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I was just pacing around my yard contemplating life, my attitude toward it and how it's changed over the years. How I used to be more present, how to become present again and seize the moment when I realized I had been pacing around in circles and lines.
I was contemplating about what it means to be an artist and if an artist has ever changed the world. As a person that aspires to create change in the world with art, I ask myself, "have I chosen the correct path? Should I have chosen something easier or more clear cut like being a neurobiologist or a pathologist?"
Success in those fields is much more apparent. Either you contribute to the progression of the field or you don't. With art, I could live my entire life believing that my art terrible. I could live my entire life as a failure. Perhaps my mind is not capable of bringing about profound contemplation in others. Profound thoughts that can help improve or better understand our existence.
Whether or not art is made only for the affluent masses. What is a homeless person or refugee going to do with art? Am I being selfish in choosing something that won't help the forgotten masses?
Because my medium is film, I need money and people need money to see it. Will I be able to create something both profound and accessible to enough to inspire change while attaining enough money to fund the next project. Will I make enough money to satisfy investors? Will I be able to be an influential filmmaker without selling out?
Honest answer, I was pacing around my room thinking about:
- How I can't do anything this summer since everyone is either busy or just doesn't like to go out anywhere anymore. They always reject my suggestions of hanging out somewhere and seem to prefer sitting by the TV and watching re-runs and there's no way in hell I'm sitting on my ass for 8 hours straight through another marathon of a show I don't like.
- Why nobody reads a person's profile description on a dating website. Also, why do a majority of the messages look like this: "helo sexy i was wondering if ud like too get sum drinks" and "hahaha u only a 4, yet u woman act like u a queen." That website is waste of time.
- How much will four new tires cost me.
- Whether or not I should even bother going another family gathering on Saturday. Everyone there either talks in Spanish or talks about music, movies, places, and other things I know nothing of, so I can't relate to or understand what they say. I'm not very good with large crowds of people and I find loud Spanish music annoying. I also don't like the greasy food that's served there or the sodas.
- Also, I was thinking about how the Target Cafe I've been working at for almost a decade is being torn down and a Starbucks is going in it's place. I seemed to have gotten attached to that work area because I kept it clean and maintained it like it was a second home. I'm going to miss it.
The Target I work at never had a Starbucks, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, or anything fancy. It was just a plain Target Cafe and I liked it that way. I'm not really fond of Starbucks either. Their drinks don't taste as good as people swear they do. lol
Yep I will begin my training as a barista in September once the construction is done.
:)
you want to be more present? I can help you! *runs off to get some gift wrapping paper*
last I paced was yesterday when there was nothing worthy/instant to eat in the kitchen. I kept going back and forth, trying to decide what urge was stronger... my hunger (which means I'd make something) or laziness