I'm hesitant to reveal too much, but I'd like to be able to answer
I'm diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I definitely see an incongruent alignment with how I think and how other people approach things, like not so much morally or ethically, but in how things are handled. At this point, my understanding of psychology is the deciding factor (accepting presuppositions is one of the biggest things I see others do that I don't) but in high school I guess you could say I took a moral high ground without being all that virtuous, I also thought I was really smart (tbf though I took honors classes/national arts honor society/discovered many tricks that made math easy) but I didn't see any intelligence beyond academics, almost like Dwight from The Office (I've been called the dumbest smart person before)
I took some kind of test about ten years ago, all I really remember about it is that I apparently have a really fast processing rate, which makes sense to me since sometimes I can think and process information and be steps ahead (sometimes I'll be in a conversation and I'll be "waiting" for the other person to verbally catch up to where they were trying to lead me, like in a joke or problem solving)
None of what's next is officially diagnosed, but I think I may have some OCD tendencies, I'm definitely obsessive (which doesn't pair well with a lonely person), I can see myself through other people's eyes and sometimes that hurts and I want to improve that image, but that hardly ever works
I think I can be narcissistic if I leave myself unchecked for too long (someone once said I'm really self aware, like as an insult), I have a hard time trusting others (mainly because I've rationalized that my words and actions are the only ones I can really rely on, but I get to work on that with this girl at work who I believe is more or less allowing me to learn how to be a friend)
I also can feel vindictive in my emotions, like if I'm pissed off it literally feels good to be passive aggressive, but on the flip side if someone makes me feel like happiness or something I really want to return that feeling, like reciprocally (but that can be my downfall, like I said about me being obsessive or whatever, I come off really strong and that creeps people out)
Emotions in general tend to have physical effects on me, I swear I can feel my brain secreting dopamine/serotonin and when I think I feel adrenaline I can feel my heart beating and blood flowing, and usually it's always accompanied by my chest feeling like it opens up, or sometimes my stomach compresses into a dense knot
And more about not trusting others, it's like I almost look for reasons to not trust, which I know will most likely mean I will find them, but I've also been given plenty of opportunities to realize trust is not something to be given so easily
I also get really excited sometimes and do silly things on a whim. There have been a few times people have touched me and I almost lose control of myself, like once someone put their hand over mine, and he kept it there which makes me a little sceptical of his intentions, and I just like slowly "rubbed" into his hand in growing levels of force
I've also had people back into me and catch me by surprise, but then they start doing it on purpose like "gee I didn't think that would happen" like yeah right, there's a reason cops can't arrest you if they convince you to buy drugs!
Like seeing something unfold and accepting one of the first few rationalizations you can make
A shallow example would be a car speeding along the highway, almost always it evokes a strong negative reaction, like "you're not gonna cut me off" or "that's a nice expensive toy you bought to race to each red light with" but if it's like an older or worn down looking car or a minivan or something like that, I can tell myself it very well could be a woman about to give birth being rushed to the hospital, which immediately replaces my feelings with mindful indifference
Deeper examples, I can use this person at work
For a few weeks now he's been working at my pizza shop, and he doesn't really ever show that much improvement/initiative, seems to play dumb, and has seemed to be passive aggressive
I know people who would look at that and say then and there that he's not a good employee, and I recognized that in myself, but I kept at it with training and corrective action and gave him the BOTD
Currently he's leaving piss in the toilet, pretending to be even less intelligent, and doing things I can prove psychologically wrong on purpose just to be annoying
I waited because I know he's adopted and has family issues, I grew up with that too and can understand the strain, and I was hoping the right nudges from me would help
But now he's showing me this is just what I'm gonna get with him. I've explained things to my boss (there's also 60 dollars that went missing over the few times I've had him work a till, which he says he does at another job) and he's primarily going to be cleaning the bathroom and other things and doing busy work like folding boxes etc until he's had enough and quits or we can let him go, whichever comes first
So in this case my earlier assessments were right (they're usually pretty close to accurate) but I didn't act on them until I was convinced beyond reasonable doubt (I've seen people get fired for much, much less)
Bones just explained something like this in an episode I watched, it's about maintaining objectivity and not falling for logical fallacies or something like that (a scientist friend of hers helped a cannibal and he rationalized giving the man human canines to make dentures, as well capturing a person to eat, and rationalized it in a very scientific way that Bones was able to refute in like 3 simple questions)
You sound like a girl from my old workplace whom I befriended then became estranged from. I don't know if I've had this conversation with you before in another thread; I might've. I'm basically writing now because it makes me feel better; I'm sorry for yet another splurge. I'm not really writing to you, but to my memory of her. You can ignore this comment if you want, but darn it, you're so much like her, it's uncanny.
