That's sort of weird to hear you say if you don't mind me saying. I always pictured you to be that nice guy, not the stereotypical one, but the one that actually has good and happy relationships because he's actually a chill guy to be around. Not saying that you're not chill, just thought that like you'd have one of those happy relationships.
I think that relationship helped me grow a lot... which is a nice way of saying that it was very painful but the pain made me who I am because I figured that there was a healthy way I should avoid it happening again - just chill out more and have maximum self-love and self-respect. Obviously those are aims, not instructions, and working out the instructions to achieve those aims was a lot harder (and it's a work in progress, but I am getting there).
When that relationhip was starting two years ago, I was very different. I was dependent on her and I enjoyed the fact that she was dependent on me because it gave me security. But because I was dependent I found myself accepting ways of being treated that weren't fair to me, and I because I was content with her being dependent I didn't notice that I was being suffocated until it was too late. But yeah, that relationship (as well as a few other things) has made a much happier, much more chilled out person.
I think I was a fundamentally "nice guy", and I think she was a nice girl. But neither of us were ready emotionally for that sort of relationship and we had far too many conflicting ways of thinking, conflicting priorities within the relationship that made me sacrifice doing what really made me happy to keep the relationship alive, which consequentially made the relationship not really worth having.
After that, I've found meeting and having healthy connections to girls a lot easier, and even though unfortunately no relationship has come from it I'm still happy being single.
So I suppose it's like the Sailor said: I don't regret it because it took me to a happy place. And it's like radar said: it's only clear now what I should have done because of hindsight.
It sounds like you learned a lot from this relationship, and although it may have been a bad experience at least you've learned from it. That's better than just sitting their wallowing in your self pity.
It's interesting still to hear you say that it didn't workout. I mean I figure you to be a pretty emotionally in tune guy. Like you have no qualms about how you feel, and you have no trouble telling people. I figured that with that in mind you probably would be like the ideal dude for a girl. I'll admit that I'm saying ideal since I hear a lot of girls preach about guys with nice personalities and I think you have that.
I can understand what you mean by allowing yourself to be treated a certain way just because you wanted love. At least that's how I interpreted it. Like she was dependent on you, which sounds awesome. But I could sort of see how that might play out badly. Like she might use as an ear and not really care about your feelings. I'm probably wrong, I can't really see it too well now that I'm thinking about it. It sounds nice in theory, having someone dependent on you for love and you for them.
But I'm sorry that it didn't workout, but at least some good came from it. There's always that.
It was different for me. When that relationship started I just wanted to be loved by anyone, because I felt like I was missing out by not having that. Being dependent meant that I sacrificed other things that made me happy for that relationship (time, hobbies and interests, sport, friends, some of my less important personal morals etc.) because I thought that it would be worth it, but the sort of love that we had isn't even close to enough to fill a life that is otherwise not happy and "sold out".
She cared about me a lot, but, instead of doing what made me happy because she cared about me, she guarded me jealously and didn't let me be happy because she was scared of losing me because she was dependent. That's what happens when relationships are dependent. I know if I had a relationship now, with a different girl who had an attitude more like mine is now, it would be a lot better and that's more than enough for me. The pain was temporary and shallow, but the gains are deep and permanent.
Dependency is like an addiction, and that means that you stop caring about the person you're with and you're prepared to sacrifice their feelings in order to keep them close. It's nice if two people both want the same thing and don't mind giving every second to each other, but I think eventually one of them will always be suffocated and want to pull away.
What are your biggest regrets?
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That's sort of weird to hear you say if you don't mind me saying. I always pictured you to be that nice guy, not the stereotypical one, but the one that actually has good and happy relationships because he's actually a chill guy to be around. Not saying that you're not chill, just thought that like you'd have one of those happy relationships.
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dom180
9 years ago
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I think that relationship helped me grow a lot... which is a nice way of saying that it was very painful but the pain made me who I am because I figured that there was a healthy way I should avoid it happening again - just chill out more and have maximum self-love and self-respect. Obviously those are aims, not instructions, and working out the instructions to achieve those aims was a lot harder (and it's a work in progress, but I am getting there).
When that relationhip was starting two years ago, I was very different. I was dependent on her and I enjoyed the fact that she was dependent on me because it gave me security. But because I was dependent I found myself accepting ways of being treated that weren't fair to me, and I because I was content with her being dependent I didn't notice that I was being suffocated until it was too late. But yeah, that relationship (as well as a few other things) has made a much happier, much more chilled out person.
I think I was a fundamentally "nice guy", and I think she was a nice girl. But neither of us were ready emotionally for that sort of relationship and we had far too many conflicting ways of thinking, conflicting priorities within the relationship that made me sacrifice doing what really made me happy to keep the relationship alive, which consequentially made the relationship not really worth having.
After that, I've found meeting and having healthy connections to girls a lot easier, and even though unfortunately no relationship has come from it I'm still happy being single.
So I suppose it's like the Sailor said: I don't regret it because it took me to a happy place. And it's like radar said: it's only clear now what I should have done because of hindsight.
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Anime7
9 years ago
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It sounds like you learned a lot from this relationship, and although it may have been a bad experience at least you've learned from it. That's better than just sitting their wallowing in your self pity.
It's interesting still to hear you say that it didn't workout. I mean I figure you to be a pretty emotionally in tune guy. Like you have no qualms about how you feel, and you have no trouble telling people. I figured that with that in mind you probably would be like the ideal dude for a girl. I'll admit that I'm saying ideal since I hear a lot of girls preach about guys with nice personalities and I think you have that.
I can understand what you mean by allowing yourself to be treated a certain way just because you wanted love. At least that's how I interpreted it. Like she was dependent on you, which sounds awesome. But I could sort of see how that might play out badly. Like she might use as an ear and not really care about your feelings. I'm probably wrong, I can't really see it too well now that I'm thinking about it. It sounds nice in theory, having someone dependent on you for love and you for them.
But I'm sorry that it didn't workout, but at least some good came from it. There's always that.
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dom180
9 years ago
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It was different for me. When that relationship started I just wanted to be loved by anyone, because I felt like I was missing out by not having that. Being dependent meant that I sacrificed other things that made me happy for that relationship (time, hobbies and interests, sport, friends, some of my less important personal morals etc.) because I thought that it would be worth it, but the sort of love that we had isn't even close to enough to fill a life that is otherwise not happy and "sold out".
She cared about me a lot, but, instead of doing what made me happy because she cared about me, she guarded me jealously and didn't let me be happy because she was scared of losing me because she was dependent. That's what happens when relationships are dependent. I know if I had a relationship now, with a different girl who had an attitude more like mine is now, it would be a lot better and that's more than enough for me. The pain was temporary and shallow, but the gains are deep and permanent.
Dependency is like an addiction, and that means that you stop caring about the person you're with and you're prepared to sacrifice their feelings in order to keep them close. It's nice if two people both want the same thing and don't mind giving every second to each other, but I think eventually one of them will always be suffocated and want to pull away.
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Anime7
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Interesting. I guess I could see what you mean then after you explained it. Sounds like it was horrible, like being suffocated.