I'd put the silent treatment (aka "stonewalling") at the bottom of the list, but maybe that's just because my reaction to non-reaction in previous relationships has been to just walk away when it became clear that stupid games were being played.
Both verbal and physical abuse can result in long-term psychological damage of various sorts, but I guess that since physical abuse can also lead to serious, permanent physical damage, it has to be the worst.
If you're compiling a list of ghastly things horrible people do to their partners, you have to include gaslighting. I think that can be even worse than the three abuses you mention, since systematic, persistent gaslighting can result in people starting to question who they are, their sanity, and even the nature of reality in extreme cases.
What some people call gaslighting, others call a head-fuck. It involves someone systematically and persistently denying the reality of what's happening until their victim begins to question whether what they experience, think, and feel is real.
The fundamental principle is that if you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth.
It happens in all sorts of contexts, not just close emotional relationships.
Many psychopaths learn how to gaslight at a young age and they use the technique deliberately to manipulate and control people. Narcissists gaslight because they truly believe their distorted view of reality is correct.
I find it rather insulting, because the person is basically lying, and trying to get me to doubt things which I know are true.
It's a little surreal too. I often find myself wondering if the person is just telling me bald faced lies or is in such deep denial of whatever happened that he or she seems to have some selective memory about.
I think those with psychopathic tendencies know they're lying and they deliberately use those lies to manipulate, while narcissists genuinely believe their twisted view of reality is true.
My mother-in-law has narcissistic tendencies, and her lies drove my wife nuts for years. Recognising that she's a narcissist makes it a little easier for my wife to cope with her, but it still annoys her. I think that's partly because my wife wants to respect and trust her mother, but that's simply impossible.
Both my mother and my now ex-boyfriend are probably narcissists, and they both gaslight. The context within which the gaslighting occurs is usually a response of rabid denial regarding something awful and abusive they've done. They are both incapable of accepting responsibility for their misdeeds. These are people who can never accept that they are less than perfect. It makes me sick to tell you the truth.
I think a lifetime of dealing with my mother sort of primed me for meeting, and falling for my now ex-boyfriend.
You think you know, but do you really know? Whenever I suspect gas lighting I do the math. A ChiSquare distribution will tell you the probability that your sample data does not match the gaslighter's claim. Gas lighting occurs in the scientific community frequently to discredit claims as justification for unnecessary funding with redundant research grants.
Good gaslighters can even bend minds like yours by making claims on the threshold of perception. When you're up against the pros, math is your best weapon.
What is more harmful to a relationship
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They're all shitty things to do.
I'd put the silent treatment (aka "stonewalling") at the bottom of the list, but maybe that's just because my reaction to non-reaction in previous relationships has been to just walk away when it became clear that stupid games were being played.
Both verbal and physical abuse can result in long-term psychological damage of various sorts, but I guess that since physical abuse can also lead to serious, permanent physical damage, it has to be the worst.
If you're compiling a list of ghastly things horrible people do to their partners, you have to include gaslighting. I think that can be even worse than the three abuses you mention, since systematic, persistent gaslighting can result in people starting to question who they are, their sanity, and even the nature of reality in extreme cases.
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Shackleford96
5 years ago
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RoseIsabella
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nikkiclaire
5 years ago
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what is gaslighting?
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Boojum
5 years ago
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What some people call gaslighting, others call a head-fuck. It involves someone systematically and persistently denying the reality of what's happening until their victim begins to question whether what they experience, think, and feel is real.
The fundamental principle is that if you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth.
It happens in all sorts of contexts, not just close emotional relationships.
Many psychopaths learn how to gaslight at a young age and they use the technique deliberately to manipulate and control people. Narcissists gaslight because they truly believe their distorted view of reality is correct.
A couple of articles on how it works.
https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/gaslighting-definition-techniques-and-being-gaslighted
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/communication-success/201704/7-stages-gaslighting-in-relationship
Gaslighting is Hell. I know, because I've experienced it.
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madi18181
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what’s it like?
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RoseIsabella
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I find it rather insulting, because the person is basically lying, and trying to get me to doubt things which I know are true.
It's a little surreal too. I often find myself wondering if the person is just telling me bald faced lies or is in such deep denial of whatever happened that he or she seems to have some selective memory about.
--
Boojum
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I think those with psychopathic tendencies know they're lying and they deliberately use those lies to manipulate, while narcissists genuinely believe their twisted view of reality is true.
My mother-in-law has narcissistic tendencies, and her lies drove my wife nuts for years. Recognising that she's a narcissist makes it a little easier for my wife to cope with her, but it still annoys her. I think that's partly because my wife wants to respect and trust her mother, but that's simply impossible.
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RoseIsabella
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Both my mother and my now ex-boyfriend are probably narcissists, and they both gaslight. The context within which the gaslighting occurs is usually a response of rabid denial regarding something awful and abusive they've done. They are both incapable of accepting responsibility for their misdeeds. These are people who can never accept that they are less than perfect. It makes me sick to tell you the truth.
I think a lifetime of dealing with my mother sort of primed me for meeting, and falling for my now ex-boyfriend.
Gaslighting doesn't exist.
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RoseIsabella
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No, it's real. Believe me, gaslighting is real. I know about gaslighting firsthand, because my mother is a master of that awful shit.
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nikkiclaire
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I disagree. Since you know she does it, you are cognizant of it. So, its your mind. Not hers. Playing tricks.
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RoseIsabella
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You're free to disagree, but I stand by my opinion on this one.
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nikkiclaire
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Someone on this very site is gaslighting me rn. But i know it. So wtf is he doing?? Being an idiot thats all.
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MissileExpert
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You think you know, but do you really know? Whenever I suspect gas lighting I do the math. A ChiSquare distribution will tell you the probability that your sample data does not match the gaslighter's claim. Gas lighting occurs in the scientific community frequently to discredit claims as justification for unnecessary funding with redundant research grants.
Good gaslighters can even bend minds like yours by making claims on the threshold of perception. When you're up against the pros, math is your best weapon.