I miss this person so, so much, without really knowing why. The worst part of it is knowing that reaching out would only make everything worse. If I reached out it would unsettle her as it did when we were still in contact (and if it didn't unsettle her, I would be so visibly overjoyed and get so excited about the possibility of being friends again that it would start to unsettle her anyway). Then, seeing that I had caused her to feel unsettled would cause me emotional distress, and then my involuntary display of distress would make her uncomfortable, and then seeing her discomfort would cause me to feel and involuntarily display even more distress... negative feedback loop guaranteed. In short, we trigger each other in all the wrong ways because of the way our neurological chemistries interact. We're mismatched.
You speak and reason so much like her, and seem to share so many of her traits, you could actually BE her. I have been a recipient of her mistrust and passive aggression but I can see past those things. I can be a truly confusing person to get to know and my emotional extremes are hard to live with even for someone who hasn't got high functioning Asperger's, so I understand WHY she has responded with that passive aggression and that mistrust, and I forgive it entirely. I let her go because I love her and I want her to be content and relaxed, and my presence in her life was making her stressed and uncomfortable, because we couldn't stop triggering each other and I was too emotionally intense for her to be able to deal with.
I try to bury my feelings of missing her until I can no longer tell why I'm restless and unproductive in my work and my life, and then when I peel back the layers of feelings and motives in myself to try and get to the bottom of the problem, I find this grief still there after 4 months since we parted ways for the last time. When will it end? Why can't I just love you less, A., when you've most likely forgotten about me by now and are getting on with your life like any normal person would?
Now you sound like me, those negative feedback loops keep me from talking to a lot of people
It's hard for me too, but I rationalize it like, yes I want to be friends with them (which is why I still occasionally get inspiration to talk to them), but it ended and it was awkward at best when we tried, and one of my mantras is "the best way to win is to not play"
I kinda accept that it's over, and use those deep seeded attachments as a reminder not to be whatever I feel like caused the rift
And hey, I doubt she's fully forgotten you, even if she's acting like it
What's your psychiatric diagnosis?
← View full post
I'm hesitant to reveal too much, but I'd like to be able to answer
I'm diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I definitely see an incongruent alignment with how I think and how other people approach things, like not so much morally or ethically, but in how things are handled. At this point, my understanding of psychology is the deciding factor (accepting presuppositions is one of the biggest things I see others do that I don't) but in high school I guess you could say I took a moral high ground without being all that virtuous, I also thought I was really smart (tbf though I took honors classes/national arts honor society/discovered many tricks that made math easy) but I didn't see any intelligence beyond academics, almost like Dwight from The Office (I've been called the dumbest smart person before)
I took some kind of test about ten years ago, all I really remember about it is that I apparently have a really fast processing rate, which makes sense to me since sometimes I can think and process information and be steps ahead (sometimes I'll be in a conversation and I'll be "waiting" for the other person to verbally catch up to where they were trying to lead me, like in a joke or problem solving)
None of what's next is officially diagnosed, but I think I may have some OCD tendencies, I'm definitely obsessive (which doesn't pair well with a lonely person), I can see myself through other people's eyes and sometimes that hurts and I want to improve that image, but that hardly ever works
I think I can be narcissistic if I leave myself unchecked for too long (someone once said I'm really self aware, like as an insult), I have a hard time trusting others (mainly because I've rationalized that my words and actions are the only ones I can really rely on, but I get to work on that with this girl at work who I believe is more or less allowing me to learn how to be a friend)
I also can feel vindictive in my emotions, like if I'm pissed off it literally feels good to be passive aggressive, but on the flip side if someone makes me feel like happiness or something I really want to return that feeling, like reciprocally (but that can be my downfall, like I said about me being obsessive or whatever, I come off really strong and that creeps people out)
Emotions in general tend to have physical effects on me, I swear I can feel my brain secreting dopamine/serotonin and when I think I feel adrenaline I can feel my heart beating and blood flowing, and usually it's always accompanied by my chest feeling like it opens up, or sometimes my stomach compresses into a dense knot
And more about not trusting others, it's like I almost look for reasons to not trust, which I know will most likely mean I will find them, but I've also been given plenty of opportunities to realize trust is not something to be given so easily
I also get really excited sometimes and do silly things on a whim. There have been a few times people have touched me and I almost lose control of myself, like once someone put their hand over mine, and he kept it there which makes me a little sceptical of his intentions, and I just like slowly "rubbed" into his hand in growing levels of force
I've also had people back into me and catch me by surprise, but then they start doing it on purpose like "gee I didn't think that would happen" like yeah right, there's a reason cops can't arrest you if they convince you to buy drugs!
--
Anonymous Post Author
2 years ago
|
pl
Comment Hidden (
show
)
Report
0
0
-
Grunewald
2 years ago
|
pl
Comment Hidden (
show
)
Report
0
0
'accepting presuppositions is one of the biggest things I see others do that I don't,'
What's that, can you give examples?
