What vanguard said and then there were a few of the metaphors and descriptions in there that could go. The point about it not being an awkward silence is definitely one of them. Also the first one with death giving a visit to the vocal cords. That just sounds a bit awkward. I like the idea there; it just doesn't flow quite right.
There were a few typos and that, but I doubt that's the part you want critiqued. Overall, it's not too bad.
Short Story Entry
← View full post
What vanguard said and then there were a few of the metaphors and descriptions in there that could go. The point about it not being an awkward silence is definitely one of them. Also the first one with death giving a visit to the vocal cords. That just sounds a bit awkward. I like the idea there; it just doesn't flow quite right.
There were a few typos and that, but I doubt that's the part you want critiqued. Overall, it's not too bad.