Call and response

Would you be so good as to lift my person to a greater height than I am accustomed to, and would you then be willing to return me to my former position? Do you possess the necessary qualifications to transport me to some unspecified location beyond the bounds of this area that I find myself unhappily sequestered in? Would you be so kind as to increase the temperature of everything in my life?

(Oh, I am most able and willing to do all that you have requested of me. Oh, indeed, I possess the skill to perform said actions!)

Will you classify me as something it would be possible to blaspheme against should insufficient deference be shown to me? Will you tightly embrace me? Would you be proficient in the art of restoring various shades and hues to my life, as I weary of the dull and monochromatic nature of my present existence? Can you restore the youthfulness and freshness of my existence?

(Oh, I do possess the skill to do everything you have requested. Oh, I do declare, that is within the realm of possibility!)

Will you perform such dazzling feats with your hands such as creating phenomena that cannot be logically or scientifically explained? Do you have the power to use individual sand particles to erect a major metropolitan area with building materials singly or primarily composed of emeralds? Are you in the proper capacity to provide me with something I am able to bring back to my dwelling with me?

(I am quite able to do that which you have listed. Oh, I strongly affirm that I am able to do all that you require!)

Will you satisfy every desirable imaginary scenario that I concoct in my mind? Will you cover the perimeter of my body with water that has been blessed by a religious authority if my temperature reaches unacceptable levels? Will you transport me to locations that I have never been familiarized with?

(I have the ability to do what you have beseeched me to do - Oh, that is something that is much within my capacity to perform!)

After a sufficient amount of time has passed, you'll no longer have any recollection of the significance of what you have said or done; you'll only recall this scenario as a dalliance of terminal length, some fun diversion that has occurred midways through the summer. You shall then come to the realization that it is appropriate for you to carry yourself elsewhere and no longer consider the emotions that you feel presently to be sufficient representation of your internal state of affairs.

(That I shall never have the temerity to perform. I shall never be so audacious.)

I have knowledge pertaining to this general area of study, for I have conducted myself in such a way that results in my being well-rounded. All shall become brittle and incapable of supporting itself. At some time in the future that I am not quite certain of, you will begin to philander and spread your seed widely among a more diverse collection of people that may or may not include me.

(I shan't be so crass and careless as to perform any of what you have described. No such action depicted by you above shall be carried out by yours truly).

Any such action that might result in you have tender and affectionate feelings for me I would be willing to perform. Oh, I should find myself quite willing to perform any action that might result in my acquiring some form of romantic entanglement with another person. There are no bounds to what direction I would see myself sent on my quest for romantic success - accept for one thing which I have yet to specify. Negative, I shall not do this one thing that I haven't elaborated upon.

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  • I knew you were talking innuendoes, that's for the women, I'm a man, I'd have a woman take off her glasses for me, and stroke my ferret. This stuff is the most normal thing in the world. I also noticed you're trying to get rid of your wife, you're tired of this rut. I think your prententions are empty yet sensuous, I think you're wanting no romance, it's tongue-in-cheek, that's improper writing, a romance should never be tongue-in-cheek, it should be the real thing and shouldn't be scornful, it's a plot hole, you ruined the romance by being sarcastic.

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  • I've never seen so many words used to say nothing worthwhile. Also, this makes pretension look humble

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    • What is that which you have conveyed unto my person, you feminine coward of small stature? I would have it known to you that I with great skill and much applause completed a course of instruction with none other than one of the most distinguished and impressive elite military organizations that civilization has any record of, my involvement in clandestine operations against criminal organizations composed of terrorists has been quite extensive, and the number of targets that I have eliminated likely exceeds three times one hundred. My person is accomplished in the art of combat most favored by large simians, and I reign supreme in the ranks of all those that would classify themselves as expert marksman in the armed forces of the United States. I can think of no other way to describe you than simply another non-living entity which I might use to practice my marksmanship. I will remove all traces of your person with an exactitude that has yet to be witnessed in all of recorded history, of this I can solemnly swear to you. Are you under the impression that this rigmarole you are attempting to convey to me over the internet will carry no consequences for you? Prepare to reassess that notion, you scoundrel. At this very moment of time in which we find ourselves conversing, I am using various means to establish communication with a clandestine, inter-connected assortment of people whose job it is to discretely gather intel about various people and happenstances of interest in our world, and your IP address is being located. It would be in your best interest to prepare yourself for some turbulent weather, such as the kind that might result in your losing everything of value to you, assuming that your life might be of such nature to you. You are deceased, child. I am able to appear at any longitude or latitude and any period of the day of whichever month that I find suitable for my purposes, and with naught but the machinations of my hands am I able to eliminate you in a number of ways greater than a half-thousand. Not only have I received an impressive degree of tutelage in the art of repelling threats with nothing but that which might be found on my body, but I also am gifted with the fullest capacity of the United States Marine Corp's weaponry, which I shall utilize to its very limit to remove all prior evidence of your execrable little keister from the annals of whichever continent you so miserably find yourself to be a part of, you damnable fragment of human digestive waste. Should it have been the case that you were capable of prognosticating what form of satanic retribution your "humorous" bit of commentary would have netted you, perhaps you would have been so sagacious as to keep your silence and make no words to the effect that I would become enraged. Alas, you did not have to wisdom to take a more desirable path for yourself, you proceeded to act foolishly, and for that, you will now be expected to make some form of reparation that will be of great damage to one such as yourself, you moronic ape that has been forsaken by none other than God. I shall evacuate rage and calumny aggressively all over your person's perimeter, causing you to become submerged. You are deceased, child.

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