Was your childhood fucked up like mine?

As brief as possible:
I was molested at two different times by my older siblings, my mother had no concept of how to raise kids and had mental problems. She was incredibly greedy and was always trying to get free money out of people. My estranged father claimed I wasn't his son though I looked like his clone.
I can give unlimited stories about my parents incompetence at parenting but they can be summed up easily... once my father came to visit and my older brother and sister got into a physical fight. Our father thought it was hilarious to see my brother punching her and said "hit her, Brian, hit her!"

My mother was the most selfish person I've ever met. My father showed up twice in my childhood and the second time we met him at a hotel he was staying at. He made a big show in front of the four of us about how he was here to give a gift to all of his kids and wife. He handed my brother a $100 bill and gave my sister the same. He then handed our mother $200 and proclaimed "there. Ive given something to all MY kids", with a loud stressing to the word my. My mother of course then took us shopping and bought me nothing with the money she had gotten. I think that's when I truly began to hate my parents.

Is this normal, or at least common?

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  • When i was 4 We moved into a small house where my parents still live today. They were never over bearing I could do what I wanted. I had a motorcycle license at 14 and I went wherever. My father would beat the shit out of me when I did anything that angered him. He was very unpredictable with his beatings. When I got to about 12 he quit spanking and started punching me. He broke my nose. Dropped out of school at 16.

    When I was 17 I was exiled from my house. I lived with friends. Got a apartment at 18 and my now wife moved in as a roommate to help with rent. She had crazy parents too. We were extremely poor for years. We made about 800 a month and our rent was 500. No healthcare at the time and I had to work with a fractured ankle loading trailers. Around the time I was 21 I sold my pain medicine which helped out alot with bills. We had no spending money but we had internet finally. I got hooked on heroine around 22 and was a junky my wife made good money by then and I spent most on drugs until I quit at 25. We were extremely poor in those years because of me. We had no AC, had to flush the toilet with a bucket, and had to bath in a sink. My wife stayed with me and now today I make enough money she doesnt have to work.

    But I cant really complain I grew up in a 1st world country with all kinds of privilege, I had healthcare growing up, food, air conditioning. I went through hard times financially but I wouldnt change that for anything. It taught me valuable lessons and I wish there was a way to teach my son those things without forcing him to go through it.

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  • I went through some similar stuff, but also different things

    My step cousin talked like 4 year old me into having sex with him, a few times I think. I didn't know what sex was, but I knew what we were doing felt good

    I moved around from home to home several times ever since I was ten. I spent a few years with my aunt and her family, I attribute pretty much all of my good qualities to them

    My mother let her liquor get to her, as well as like crack I was told, I pretty much stopped talking to all my other family when my step dad gained custody and moved us halfway down the east coast. I miss them sometimes, but I'm really scared to talk to them again

    I don't talk with my step dad anymore, he became very selfish in his retirement and started treating me more like a servant. He couldn't stand it if I ever wanted to talk about what he was doing, or if I wanted to like live my life. He'd only want to talk to me if he wanted something done. In the end I just started ignoring him, because every attempt I made at resolving issues was met with "I'm the parent and you're the child" and "my way or the highway"

    What really got me about his behavior is that it isn't how my aunt and uncle would act at all. Their family is so perfect and mentally healthy. He didn't even tell me we would be moving until some time after he was granted custody, and under the circumstances he would have known for quite some time

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    • you should reach out to your aunt and uncle and cousins. They probably have facebook.

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      • I really want to, but the last time my step dad evicted me I was invited to my cousin's wedding and I told them I couldn't request off from work because I didn't know what else to do. They said it was next year but I just ignored it

        It's been years since I've talked to them so it's like, how do I even begin and do they even want me to talk to them? I don't know if this is true or not, but shortly after gaining custody my step dad told me that my uncle threatened divorce with my aunt if I came back to live with them

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        • I would find them on facebook and message them saying its been years how yall doing.

          I dont think its that big of a deal you didnt go to a wedding. The uncle probably has nothing against you.

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          • I feel like it's been so long like they're gonna be like "oh gosh it's been a while" and I'm gonna get really awkward and what am I gonna say? I've been homeless pretty much since I was 18 with the exception to a few years and explain that whole situation, and I think my step dad might have told my half brother some exaggerated things and it's like it's been how long since they would have known that and not heard anything from me?

            And it's not like I was an angel when I was living with them, I was a wild child when I first moved in but I gradually matured and I wanted peace in my life but there were just so many situations I was negatively affected by because of my own ignorance on how people interact

            Like I'm 26 and I'm slowly relearning how to make friends with this 16 year old girl at work, who is super awesome for that by the way, I've just been isolated for so long

            I just don't know how, I don't think I'm ready yet but part of me thinks I can be soon. I just want to move into my apartment and get settled in life, buy some clothes, exercise, become socially adept. It's just taken FOREVER to get to this point

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            • You say you don't know what to say to them, but you've said things here that they might appreciate knowing.

              If you hold off on contacting them until you've got your head all squared away and you're living your vision of a perfect life, you probably never will. And the more time that passes, the more awkward you'll feel about making that first approach. Also, life has a way of turning on a dime; it's entirely possible that one or all of the relatives who had a positive influence on your life will be dead tomorrow, and you'll always regret never telling them what you've said here.

