    
    No , its something a friend learned in anger management actually lol, the idea was that he would let himself be angry from other's actions so he just has to try harder not to be angry.so i see it as we need to try harder to be happy or whatever mood would work best at the time.
    
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Boojum

5 years ago

I'm sure it's tough for him to experience and for you to watch, but people do make snap judgements based on appearance only. That seems to be hardwired into all of us. His unusual facial arrangement might also make it difficult for people to read his expressions, so that could have something to do with it.

He has to deal with this in whatever way works for him. If he feels that, on balance, he feels better after confronting and challenging people, then he should do that. But I think he has to understand that he's not going to change the world and human instincts single-handed. It might help for him to bear in mind that half the world's population is of below average intelligence, and the opinions and prejudices of stupid people really shouldn't matter to him. That's their problem.

As far as the comments you've overheard are concerned, those people are really pretty damn immature and petty if that's something they think it's worth spending time talking about.

A thought that occurred to me when reading the Krispy Kreme anecdote is that it would be interesting to see a video of the server's expression and attitude changing when she dealt with him. Maybe time for some covert filming and a lookism Youtube channel. In that particular case, if the change in attitude really was as extreme as you say, referring KK management to the video would probably result in him getting some free doughnuts. Which wouldn't be much compensation for the insult, but it would be something...

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  Recording bad and unfair attitudes can always be a possibility to fight for equal treatment, but I'm still not sure if that's going to always make someone see past their looks. At worst, these people may still only feel resentful, and it seems that you can not always make someone not judge a person based on looks. It would also be nice if we wouldn't have to deal with the strain of always having to fight just to get someone to not be judged on their looks. Some people just don't want to look past my friend's appearance no matter what is said to them. It seems to be hard wired into some people's heads to not feel comfortable looking at someone who is hard on their eyes, no matter how much they're told that he's still a person with feelings.
  
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brutus

5 years ago

Its all normal. People are not born equal. Your friend will need to grow a thick skin.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  He should do his part and try to thicken his skin. I know that people are not all born equal, but people should at least accept that and not judge those who aren't equal.
  
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Ellenna

5 years ago

You could be a good friend and do at least some of the confronting yourself, assuming you ask him first if that's ok.

For example, the person who greeted others but not him, you could've said, "And this is my friend ...name ......., give him a smile too."

I used to do this sort of thing when I travelled in Western Australia with Aboriginal people: eg people in shops insisting on serving me first when there were dozens of locals ahead of me or a security goon in Alice Springs who wouldn't let a young woman in the shopping centre in bar feet but had no problem with mine.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  Yes, it's sad, because them not letting one person in with bare feet but being ok with another may be a looks thing also. As Boojum said, it's often hardwired into one's head to not feel comfortable looking at a face that's harder on the eyes.
  
  I have actually done before what you said and tried introducing my friend to people, and they still try to back away from smiling or making any kind of conversation with him. I have not succeeded in making some people look past his appearance and see him as a person and as someone with feelings. It seems that you can not always make someone do that.
  
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  - Ellenna
    
    5 years ago
    
    It wasn't a "looks thing" except to do with skin colour, it was blatantly racist.
    
    I wasn't suggesting forcing these morons to acknowledge your friend would necessarily change their bigoted attitudes, but personal interaction might give some of them them the realization that your friend is a human being as worthy of respect and ordinary good manners as everyone else. The main positive result would be to support him publicly and take some of the burden off him.
    
    The situation isn't one which can be solved by any one encounter or even by many and it must be exhausting and undermining for him to have to encounter this bullshit on an ongoing basis for the rest of his life. He's fortunate to have you as a good friend, keep up the support.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      5 years ago
      
      Thanks, I will keep supporting my friend, we'll just both have to accept though that we won't be able to bring everyone to the realization that he's human since we haven't been able to do so, and it looks like you do realize that since you said "personal reaction might give some of them the realization.." rather than "personal reaction will give all of them the realization..".
      
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      - Ellenna
        
        5 years ago
        
        I'm fairly realistic about the ability of fuckwits to change their attitudes, but I still keep trying to do so at least once before I give up. You never know, even some bystander might rethink their own attitudes if they observe you and/or your friend responding to rude and discriminatory treatment.
        
        Accept you can't change the world but do the best you can to make a statement: I call it planting seeds, some come up and some don't. If you do nothing, nothing will change
        
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Got friend who gets bad treatment because of his looks