Are narcissists bad people?

Tldr: going to see mum for first time in 2 years she treats me as a child still, even after independent living question is: Can parents that infantilize children always be bad? Or does their urge for superiority fade over time?

After a lot of therapy I came to terms with the harshness of my childhood and learnt that from what I describe of my mum that she has traits of a narcissist. I was also a case of classic example of being infantilized. Some parents like her have personality disorders or some deep pain that cause them to baby their children beyond primary years.

I'm going back for the first time in 2 years because she is undergoing surgery and has no other type of family support. Usually she would use that as a way to guilt trip but this time I called family up and found out they aren't interested in taking care of her or her house while she goes in & out of surgery.

I have asked professionals their opinion but I still have my doubt. As I'm someone that became afraid of my mother by how angry she got whenever I tried being independent. I still struggle with being assertive. I'm just scared that she might get in a really bad mood and undo all the work my therapist had gone through me with to get me to be more outspoken and sure that I'm capable to being an adult.

My question is: to anyone who may have experienced the same- are parents that infantilize their children bad? Should I be worried that, even after years of living independently, that she might try to convince me to be her "bubba" again?

Is It Normal?
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  • My parents are the same. I got evicted from a duplex when I was 18 and I asked if my dog could stay at her house for a few days till I find somewhere else. As soon as I left my dog my mother got rid of it and refused to tell me where (the first day got rid of it). Hopefully she didnt kill it but she said I dont need a dog. Also she threw away my portfolio of art that took me 10 years to make, sold a car I paid for and kept the money, sold a $400 trek bike, threw away skateboards, skates.

    You have to get away from them and only talk to them like 5 times a year mostly on the phone. They will literally drive you insane. You have to get away. Anytime I talk to my mother she starts her shit.

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  • I've dated 2 narcissists and i've also had 1 in my family and from my own experience i'd say yeah, they're bad people.
    They don't experience empathy and they're deeply insecure on the inside which causes them to strive for constant perfection in order to get admired by those around them and they tend to take out their frustrations on those closest to them in forms of emotional or even physical abusive because when they get home they're so tired of pretending to be admirable and their lack of empathy makes it easy for them to treat those closest to them like trash instead of getting their frustrations out in a healthier way. They also tend to be very controlling for obvious reasons - insecurity, and they use guilt tripping a lot as a way to make you do as they say and so that you don't leave them but the truth is they don't get attached to someone from love like a normal person does but because they need a human punching bag close to them and someone who can make them feel loved but they don't know how to love someone themselves. It's the same with narcissistic parents - they put you down to make you insecure so that they can feel better than you, and to keep you feeling like you need them because you can't be on your own. That gives them a sense of power and self importance. Unfortunately in almost every case it's best to completely cut contact with a narcissistic person.

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  • Narcissists can be bad people, if they ever tell you they have changed always talk to them in caution because a narcissist would go back on their old ways and never change.

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  • For more context just for the people that may comment that being treated like a baby is like "getting everything you ever wanted and things done for you" it really isn't "spoilt" or being "entitled". I struggle with basic life skills because she always said "I wasnt old enough to cook for myself." Moving out was an endeavor in itself because she said I could when I was 18, then I turned 18 and she changed it to 21, just before I left she said, & I quote "you won't become an adult until 25". I dont think being an adult is something you can just switch on, but it certainly won't happen in an environment where a parent treats their kids like babies still. She undermines my decisions and makes me feel bad when I chose things not to her liking, even though I'm 21 years old!

    I used to just go along with things to keep the peace otherwise she'd accuse me of things, verbally and (however rarely) physically assault me if I ever refused inappropriate treatment for my age.

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    • This is my mother exactly. When I turned 19 and moved to be my dad's caregiver as he was very ill and couldn't work to take care of himself, she told me I should just let him die on the streets and that I was too young to have to worry about that. She could never understand how cold it would be to just abandon your family like that. She continues to treat me like a child that shouldn't have to shoulder any responsibility and I'm 22 now.

      Her younger sisters who happen to be more mature than her notice this and have expressed concern about her behavior be but she doesn't see how it's bad.

      I just accept it now and thank god that I don't have to live under the same roof as her anymore. I respect your decision to take care of your mother though, and I'm sure you'll be able to hold on to the integrity you've worked hard to build up. It may be useful to stay in touch with a therapist during that time. Being a caregiver is tough enough as it is.

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