              I know it's really old-fashioned, but maybe you should consider writing them a letter rather than using social media. Basically, a thank-you letter expressing your gratitude for what they did for you when you were a kid, saying you now recognise that you were a handful when you lived with them and telling them that you consider them one of the few positive forces in your young life.

              I'm not clear about where your step-father fits in this family, but I don't think there's any need to get into things he may or may not have said about you. You definitely should not say anything about how he told you that your uncle threatened to leave his wife.

              You're an articulate guy, and if you sent a letter on paper, you'll be able to take your time and edit it until you felt you expressed your thoughts clearly. If you feel you're not ready to interact with them in real-time or face to face, there'd be nothing wrong about you saying that, and it would also remove any pressure on them to respond.

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  • I feel like everyone goes through some heavy shit but, this was hard to read. I wish I could hug you irl and let you know that things will be ok, but this is the best I can do over the internet.

    I had my fair share of childhood atrocities, and sometimes wondered why. Why me? Its not like I particularly did anything to anyone. Maybe I was a total piece of shit in the past life, so i'm repaying it all now, but I don't actually believe in that shit.

    When you're a child who has a family that outcasts them and treats them like shit you end up feeling like the world is cruel, because your family, especially your parents are models for the real world. I can't claim to know how you felt but I want you to know that, I'm rooting for you. Shit like this happens, in different forms, but in the end as long as you come out on top you win this fucked up game of reality. I hope you're doing ok and feel free to message me if you need to talk to anyone.

    Wish you the best.

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    • Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It means a lot.

      I feel like I won in life. My life is slightly boring but stable and secure. I dont have drama or negativity. Traveling is my crack and I fly somewhere interesting whenever I can. Life isn't perfect, but overall good now.

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      • Np, good to know you're doing better. It takes a lot of strength to come from such a dark place and rise to the top.

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  • I feel so bad reading this. I hope everything works better for you right now. *cyber hug*

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    • Yes everything is fine now. Thank you.

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  • I grew up quite wealthy but since my dad grew up poor, they were quite frugal with me and my 3 siblings. Went to the best schools and me and my siblings did sports and music classes. But, my mom beat the fuck out of us. Once I got beat for not eating the crust of a pb&j. I wasn’t allowed out and most my friends were scared of my parents so they never wanted to come over.

    The only thing about getting beat and verbally abused is that I see myself having the same behavior.

    I really don’t know anyone else whose parents aren’t also their best friends. Everyone else’s parents are so kind and accepting.

    Sorry your family was shit.

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  • What childhood. Ha.

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  • All of that sounds crazy. I hope you're not still talking to these people.

    Not sure if this description counts but I grew up in a rundown part of New York that was predominantly poor, Hispanic, and had a lot of crime. I've seen people get shot, I've seen people run people over with cars and leave the scene, I've seen places get robbed, and a host of other stupid things. There were a lot of drug dealers and there were drunks and druggies out in public making fools of themselves.

    My parents were too incompetent to raise kids. They'd hit my siblings and I with shoes, belts, and sticks if we did anything wrong. They also couldn't figure out basic shit like how to make a phone call, how to use food stamps properly, how to pay credit cards on time, how to check a debit balance, or how to keep a job for more than a year. Hell, they still can't figure this shit out now and are relying heavily on my brother and his new girlfriend to figure shit out for them.

    Other than that stuff, I did like most of my childhood. I miss riding bikes with my sister, playing Pokemon card games with friends, and just running around with no responsibilities.

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  • Thankfully my childhood was very normal with no major incidents and my parents love me very much

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  • A reality is that almost all lives are affected by some kind of "non-normal" childhood - and we have to learn to deal with some major things in our lives that just were not right...

    I'm not going to describe my childhood - only trust me that I've yet to meet a person who grew up in the USA who would like to trade theirs with mine... I've never met anyone in person or even online that describes a worse case of real poverty than what I grew up in (and poverty was only one of the aspects of my youth and family life).

    Learning to overcome all of that and have a positive and success orientated attitude in later life was my biggest accomplishment - and due to a large part the influence of other mentors in my life (and the fact that I really worked at it too). Most of my brothers and sisters have never achieved that.

    You can also move ahead in life and become positive and successful.

    You are not responsible for how you are raised. You cannot change that past - even as recently as a second ago. But, you can chose what you do in the future and what choices you make. You, and only you, are responsible for who you will become in the future. I suggest that you seek out and find a positive mentor who talks about your potential and what you can become, or even a positive internet website that focuses on positive personal change and success.

    I believe that you can succeed.

    Many of the most successful people I know (often self made multimillionaires) all had a severely messed up past. A reality is it gave them a needed reason and drive to become much more successful... It's my biggest driver as well... I am fleeing from a situation that was bad... and the only way to go was up!

    Go fourth and become more successful...

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  • Compared to your childhood mine was pretty normal.

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  • Pretty good, with minimal molestation.

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  • No, I didn't have a messed up childhood I had a a pretty normal one actually.

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  • You’re right, that was fucked up.

    Why do you want other people to measure their experiences against yours though? Are you looking for reassurance that this sort of thing happens to everyone?

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    • I dont know. I guess it would make me feel better if other people went through the same.

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  • Nope...very quiet...I’m all nature, not so much the nurture

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