Wife "cheated"

Leave her. Move on.

What do you have here, really? One kiss while he was being snooped/stalked by his current ex's private dick. You don't know the circumstances, & you say you forgave it. That should be it, but...

What you have is a lot of distrust, which you marshall into inappropriate behaviour (snooping & tracking correspondence, requests to limit contact, leave the band).

The band is irrelevant. You are treating her like a child and behaving like one. Your marriage won't survive without trust - you will drive her, and yourself into misery.

If you trust her let it go. Trust yourself a bit too - if anything goes on it is going to get detected - and as devastating as that would be, you will handle it.

If you don't trust her, go together for marriage counseling. If that doesn't work then you are through - you will drive her away.

Divorce

lol, nowadays men are so soft that you can easily mistaken them for pussies. DIVORCE her.

I don't think you can trust her. I'm sorry but it sounds like she is slowly moving towards cheating. It may start out just playing or wanting excitement but could end bad. Is there any way you can make her realize what she is risking?

Thank you for the comments.
Ollieo and Thundercat in particular.
I came to the same conclusions.
Thanks to a good friend as well.
I am still concerned, but have accepted that my feelings are not as important as this band (and perhaps this dud's friendship)- I hope I can say for right now, but I do not know.
I love her more than anything. And as suggested have to just take her at her word, though I will admit some actions would be nice.
I do feel something like a putz because I am afraid of appearing weak.

As an update, she suggests that her guilt etc are punishment enough. That she will always feel bad about this.
I don't agree of course, it was NEVER about her being in a band.
Anyhoo, thanks for letting me vent.

dude you lost your trust in her and you will never get it back...same shit happened with me. sorry man it sucks, i know, but you will just grow to resent her because you can no longer trust her.

They say there's the "itch of the seventh year" precisely (there is even a movie). Apparently it is a time where the married people, some of it, will have a kind of existential crisis, feeling doubts about keeping an already too customized, dutiful, too stable relation, and the itch of still looking for something else in life. Perhaps your wife is in that situation. As a female she will feel interesting and important being the object of desire of other men apart from her husband and to be the center of attention. Probably she is not even aware of it.
If that is so, counseling won't work. But this will be either a self-limiting situation or will end in her wanting to part.
In my opinion, giving her more attention and trying to re-conquer her as a suitor won't work, but will fuel the same process that is already running.
What I see you have to do is, if you feel deeply interested in her (and here I suggest to you to make an also deep analysis of your feelings and see if what you feel is not fear of change, hurt pride and fear of thinking of yourself as a loser, instead of true love for her), you would have to just accept her word, whatever results from it, and be prepared to pass even for an active infidelity before she
ends of sowing her late wild oats. You have to be quite sure that you really love her so much.
There's no other option, because if you keep insisting on guarding her and watching over her and asking her to promise, it will only incentive her emotions of playing at being free and naughty. If you calm down and stop being watchful and jealous, she could feel spiteful and play the victim of lack of love from your part and from that go further. That's a risk. But being jealous and untrusting, will have about the same possible results, just by other ways, and with a worse prognosis.
You can only take it as a man, accept her word and treat her with continuous seemingly affection and love but without exaggeration and without being officious, and not, in any case, showing your distrust. And, doing so, hoping for the best and being prepared for the worse.
Now, if you come to see that your feelings are more related with fears and spite than with true love, also be decided and strong and cut the relation yourself and move on. I know it is much easier to say it than to do it, but if not done it, you will end suffering and losing much more.

It's sad always to lost trust in someone you loved a lot, but it's part of our lives, coz neither we cant lose them nor we can live with them.. Don't pretend anymore that you are ok with that whatever she is doing, tell her you are not ok and you are having problems. Tell her how much you love her or loved her and how you are feeling now., tell her that you are not living like a normal person, just tell her that being with that person, being in that band is ruining your relationship and this marriage, if she really loves you and concern about you and this relationship, she will do everything even leave that band to be with you to save this relationship, only if she is really concern.

So go ahead bro and see what she has in her mind, if she deny that she won't, I promise that she will cheat you again in future else if she will leave that band, love her again with all your full mighty. I know even then also it wont be easy for you but still then she deserve that, even after she committed that sin..

You love each other so be together and forgive each other.., that's what life is all about..

^^^^^^^Don't divorce. It's not right. Those people are dumb.

Maybe if she won't quit the band, you should join the band. Than you can keep an eye on what goes on.