Already know this one's weird, just gettin' it out

But when I was a young child I was viciously abused both at home and at school, and we lived pretty much down and out. One room apartment in a drunken slum, cockroaches, you name it. For awhile both a literal dead end road and a set of train tracks were involved in my situation-- it don't GET no more on the nose than that. I won't go into the TYPES of things that went on, suffice to say that I grew into a lost cause in all areas. Anyway, there was an animated show I used to watch, Bump In The Night it was called. There was a character on there called Molly Coddle, and her whole thing was to go around comforting and cheering everybody up-- even while the world around her was every bit as twisted and disgusting as mine. She was also a stiched together rag doll of all different parts that didn't match-- so you know THAT spoke to me. Needless to say, seven to eight year old me was as "in love" as a seven to eight year old CAN be, and maybe a little MORE given the nature of some of that abuse-- but it's still all very clean and innocent. She's basically a surrogate mother/older sister figure. Shit happens, decades pass, I'm somehow still alive. I always remember that the show EXISTED, but almost NOTHING else about it. Now in my thirties I find myself with a small pittence, internet access, and a whole lot of nothing else worth doing, so I start huntin' down some of my old favorites, that show included. Well, now shit HAS gotten weird. Not only did my old crush IMMEDIATELY reignite the first moment she stepped on screen before I even fully REMEMBERED anything-- but now it's edging on NOT so innocent. I kind of have fantasies of her using her sweet and gentle nature as a front to be kind of a passively Dom-ish brat to me. For instance one would be her-- and apologies in advance for the image-- kind of dancing and swinging around my boner like a pole-- not EXACTLY going stripper on it, but clearly having fun "around" it, kind of humming and singing to herself. I can demand she either do things to it or leave it alone, I start to get annoyed and pissed off-- but she just giggles and happily tells me to relax-- if she DECIDES she's going to do anything to me it will be at her own slow pace that I don't have any say in, because she always knows exactly what to do when people are upset, after all. If I try to catch her she just dances easily between my hands like it's a fun little game. If I ever DID, she'd just smile sweetly. "Alright, so you caught me. Now what's your plan...?" I make it very obvious that I intend to either beat the shit out of her or get pervy, and she just gives an indulgent little eyeroll and excepts it. Nothing I do can actually ever heart her after all, she's just a stuffed doll. She even offers to PRETEND to be afraid of me if it will make me feel better, and puts on a big, obviously fake show: "Ohh NOOO, PLEEEASE don't HURT me Mister Giant! Hehehehehehe! *ahem* Sorry, didn't mean to laugh! No, no! You're really VERY frightening, um... Sir? Here, let me start again..." And when I finally DO manage to actually get to that certain point, she's reassuring me that I did a VERY good job, and that as soon as she's out of the washing machine she's gonna bring this big strong man some milk and cookies for working so hard. You get the idea, and yes, it most likely IS EXTREMELY weird-- but it's my life and I know how I got here, it all makes sense to ME at least, even if I'm the ONLY one. I don't really know what the point of this post is. Guess I just felt like airin' out a little or somethin'.

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  • *yawns*

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    • Yeah, compared to a lot of em, I do suppose. Good to know it doesn't entirely freak most folks out though, I getcha.

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  • Like you said its your life. You may be too old to fix it because now you like what you like and you arent developing. I think its pretty anti social because its not even real. Its something thats not attainable. Thats kind of depressing

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    • Try being me. Every single person or entity I have ever been attracted to has been fictional, taken, dead, famous, too young, too far away, or taken. Sometimes a combination of all of them. I have never met a person I was attracted to in real life. And no I'm not asexual because I get crushes, but it's only people I can't have.

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    • Yes, it very much in fact is very depressing-- even genuinely angering. But I only ever had the one family figure, they were what they were until they abandoned me to the kid mills-- which are equally as abusive and inept in their OWN ways-- I was never gonna be a doctor or a lawyer no matter what I did. Not that I lacked the intelligence-- oh no, the autism makes me ALL TOO aware of the world-- but I was missing both the neccessary social contacts, AND the ability to either form any, or keep the rare ones I DID manage. Wasn't ever a (very big) problem with me, but it was always the environment-- nobody ever gave a shit, and those were the ones who DIDN'T outright hate me for no apparent reason. And this shit when I was still in KINDERGARTEN! No five or six year old boy has the ABILITY to draw the level of sheer, utter hatred people leveled at me every single damn day-- I don't care WHAT issues a kid has, at that age they're doing ZERO harm to ANYBODY-- I'D ONLY EVEN BEEN ABLE TO TALK FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS AT THAT POINT! But the litany of schools, the constant home life, and we were ALWAYS movin' around all over the place-- then abandoned and locked in the system for the rest of the ride. There never was a reason for ANY of it, and even in the sewer that WAS my own situation, others were shown FAR more caring than I EVER was. And then when it DID start to turn me truly dark, that just became their fucking excuse for all of it. Never mind that I was at least 12 by that point and had come through hell's basement boiler room at THEIR OWN HAND doing it, oh no-- the shit they CHOSE to do to me was somehow entirely MY OWN FAULT simply because I existed for them to do it to. And it's not just me. No, I mainly just lay around numb most days. You have people out there genuinely driven to ACTION by the shit people did to them. So they go out and shoot and stab a bunch of people. And what always gets said? It's HIS fault that we FORCED him to do that! If he hadn't been a piece of shit that WOULD'VE done that, we wouldn't have attacked and broken him! How DARE that MURDERING ASSHOLE have the very mental trauma that drove him to it! He LET us do that to him, so it's HIS fault!" Mind you, I'm not ADVOCATING that kind of violence in ANY way-- but you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. I wouldn't do it, and there's no need for it to ever have to be a factor-- but I fully understand how it happens, and in cases like mine, if I DID actually do that shit-- not a single part of it would be morally my fault. The law can say whatever the hell it wants to, it's not gonna abstain on MY account-- but MORALLY speaking, these people have every right to the feelings they hold, and if somebody's sadistic enough to go playin' in their wounds, I say they get what they get.