--
[Old Memory]
2 years ago
|
pl
Comment Hidden (
show
)
Report
0
0
Like seeing something unfold and accepting one of the first few rationalizations you can make
A shallow example would be a car speeding along the highway, almost always it evokes a strong negative reaction, like "you're not gonna cut me off" or "that's a nice expensive toy you bought to race to each red light with" but if it's like an older or worn down looking car or a minivan or something like that, I can tell myself it very well could be a woman about to give birth being rushed to the hospital, which immediately replaces my feelings with mindful indifference
Deeper examples, I can use this person at work
For a few weeks now he's been working at my pizza shop, and he doesn't really ever show that much improvement/initiative, seems to play dumb, and has seemed to be passive aggressive
I know people who would look at that and say then and there that he's not a good employee, and I recognized that in myself, but I kept at it with training and corrective action and gave him the BOTD
Currently he's leaving piss in the toilet, pretending to be even less intelligent, and doing things I can prove psychologically wrong on purpose just to be annoying
I waited because I know he's adopted and has family issues, I grew up with that too and can understand the strain, and I was hoping the right nudges from me would help
But now he's showing me this is just what I'm gonna get with him. I've explained things to my boss (there's also 60 dollars that went missing over the few times I've had him work a till, which he says he does at another job) and he's primarily going to be cleaning the bathroom and other things and doing busy work like folding boxes etc until he's had enough and quits or we can let him go, whichever comes first
So in this case my earlier assessments were right (they're usually pretty close to accurate) but I didn't act on them until I was convinced beyond reasonable doubt (I've seen people get fired for much, much less)
Bones just explained something like this in an episode I watched, it's about maintaining objectivity and not falling for logical fallacies or something like that (a scientist friend of hers helped a cannibal and he rationalized giving the man human canines to make dentures, as well capturing a person to eat, and rationalized it in a very scientific way that Bones was able to refute in like 3 simple questions)
You sound like a girl from my old workplace whom I befriended then became estranged from. I don't know if I've had this conversation with you before in another thread; I might've. I'm basically writing now because it makes me feel better; I'm sorry for yet another splurge. I'm not really writing to you, but to my memory of her. You can ignore this comment if you want, but darn it, you're so much like her, it's uncanny.
I miss this person so, so much, without really knowing why. The worst part of it is knowing that reaching out would only make everything worse. If I reached out it would unsettle her as it did when we were still in contact (and if it didn't unsettle her, I would be so visibly overjoyed and get so excited about the possibility of being friends again that it would start to unsettle her anyway). Then, seeing that I had caused her to feel unsettled would cause me emotional distress, and then my involuntary display of distress would make her uncomfortable, and then seeing her discomfort would cause me to feel and involuntarily display even more distress... negative feedback loop guaranteed. In short, we trigger each other in all the wrong ways because of the way our neurological chemistries interact. We're mismatched.
You speak and reason so much like her, and seem to share so many of her traits, you could actually BE her. I have been a recipient of her mistrust and passive aggression but I can see past those things. I can be a truly confusing person to get to know and my emotional extremes are hard to live with even for someone who hasn't got high functioning Asperger's, so I understand WHY she has responded with that passive aggression and that mistrust, and I forgive it entirely. I let her go because I love her and I want her to be content and relaxed, and my presence in her life was making her stressed and uncomfortable, because we couldn't stop triggering each other and I was too emotionally intense for her to be able to deal with.
I try to bury my feelings of missing her until I can no longer tell why I'm restless and unproductive in my work and my life, and then when I peel back the layers of feelings and motives in myself to try and get to the bottom of the problem, I find this grief still there after 4 months since we parted ways for the last time. When will it end? Why can't I just love you less, A., when you've most likely forgotten about me by now and are getting on with your life like any normal person would?
--
[Old Memory]
2 years ago
|
pl
Comment Hidden (
show
)
Report
0
0
-
Anonymous Post Author
2 years ago
|
pl
Comment Hidden (
show
)
Report
0
0
Now you sound like me, those negative feedback loops keep me from talking to a lot of people
It's hard for me too, but I rationalize it like, yes I want to be friends with them (which is why I still occasionally get inspiration to talk to them), but it ended and it was awkward at best when we tried, and one of my mantras is "the best way to win is to not play"
I kinda accept that it's over, and use those deep seeded attachments as a reminder not to be whatever I feel like caused the rift
And hey, I doubt she's fully forgotten you, even if she's acting like it
--
Anonymous Post Author
2 years ago
|
pl
Comment Hidden (
show
)
Report
0
0
Are you in fact one person talking to their alter ego via two accounts?
--
[Old Memory]
2 years ago
|
pl
Comment Hidden (
show
)
Report
0
0
How am I not myself?
Why don't you two here try become friends? It could work out id you put your hearts into it..