Should i give my guy friend a chance?

I have a guy friend that I went on one date with over a year ago. We had a great time but I didn't feel any attraction.
He got feelings for me fast but accepted friendship. We didn't see each other much after due to distance though.
About 7 months later we decided to give it a chance anyway. It was a mutual decision. I felt I was being stupid for not even having given him a chance and that I might regret it.
However timing was wrong for us both so it didn't go anywhere, we even lost touch for like 3 months after the date we had then. He was also in an odd position because another female friend of his from nearly 10 years back just got dumped and started flirting with him and when we lost touch they started to pursue things apparently.
He got surprised when I texted him again out of nowhere one day, but happy.
He went to visit her recently (she lives even further away from him, much further than I) but was extremely miserable. We texted a lot and the topic came up about our last date and he regretted how that turned out. I agreed but said it probably wasn't our time. We then decided to make more of an effort to at least hang out more often. He obviously still has feelings for me and I on and off question my feelings for him but attraction is still missing...

He makes me happy though. I loved my exes so much but they never made me happy in that way. I will text this guy friend of mine when i'm feeling down for example just because he will cheer me up, he doesn't even need to know that i'm down and I don't need to mention it - it's like his energy alone lifts me up. He is always there for me as well, whatever it is. He listens and he makes me feel better and he gets me.
He also gets on my nerves however. We are very similar people and certain things I am annoyed at myself about I see in him too.
I really wish I could grow attraction for him though because I always only feel instant attraction to men who turn out to be jerks so I have gotten sick of instant attraction - it's overrated. However i'm afraid of giving a chance to someone I don't feel that with instantly.
Can attraction really grow? And would it help if we did make an effort to see each other in person more often, like does that make a big difference?

Is It Normal?
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  • I gave a guy a chance despite not being attracted to him, because he was my friend, treated me well, and kept asking me to just give him a chance. I thought maybe I could overlook the lack of attraction or that he would eventually grow on me.

    Unfortunately, I was wrong. When something is missing like that, you can't force it and usually it doesn't just come along one day. My lack of attraction combined with my nervousness and shyness about intimacy made any physical intimacy impossible because I was just so uncomfortable with it, and neither of us were happy. We had other differences as well that made it difficult, and we ended up breaking up and unfortunately are no longer friends. I feel I made a huge mistake and wasted both of our time, as well as cost our friendship.

    If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't do it. All it was was a painful lesson learned the hard way for me.

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    • Thanks for sharing your experience. I will keep it in mind, maybe try to spend more time together as friends and see what happens with attraction before trying to be more than friends...

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  • Have you talked to the guy about this in the same way you explained your feelings in your OP?

    It could be that the best relationship - for you - with the guy could be as a friend. But if you're absolutely certain you'll never find him attractive that wouldn't be fair to him, since he'd probably be constantly hoping that your feelings for him would change.

    From what you say about your previous relationships, it sounds like you're right to distrust your initial reactions to guys. I think you should do some work on trying to understand why you're attracted to assholes. I'm a firm believer in female intuition, so I'm sure you knew at some level that those guys were jerks from the moment you met them, but you ignored that feeling and went ahead and jumped in anyway. Ask yourself what you got out of that. Do you perhaps believe way down deep that you deserve to be treated like shit? Is it possible that your lack of feelings for the guy is due to you believing that you don't deserve to be with someone who cares about you and makes you happy?

    I think it's very perceptive of you to say that the things you find most annoying about the guy mirror the failings you see in yourself. That's very common, but many people never recognise that psychological mechanism at work in their relationships. Maybe you need to learn to accept yourself more, or perhaps you could figure out ways of working around those personal weaknesses in yourself and him.

    In some cultures, arranged marriages are the norm. Some of those turn out to be sheer hell for both parties, but some of those couples grow to love each other and live long, contented lives together. So, yes, it is possible for love and attraction to grow, but you have to into the relationship being open to allowing those feelings to develop.

    However, I can't see that ever happening if you and the guy are not seeing each other IRL regularly. I'm not clear on the chronology and how much time you've actually spent in each other's company, but from what you say, it seems possible that neither of you really knows the other in any true sense. So I think it's possible that your feelings may deepen for him if you spend more time with together. But you need to be aware that it's also possible that he may reconsider his feelings for you if he gets to know you better.

    I've been in a few long-term relationships in my 60+ years, and I've come to believe that the Hollywood version of romance and relationships is a load of unrealistic crap. If you go through life looking for some perfect person who fills you with lust and longing the moment your eyes meet, if you believe those feelings should last forever, and if you believe the relationship is over and it's time to look for a new Perfect Person when those feelings fade - as they inevitably will - then it's most likely you'll never be content. A few very fortunate people do end up in relationships that never lose their initial intensity, but that's very unusual. It seems to me far better to find someone you can respect and who respects you, who shares your general views of the world, who wants to make you happy, and who has the emotional maturity and flexibility to communicate clearly and work out compromises when the inevitable conflicts arise.

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    • Thanks for your answer.

      We have talked things through a few times. He knows that I am a lot more unsure of how I feel than he is but I think he is also unsure since I am... He's also been hurt before and doesn't want that again. Last time we talked about it we basically said we'll see what happens but let's focus on trying to see each other more often for now.

      I've tried to figure out why I am attracted to the men I am attracted to and I think it's a mixture of experience and well, not having great confidence as well I guess. I also struggle with opening up to people and being vulnerable... That could probably play a part in what men I attract as well.

      I don't know if i'll never be attracted to this friend of mine. I know that before I have dated a guy, we dated for quite a long time but things never really got to an intimiate level so eventually we decided to be just friends and by that time I had 0 attraction for him.
      We started to hang out more though because we both were quite lonley and lived in the same town but all the time I felt grossed out at the thought of anything more with him but one day when we met up as usual to hang out it just felt different and my feelings grew from that day forward and attraction came out of nowhere too so judging by that I guess it's not impossible something like that could happen again but the difference is we could hang out often very easily.

      I agree with you that Hollywood romance is unrealistic. I would never dump someone I loved because those feelings of new love fades. What I want in the end is someone who also feels that way and that would stay in the long run and be willing to fight for our relationship. The men I usually meet are not the type of men who would I think, and that makes me want to try a different tactic and date someone I would usually not go for.


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  • Naw just move on. You can't force a good thing.

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    • I don't think it would be forcing, moe like trying. We've never I actually tried. It was my choice to give up immadiately when there was no instant attraction.

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