Ending a friendship because of temptations?

4 Comments

I just ended my friendship with a best friend, in mutual, non-hurtful terms after admitting I was afraid I would develop feelings for him, and since I'm in a relationship that's far better than any potential relationship with him could be, I had to let him go. We laughed and cried and made plenty of jokes, admitted we would never forget each other and that we had both been great friends and then, in a non-bitter way, ended things. We talked about all the great things that had happened, how much we platonically cared about each other, it was funny, it was sad, and it was peaceful. it's not that either of us had those kinds of feelings really, it's the potential for that kind of thing that had begun to create drama and tension and hurt both our friendship and my relationship. There was simply one thing he had that my boyfriend never would and it was simply that he understood my creative aspirations as an artist. no longer wanting to feel guilty and tempted to want to be with someone that understood that, considering my boyfriend didn't (I was okay with someone who didn't but a part of me still craved that understanding), I had to make the choice and finally I did. Is this normal to feel temptations outside of your relationship and have to avoid them? would you keep a friend around even if you felt that sort of temptation and you already knew you were with the one? most importantly, was it the right thing to do?

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Comments ( 4 )
  • Grunewald
    6 years ago

    If you believe in fidelity, you did the right thing. Feelings are fickle, if you give them an inch they'll take a mile, and they don't respect the boundaries you try to put on them. If you already tend to have these feelings, then you'll get them probably with whoever you're with, it won't stop with your present beau.

    It's like eating chocolate, isn't it? You can't just have one square. So if you don't want to ruin your figure, don't have any. It's not asceticism, it's just what you have to do to reach your goals. I imagine that the temptation you describe is like that 'more chocolate' temptation too. Anyone who denies how it escalates is probably making compromises of their own, or has a very short memory. I got with my ex boyfriend that way. Told myself we were 'just friends'. You can lie to yourself easily. To counteract human nature you need to take measures. Like actively avoiding things that might tempt you into bad decisions, even if the bad decisions aren't before you yet. Because by the time they are actually before you, you'll be so infatuated with the person you'd be one in a thousand or so to resist. Infatuation increases progressively. Nobody invites someone to bed with them until they're pretty certain the person won't say no. In your situation, sure the friendship was still platonic, but it wasn't set to stay that way. The longer you'd left it, the more devastating it would have been to stop. You looked ahead and acted before you were too far infatuated to be able to slam the brakes on. It looks like a stupid decision on the surface, what you did, but it was actually very, very wise.

    Are you going to abandon someone who loves you just to satisfy an 'itch'? It's unhinkable, but step bu step, slowly-slowly, and with a generous pinch of denial and relativizing, that's where human nature will lead you unless you resist, like it has led billions and billions of others who were no worse than you.

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    • McBean
      6 years ago

      Your viewpoint is most interesting there, Ruthie. In my brain, my Ego is the bully. It heartlessly forces my Id and Superego in line. Your brain sounds like a goddamn cage fight. You are a more interesting specimen than I had ever imagined. Cheers.

      8-)

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  • suckonthis9
    6 years ago

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVi0A_E9MyQ

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  • McBean
    6 years ago

    This whole thing seems empty to me. Friends DO things together. Shouldn't you take art classes and make friends with other artists? Secondly, this temptation stuff makes me question if you want use your identity to get interpersonal dynamics working with your existing partner. Active dynamics with one's partner are the best indicator of a healthy relationship. You and your boyfriend need to kick it up a notch, talk about what you want to do with your lives, and actively do stuff.

    A word to the wise. If you enjoy working together, playing together will be easy. And btw, you are an excellent writer. Hope we hear more from you soon.

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