It's good, but not great. There are a few typos and incorrect sentence structures, but they're not really a problem. It took a little while to get into it and I agree with everyone else about the awkwardness of the first sentence.
There are also a few weird sentences such as, "He plucks his puckered lips at Hanna's once or twice before Hanna seals the deal herself." (The alliteration and use of the word "pluck" just doesn't sound right and what's with the once OR twice?) Also the part where Jack "croaks" seems wrong at that part.
Then the ending: "Then what do you suggest?" "I'd suggest that we stop speaking for a while, take a break from each other." Hanna braces herself. "But I would like to start seeing you again, if that's okay with you." Hanna lets out a sigh of relief as she glances at her other half, her better half. A weak smile forms on her face as she begins to shed tears of happiness.
^ I don't know why, but this part was really abrupt and strange to me.
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It's good, but not great. There are a few typos and incorrect sentence structures, but they're not really a problem. It took a little while to get into it and I agree with everyone else about the awkwardness of the first sentence.
There are also a few weird sentences such as, "He plucks his puckered lips at Hanna's once or twice before Hanna seals the deal herself." (The alliteration and use of the word "pluck" just doesn't sound right and what's with the once OR twice?) Also the part where Jack "croaks" seems wrong at that part.
Then the ending: "Then what do you suggest?" "I'd suggest that we stop speaking for a while, take a break from each other." Hanna braces herself. "But I would like to start seeing you again, if that's okay with you." Hanna lets out a sigh of relief as she glances at her other half, her better half. A weak smile forms on her face as she begins to shed tears of happiness.
^ I don't know why, but this part was really abrupt and strange to me.
Once again, though, it's good.
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kelili
10 years ago
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This is a great comment^