Share something funny you've heard lately

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree',
the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella',
the walnut says 'I look like a brain',
and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

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  • Funny story here:

    Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a hole. They look down and can’t see the bottom. They wonder how deep it is and go looking for something to throw down the hole.

    They see a rusty old anvil and throw it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

    Suddenly, they hear rustling leaves behind them and a galloping sound. A goat goes flying past them straight into the hole. They are pretty astonished.

    Then they hear a guy calling out for his goat. He sees the two hunters and one says, “I’m sorry, but if you’re looking for your goat he just ran into this bottomless hole.”

    The man says, “That’s impossible, I tied him off to an anvil.”

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  • When terrorists feed their children, do they use the airplane method of "open wide" while making airplane noises? Or do they just smash it into their faces?

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  • "black lives matter"

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  • Whats the difference between usain bolt and hitler? Usain bolt can finish a race...

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  • Why did Hitler commit suicide?
    He got the gas bill.

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  • A seal walks into a club

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  • lady walks into a tattoo parlor and gets a picture of john lennon on the inside of her left thigh and a picture of paul mccartney on inside of her right thigh

    when its done she argues with the tattooist about the quality of the likenesses so the tattooist decides to get an impartial opinion

    he goes outside and grabs a drunk staggering down the street and says he needs him to settle a dispute

    he drags the drunk into the tattoo parlor and demands 'is this not john lennon? is this not paul mccartney?'

    drunk says 'i dont know about either of them but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath must be willie nelson!'

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  • One funny thing was when I did knock, run and ditch, I knocked on one of the shops, my cousin and I started running for it even though it was raining, some dude went chasing us, the funniest thing was he slipped while trying to catch up to us.

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  • “What’s large, white and could fall out of a tree and kill you?”


    Racked my brain...”no idea”



    “A fridge”


    🙄

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    • Ok I'll be honest. I don't get it. Is it a literal fridge. Or is that what some people call a clump of hardened snow on a tree?

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  • I heard a old man say "its hotter out here than a well diggers buttcrack"

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  • It's been years since I heard this joke but it still cracks me up xD

    an Australian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are hiking in the amazon. they are approached by a group of very angry natives who are appalled that the travellers have walked onto their sacred grounds. they subdue the travellers and take them to the chief. the chief says:

    "how dare you cut through our sacred vines. the punishment for this crime is death. when we kill you, we will cut off your skin and we will use it to make a canoe, a canoe that will forever stay on the waters, a warning to any other traveller who dares set foot in our sacred land! you may choose one item to behold before we kill you for your crimes!"

    so the frenchman asks for a knife, and when the chief hands it to him, he says:

    "I will not die by the hands of you animals! VIVA LA FRANCE!" and gallantly raises the knife he stabs himself in the heart.

    the Englishman again, asks for a knife. he says:

    "like my brethren from across the water, I shall not die by the hand of you utter mongrels, GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!!" and just like the frenchman, he stabs himself in the heart.

    now, only the Aussie is left, and when the chief asks him what item he wants, he asks for a fork. Puzzled, the chief hands him a fork and he proceeds to stab himself about 15 times all over his body. He hands the fork back to the confused chief and says

    "TRY MAKING A CANOE NOW YA CUNTS"

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  • Yo mama...wait...that was my mama. Nevermind.

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  • “Tiffany” That’s the funniest thing I heard recently. Why? Well cuz of my cousin’s daughter. She is 2 turning 3 in September. This little brat is smart and loves to fuck with people, especially me. She knows my name is Tiara yet keeps calling me Tiffany, which is the name of my other cousin. One day as I was babysitting, I heard her finally call my name twice as she was just babbling about stuff. I didn’t realize it until she said my name for a second time and when I did I spoke up immediately. I said, “Mia what did you call me?” I was excited, thinking she finally was saying my name. But then she looked me dead in the eye with a straight face and said, “Tiffany.”

    I love that baby and she did make me laugh, but I seriously don’t know why she loves to mess with me so much. I don’t think you will find it funny but I think it was and evening now as I typed this, I’m smiling. I really do love that little brat.

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    • She likes you so she picks at you.

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