I think it is a good story, but it could use a little work. One thing that I would work on is description. At some parts, your description is absolutatly beautiful and amazing, but there are other parts where I feel it is a bit too much. Don't be afraid to be simply some time, and it's okay to use small words. Larger words should only be used to dramatize a moment.
The first line I would cut short to "Hanna and Jack lie next to each other as if Death himself had just given their vocal chords a visit". Instead of "Hanna and Jack lie next to each other in complete and utter silence, it is as if Death himself has just given their vocal cords a visit." To me, it's slightly too descriptive and that kind of distracts from what's going on. Also, in the second sentence, I think that observing is too strong of a word to use right there. I think watching would do just fine. To me, observing would be more like deep analyzing and I don't think that is really what she's doing.
"Shoot out her mouth with ease"... <that a little bit through me off. When you think of something shooting out, you don't think of it coming out with ease. Shooting typically means that it's coming out quickly. I think it would be fine for you to just say that it came out of her mouth with ease.
"They breathe each other's air, one of them inhaling as the other exhales..." <I think it would be fine to just say "They breathed each other's air."
"A small sliver of a smile sneaks onto Hanna's face, the corners of her mouth pulling upward." I think that too could be cut short to "A small sliver of a smile sneaks onto Hanna's face (period)" It just sounds too descriptive.
I voted it "good but not great" because, again, there are places that need a little work, and don't worry. That's not a bad thing. All best sellers needed work before they were even published. I think that it has potential and I encourage you to keep working on it to make it the best it can be. I wish you the best of luck with it. :)
I think that you should not try to change the way he writes. You can advise him to make it simpler. I know you are trying to help but I am friend with a writer who told me that people who did what you have just done are polluters because they try to push their insense into somebody's else work.
I wasn't re-writing her story. I was just letting her know the things I felt could be improved. I think that she has a great story, but like every story (even best sellers) it just needs a little bit of work before it can be a complete product. All writers who take their work seriously do this. I, in no way, was trying to change her story. I was just letting her know what she could do to perfect it.
I think that KeddersPrincess gave me what I wanted, which was constructive criticism. I don't think that she's trying to change the way that I write, rather improve it. As you can see, my writing skills aren't perfect and can use a little fine tuning. I can absorb her feedback and learn from it so that I can grow as a writer. That's how writers learn. Oh, yeah, and I'm a girl.
Oh I haven't understand that you wanted someone to re-write the story. That's not the way you'll succeed in story writing, believe me. I write short stories too and have participated in some competitions. I have met some very good regional writers. What they do is that they have created a sort of group where you can read your story aloud to the audience and then they discuss about their work etc.. They do not re-write each other's story. Never, that's not the way writers evoluate. They listen to the criticism and they try to re-write in BY THEMSELVES paying attention what they've been advised to change, sometimes not changing many things at all.
Let's say that you are a special kind of writer. Lmao!
Now I just feel like you're trying to insult me. She gave me constructive criticism and I will do with it what I want. I'm not going to correct everything that she told me to correct, I'm going to make my own decisions about my own writing. She did advise me to change a few things, but its up to me wether or not to change them. She is in no way re-writing this story for me.
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I think it is a good story, but it could use a little work. One thing that I would work on is description. At some parts, your description is absolutatly beautiful and amazing, but there are other parts where I feel it is a bit too much. Don't be afraid to be simply some time, and it's okay to use small words. Larger words should only be used to dramatize a moment.
The first line I would cut short to "Hanna and Jack lie next to each other as if Death himself had just given their vocal chords a visit". Instead of "Hanna and Jack lie next to each other in complete and utter silence, it is as if Death himself has just given their vocal cords a visit." To me, it's slightly too descriptive and that kind of distracts from what's going on. Also, in the second sentence, I think that observing is too strong of a word to use right there. I think watching would do just fine. To me, observing would be more like deep analyzing and I don't think that is really what she's doing.
"Shoot out her mouth with ease"... <that a little bit through me off. When you think of something shooting out, you don't think of it coming out with ease. Shooting typically means that it's coming out quickly. I think it would be fine for you to just say that it came out of her mouth with ease.
"They breathe each other's air, one of them inhaling as the other exhales..." <I think it would be fine to just say "They breathed each other's air."
"A small sliver of a smile sneaks onto Hanna's face, the corners of her mouth pulling upward." I think that too could be cut short to "A small sliver of a smile sneaks onto Hanna's face (period)" It just sounds too descriptive.
I voted it "good but not great" because, again, there are places that need a little work, and don't worry. That's not a bad thing. All best sellers needed work before they were even published. I think that it has potential and I encourage you to keep working on it to make it the best it can be. I wish you the best of luck with it. :)
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kelili
10 years ago
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I think that you should not try to change the way he writes. You can advise him to make it simpler. I know you are trying to help but I am friend with a writer who told me that people who did what you have just done are polluters because they try to push their insense into somebody's else work.
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KeddersPrincess
10 years ago
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justanordinarygirl
10 years ago
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I wasn't re-writing her story. I was just letting her know the things I felt could be improved. I think that she has a great story, but like every story (even best sellers) it just needs a little bit of work before it can be a complete product. All writers who take their work seriously do this. I, in no way, was trying to change her story. I was just letting her know what she could do to perfect it.
I think that KeddersPrincess gave me what I wanted, which was constructive criticism. I don't think that she's trying to change the way that I write, rather improve it. As you can see, my writing skills aren't perfect and can use a little fine tuning. I can absorb her feedback and learn from it so that I can grow as a writer. That's how writers learn. Oh, yeah, and I'm a girl.
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kelili
10 years ago
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Oh I haven't understand that you wanted someone to re-write the story. That's not the way you'll succeed in story writing, believe me. I write short stories too and have participated in some competitions. I have met some very good regional writers. What they do is that they have created a sort of group where you can read your story aloud to the audience and then they discuss about their work etc.. They do not re-write each other's story. Never, that's not the way writers evoluate. They listen to the criticism and they try to re-write in BY THEMSELVES paying attention what they've been advised to change, sometimes not changing many things at all.
Let's say that you are a special kind of writer. Lmao!
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justanordinarygirl
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Now I just feel like you're trying to insult me. She gave me constructive criticism and I will do with it what I want. I'm not going to correct everything that she told me to correct, I'm going to make my own decisions about my own writing. She did advise me to change a few things, but its up to me wether or not to change them. She is in no way re-writing this story for me.
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kelili
10 years ago
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No I'm not insulting you.
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justanordinarygirl
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Then what did you mean by "special kind of writer?" Sounds like an insult to me.