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      • Dont do it bro. It would be your fault morally. Because you made the decision to do it. And ultimately you are the one that is responsible for it. No one can force you to pick up a gun and shoot innocent people. This type of thinking will inevitably harm you in life more than you can harm anyone else. You have to learn to take responsibility for your decisions in life its vital. Because if you dont you will always have an excuse to why you failed. And this will cause you to fail. You will believe your upbringing is why you failed. The mind is powerful.

        "Whether you think you can or cant, you're right"

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        • I have no intention of doing it myself currently. But if I did, no, it would NOT hold any moral bearing on me. If a person gets to the point where it no longer FEELS like a choice, it's effectively no longer a choice. No one else's opinions hold any bearing on what that person can and cannot handle personally. If they're a contributing factor to the person feeling that way, than that person has every moral right to take whatever action they see fit. If a driver loses control of a vehicle, it's not THE VEHICLE'S fault that the driver lost control of it, it was simply told to move, and did so as best it could lacking proper control. At a certain point, people need to take responsibility for their own actions. That's all I'm saying.

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          • I could not disagree with you any more than I do. And I dont say this to insult you, I'm sure you've been through alot. But your mindset seems like a losers mindset. Its ok doesnt make you less of a person but if you change your victim mentality it will help you alot in life. I dont say it to piss you off but you need to hear it.

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            • And I don't say this in any particular upset, but it is exactly THAT mentality that found me where I currently lie. I'd seriously look into other people's view points. You don't seem like a bad dude, but according to MY entire life's experience, your view is exactly the wrong one.

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  • Not that weird. It's called "r34." The weirdest thing about this post was how hard it was to read at all (no paragraphs). But yeah, you shouldn't beat yourself up just because you find a fictional character attractive, regardless of the reason. Acknowledge it, explore it, and move on.

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    • Yeah, I know all that kinda stuff. There's even a small following already dedicated to her on the Fireden boards. Fetish art and everything. But the wider world tends to look a lot more than askanse at that type of stuff, and even those that do get it tend to fight each other for "less weird" status. I don't know where I stand with it or if where I stand even matters or not. But in life in general I am VERY disconnected, even from my fellow freaks. I never share or talk about ANYTHING really, let alone THIS kinda shit. Like I said, it was really more of a venting than a search for actual healing. If healing DOES exist, it'll never find it's way to me, nor I it. But the world's full of even sicker fucks than me, even I know this means pretty much jack shit to anyone BUT me. I guess for now at least, I'm good with that.

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      • Everyone has weird crap, some more than others. I'm into weirder stuff myself (I'm one of the sicker fucks, I just have class and morals). I just don't think it's important or requiring of healing. It is what it is.

        If you have trouble talking to anyone about anything, that's a different thing. I'm not one to throw around advice like this, since I'm not much different, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. I was at a party (for my job) a few weeks ago where a them-pronouns dude and a lesbian happened to be talking. They didn't know each other before this, and I was sitting at the table. The guy lets slip something about his life, the girl happens to identify with it, and suddenly they're talking about all kinds of personal stuff. It was the second time I've seen that happen.

        I think if you make a habit out of throwing out one fact about yourself, and keep a cool head, you will eventually find someone who will listen. Despite what one of the above commenters said, you're never too old for anything. Crap actually tends to get easier as you get older specifically because you stop caring as much.

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        • Well that's the GOOD side of no social connections-- no normies thinkin' my cartoon and toy collections are weird just because THREE OTHER people all said so, even though they all go home and engage in some level of the same crap, my only real crime is commitment to it all. But then these same people will gush all over something like Psycho Goreman because "OH MY GOD THEY REFERENCED THE NINETIES!!" Yeah, it's a fun and enjoyable movie FOR that, but it's ONLY problem is that it doesn't COMMIT. There are SEVERAL small issues with it, but they would ALL be fixed under that one umbrella-- commit to it's own... I dunno, THING. You know what I mean. No reason in hell why you can't still literally just MAKE full on eighties/nineties media RIGHT NOW. Except that "Eww you guys, wouldn't that be WEIRD?! I know! I know-- what if we PRETENDED to do that, like, just as a joke, you know! Wouldn't that be aweso-- I mean, funny?? You know, because it would be weird to make a REAL one! Right?? I mean-- yeah, weird, that's what I said! Totally!" I mean, for that matter, there's no reason you couldn't hang on to a LOT of aesthetics. I could walk into Walmart right now and buy a fully 1950's styled bicycle right off the rack. Yet everybody LOVES the look of the CARS in that era-- manufacturers could simply remake them to modern standards-- BUT THEY WON'T. "We have no taste, so neither do you!"

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  • What? 😐

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  • It's weird that you think sexual thoughts aren't "innocent."

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    • Well, there's some relative play in that term no matter what-- but I tend to lean the direction I do with it due to both my own botched upbringing, and the fact that this particular post deals with an artifact of my early childhood, so in effect, my own past innocence is now tarnished by the very person it had a hand in forming-- or more accurately that person's past demons which have only made themselves more known and pronounced in the subsequent decades. I suppose you could SAY they don't own me, as I remember and acknowledge their root cause and am fully aware of their being and influence. But just knowing they exist isn't any form of healing, it merely speaks to my own wherewithal. Knowing your arm as broken and how it got that way doesn't magically heal the break. And no amount of inner strength is going to lessen the degree to which it effects you. You're either able to still use it-- pain or not-- or you're not. That all depends on particular circumstances.

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