You sound like a girl from my old workplace whom I befriended then became estranged from. I don't know if I've had this conversation with you before in another thread; I might've. I'm basically writing now because it makes me feel better; I'm sorry for yet another splurge. I'm not really writing to you, but to my memory of her. You can ignore this comment if you want, but darn it, you're so much like her, it's uncanny.
I miss this person so, so much, without really knowing why. The worst part of it is knowing that reaching out would only make everything worse. If I reached out it would unsettle her as it did when we were still in contact (and if it didn't unsettle her, I would be so visibly overjoyed and get so excited about the possibility of being friends again that it would start to unsettle her anyway). Then, seeing that I had caused her to feel unsettled would cause me emotional distress, and then my involuntary display of distress would make her uncomfortable, and then seeing her discomfort would cause me to feel and involuntarily display even more distress... negative feedback loop guaranteed. In short, we trigger each other in all the wrong ways because of the way our neurological chemistries interact. We're mismatched.
You speak and reason so much like her, and seem to share so many of her traits, you could actually BE her. I have been a recipient of her mistrust and passive aggression but I can see past those things. I can be a truly confusing person to get to know and my emotional extremes are hard to live with even for someone who hasn't got high functioning Asperger's, so I understand WHY she has responded with that passive aggression and that mistrust, and I forgive it entirely. I let her go because I love her and I want her to be content and relaxed, and my presence in her life was making her stressed and uncomfortable, because we couldn't stop triggering each other and I was too emotionally intense for her to be able to deal with.
I try to bury my feelings of missing her until I can no longer tell why I'm restless and unproductive in my work and my life, and then when I peel back the layers of feelings and motives in myself to try and get to the bottom of the problem, I find this grief still there after 4 months since we parted ways for the last time. When will it end? Why can't I just love you less, A., when you've most likely forgotten about me by now and are getting on with your life like any normal person would?
Now you sound like me, those negative feedback loops keep me from talking to a lot of people
It's hard for me too, but I rationalize it like, yes I want to be friends with them (which is why I still occasionally get inspiration to talk to them), but it ended and it was awkward at best when we tried, and one of my mantras is "the best way to win is to not play"
I kinda accept that it's over, and use those deep seeded attachments as a reminder not to be whatever I feel like caused the rift
And hey, I doubt she's fully forgotten you, even if she's acting like it
What's your psychiatric diagnosis?
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You sound like a girl from my old workplace whom I befriended then became estranged from. I don't know if I've had this conversation with you before in another thread; I might've. I'm basically writing now because it makes me feel better; I'm sorry for yet another splurge. I'm not really writing to you, but to my memory of her. You can ignore this comment if you want, but darn it, you're so much like her, it's uncanny.
I miss this person so, so much, without really knowing why. The worst part of it is knowing that reaching out would only make everything worse. If I reached out it would unsettle her as it did when we were still in contact (and if it didn't unsettle her, I would be so visibly overjoyed and get so excited about the possibility of being friends again that it would start to unsettle her anyway). Then, seeing that I had caused her to feel unsettled would cause me emotional distress, and then my involuntary display of distress would make her uncomfortable, and then seeing her discomfort would cause me to feel and involuntarily display even more distress... negative feedback loop guaranteed. In short, we trigger each other in all the wrong ways because of the way our neurological chemistries interact. We're mismatched.
You speak and reason so much like her, and seem to share so many of her traits, you could actually BE her. I have been a recipient of her mistrust and passive aggression but I can see past those things. I can be a truly confusing person to get to know and my emotional extremes are hard to live with even for someone who hasn't got high functioning Asperger's, so I understand WHY she has responded with that passive aggression and that mistrust, and I forgive it entirely. I let her go because I love her and I want her to be content and relaxed, and my presence in her life was making her stressed and uncomfortable, because we couldn't stop triggering each other and I was too emotionally intense for her to be able to deal with.
I try to bury my feelings of missing her until I can no longer tell why I'm restless and unproductive in my work and my life, and then when I peel back the layers of feelings and motives in myself to try and get to the bottom of the problem, I find this grief still there after 4 months since we parted ways for the last time. When will it end? Why can't I just love you less, A., when you've most likely forgotten about me by now and are getting on with your life like any normal person would?
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Now you sound like me, those negative feedback loops keep me from talking to a lot of people
It's hard for me too, but I rationalize it like, yes I want to be friends with them (which is why I still occasionally get inspiration to talk to them), but it ended and it was awkward at best when we tried, and one of my mantras is "the best way to win is to not play"
I kinda accept that it's over, and use those deep seeded attachments as a reminder not to be whatever I feel like caused the rift
And hey, I doubt she's fully forgotten you, even if she's acting like it
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Are you in fact one person talking to their alter ego via two accounts?
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How am I not myself?
Why don't you two here try become friends? It could work out id you put your hearts into it..