what the hell has happened to me

Addiction is happening to you. You need to get help and go to rehab. Your brain on drugs works like this- when you first do a drug, dopamine is triggered in your brain. Dopamine is your reward center. It's what makes you feel good. The problem is, because it's not natural- it's forced, it's too much at once so you crash. But once you feel that reward, you feel like the drug is the reward. But it literally tricks you. It overloads your dopamine centers so that dopmine has a harder time being released, so you push harder to get the reward- meaning more and harder drugs. The drugs continue to overload your system and crash you, like a computer. You can't register the reward of friendship and love because drugs have overrun your dopamine system and taken that reward from you. Not only that, but they require you to seek more just to feel anything. That is the cycle you're falling toward. It's the beginning of addiction. You'll need it just to feel alive, then you'll need it just to feel- unless you get help and