I have been dealing with (I think) sort of the same thing for years. My childhood was internally chaotic, but to everyone around me, my life appeared actually better than normal- because i constantly made it a point to portray it like that. Unfortunately, in doing this I developed an unhealthy way to cope some of things that happened to me.
No matter how bad things were going or how sad I was, I refused to show it and instead appeared, talked and acted the exact opposite of how I really felt. Instead of addressing my own feelings and problems, I focused on other people and external things.
It worked quite well for me while i was a child and teenager, but half way through college, i ended up having a nervous breakdown. I was so overwhelmed and almost paralyzed with indecisiveness and anxiety when all of a sudden i was forced to make all of my own decisions, balance school and work, & just keep up and deal with normal adult stuff. I had pretty much no idea of what truly made ME happy and therefore had no lasting motivation to care about or really do much of anything.
It finally hit me that I had been self handicapping for half of my life & that I was secretly an emotional roller-coaster / a 'shell' of a person devoid of real purpose. At this point I'm just rambling, but long story short I ended up seeing a few different therapists before finally finding one I liked, but 6 months later I felt like a new person.
AHH Sorry this is such a long reply!... but if this sounds at all like you there is hope. The mind is a very powerful thing. While we might think that we know everything, its easy to fail to recognize abnormal thinking patterns, since they become a core part of you. This in itself can make you or break you, so don't sell yourself short! Good luck!
Sometimes I feel nothing...
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I have been dealing with (I think) sort of the same thing for years. My childhood was internally chaotic, but to everyone around me, my life appeared actually better than normal- because i constantly made it a point to portray it like that. Unfortunately, in doing this I developed an unhealthy way to cope some of things that happened to me.
No matter how bad things were going or how sad I was, I refused to show it and instead appeared, talked and acted the exact opposite of how I really felt. Instead of addressing my own feelings and problems, I focused on other people and external things.
It worked quite well for me while i was a child and teenager, but half way through college, i ended up having a nervous breakdown. I was so overwhelmed and almost paralyzed with indecisiveness and anxiety when all of a sudden i was forced to make all of my own decisions, balance school and work, & just keep up and deal with normal adult stuff. I had pretty much no idea of what truly made ME happy and therefore had no lasting motivation to care about or really do much of anything.
It finally hit me that I had been self handicapping for half of my life & that I was secretly an emotional roller-coaster / a 'shell' of a person devoid of real purpose. At this point I'm just rambling, but long story short I ended up seeing a few different therapists before finally finding one I liked, but 6 months later I felt like a new person.
AHH Sorry this is such a long reply!... but if this sounds at all like you there is hope. The mind is a very powerful thing. While we might think that we know everything, its easy to fail to recognize abnormal thinking patterns, since they become a core part of you. This in itself can make you or break you, so don't sell yourself short! Good luck!