Which of these crimes have you committed?

Well there was this one time that I happened to break into someones house after loitering outside with the help of my wife who actually was my sister cousin but she was being too noisy so I punched her in the mouth which got the attention of the house owners dog which yelped really loudly when I tried to kick it which in turn woke the family up, I decided to murder the guy but his wife was really fit so I had my way with her and threw the condom on the floor after, their child was being really noisy crying so I slapped it till it shut up then I stole a loaf of bread and burnt down the house to get rid of all the evidence...... this only happened once though so don't judge me....