Should I just accept my partner cheating as an inevitability?

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  • No you should not just accept that - unless you and your partner make a conscious decision to open the marriage (and then adopt reasonable rules on how it works: "Free for all" open marriages with no rules don't last).

    However, outside of survival situations (which are extremely rare and can be forgiven) most cheating can be prevented. There is however somewhere between 5-7% of the population that actually functions best if they have multiple partners (which is where a rule controlled open marriage can come into play - and its not cheating if its agreed upon and they follow the rules).

    The question is why do people cheat, and how to prevent it.

    1st step is to get the book: "The 5 Love Languages" by: Gary Chapman. Both you and your partner need to read it (I usually suggest getting 2 copies). Learn how to keep each other's "love tank" full and that eliminates about 80% of the reasons that people cheat.

    The other 20% is because real sexual needs cannot be met by their partner, or the very rare survival situation and influenced by drugs so they don't understand or can control what they are doing.

    The former issue of unmet sexual needs is best handled by agreeing to open the relationship (which is not cheating); and the rare survival situation or drugs affecting their ability to control themselves can be accepted as just rare events that are unlikely to occur again. Note people survive best if they pair up during a survival situation (and some survival situations can be very short). My wife and I agreed that each should do what is needed to best survive and come home someday in the best shape you can. Even children can be handled along with the fact that you may have another life long friend with benefits.

    As for opening a relationship: I highly suggest the book: "More Than Two" by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. There are many real issues that have to be considered and each set of partners need to determine what rules on what issues works best for them.

    So, if you do nothing it is an even chance that your partner will cheat on you or that you will cheat on them (you can fall too).

    If you take proactive action to learn how to keep each other's love tank full, and possibly open the marriage if needed (and with rules) - then you can likely stave off cheating for your entire life.

    Please note that my wife and I have a "you can aks" rule, and the answer is not an automatic no rule. If someone feels a need for sex with another outside of whatever is agreed to between the two of you. Please ask, let's talk about why. If there is a reasonable why then the answer will likely be "yes" although there will likely be rules about things related to STDs and pregnancy protection.

    It's far better to deal with something openly (even if distasteful), than to have a lie generated. Lies destroy relationships. I've never heard of sex with a normal person hurting them. Please create conditions where you and your partner never feel the need to lie.

    You should also watch this 21.5 minute TED talk to open your eyes on different aspects of the issue: Rethinking infidelity... a talk for anyone who has ever loved; by Esther Perel

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q

    I wish you well with this,

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