I'll tell you about four friends of mine. All women.
Christina has been my friend since middle school. She and I have been through thick and thin, and I plan to have with me through the rest of my life. I have a relational attraction to her.
My friend Francesca and I love to cuddle when we watch movies. We've slept in the same bed before and cuddled, and we give each other long comforting hugs. I have an affectional attraction to her.
My friend Caitlin is someone that I love to be spontaneous with. We've gone to a swing dance night with just the two of us. We have intimate dinners. And I bring her flowers all the time. I love to excite and surprise her. I have a romantic attraction towards her.
And finally there's my friend Shelly. We love to have deep talks. We open up about our feelings to each other- the good, the bad, and the ugly. We are so vulnerable around each other, and communicate in a deeper level than just the words on the surface. She also makes me smile whenever she is around. I have an emotional attraction to her.
Four different attractions, four different women... But I am not sexually attracted to any of them. I would am not aroused by them in that way. I don't want to have sex with them.
As a gay man, it's not to say that there aren't ANY women I could find sexually attractive, but it's not very likely I will be sexually aroused by women, nor will it happen from first glance. Sometimes we have attractions that cross over each other. Like, I could meet a guy and think he's very hot, and have a strong sexual attraction to him. But then we talk for a while and I find out... Oh, he's an asshole. Sometimes my strong distaste for his personality has turned off my sexual attraction towards him. And some times, it might not. I might think- "Who cares? I still want to get in bed with him!"
Basically what I'm saying is that all sexuality is a person by person experience. Because our values, education, genetics, biology, identity, and upbringing our different. And when you mix that with someone else's, you're going to get different reactions.
I identify as gay because I have found out of the five attractions, men are the ones they spark for the most... At least in my surroundings. Sexuality is not meant to be concrete and rigid. It is meant to be fluid, like all human beings are. So absolutely you can have more than one person on earth that you love, or that doesn't coincide with the typical definition for your sexual orientation. But even if I fall in love with a women in all five ways tomorrow, I'm still going to say that I'm gay. Because that's the identity I feel most comfortable with. I'm not going to change it to straight just because I fall for a woman, I'd feel like I was lying to myself if I did that.
That's why I say that ultimately, labels in sexuality- they're not real. We made them up for the sake of simplified understanding. Labels can help many times, but they are never 100%.
And yes. All attractions are possible at once. "I have 5 of the 5 attractions towards so-and-so, and only 2 of the 5 for this other so-and-so." They can be in any combination, and change for any person over time. Like, having a best friend that you one day fall in love with. Or having a hot romance in the past that you now have a restraining order against. Sexuality changes, but that doesn't mean it's by conscious choice.
WOW!! This is even more interesting than before.
Question: Are those females that you say you have in your life real or made up, like have you genuinely felt those attractions you stated? Where did you learn all this from? I finally understand how it all works. When you love someone deeply do you have to have all the attractions to feel that or just some of them or what? And are they all equal or are is one better/stronger than another or is it all love?
They are all real women in my life, and yes, I do feel those attractions. Love is how you define it, so you can have any number of attractions with any combinations and still be in love. Some attractions will be stronger or weaker pending the person. It's a person-by-person experience.
The first time I came out to someone was when I was 11 years old. I wasn't a popular kid to begin with, but I lost many friends because of it. And I just didn't get it. I never understood why people had such an issue with me being gay. It wasn't like I woke up some day and said, "Ya know what. I want to screw with everyone and force myself to find men attractive." That's just never how it worked for me, and as I got older and met more gay people, I realized- "Oh! That's not how it works for anyone."
If others would have just treated me equally then my life would have been a lot more peaceful. There wouldn't be thousands of children committing suicide because they are made to feel ashamed for something they don't control. And it just majorly pissed me off how everyone else thought THEY were the sexuality experts when it came to MY sexuality. When I was just starting to come out as a child, I was told:
-It's just a phase.
-I'll grow out of it.
-I shouldn't tell people I'm gay because it *is* just a phase, and when I'm older everyone will keep my reputation as a gay person, and I will keep following this belief when the phase is over.
-I'm to young to be thinking about sex.
-I don't even know what sex is.
-I don't even know what love is.
-I'm slutty.
-I'm promiscuous.
-ALL I think about is sex.
-I have an illness.
-I have a mental disorder.
-I'm a pervert.
-I'm a child molester.
-I, myself, was molested as a child.
-I was molested by a man and I now seek relationships with men to control this trauma that I couldn't control when I was a child.
-I was molested by a woman and have become so traumatized that I fear intimacy with women.
-I had an imbalance of male and female role models in my life.
-I did too many female "roles" as a child.
-I lacked a father figure and seek men to fill this void in my life.
-My mother was overprotective and I pursue her role, replicating her sexuality as a heterosexual female.
-My parents MUST be divorced.
-My older brother bullied me way too much.
-I didn't play enough sports as a child.
-I played with to many dolls as a child.
-I am corrupted by Satan.
-I lack Jesus in my life.
-I'm an abomination.
-I've chosen to walk away from God.
-The media "taught" me to be gay.
-I've been hanging around other gay people and now they've got me thinking I'M gay.
-"I knew we shouldn't have let him watch Spongebob!"
And I've also been told:
-I don't have a life. I have a life-STYLE... and it's a choice.
When I heard all of these things growing up, all I kept thinking was... "You are so wrong." I will be the first one to admit, yes... I absolutely DO make a big deal out of being gay. But that's because I know there are millions out there, just like me, that grew up hearing the same things. These are things queer youth STILL hear. And it angers me, because people have no research, no evidence, no validity, no "real" proof whatsoever to make such claims.
I've done my homework, people. I've studied sexuality in the Freudian and Kleinian aspects of psychology. I know about the oral, anal, and phallic "stages". I know about the id, the ego, and the superego. I understand the intra-psychic forces and direct socialization forces. I know the theories about the different parts of the brain, how they function, and when they develop. I've looked at the macro and micro levels of sociology with it's 9 major perspectives: structural, functionalist, conflict, feminist, ecological, developmental, symbolic interactionist, social exchange, and family systems. I've studied the different types of feminism, including liberal, radical, socialist, womanist, cultural, global, Marxist, and ecological. I've read the works of Kate Bornstein, Simone de Beavior, bell hooks, Nancy Chodorow, and countless others writers on women, gender, and sexuality. I've done the research on queer theory from ancient greece, learning about man-boy love, Alexander the Great, the different Amazonian, Romanian, Greek, Athenian, and several other cultures of women. I've read almost every argument/theory and study you can imagine about being gay-by-nature (fingerlength, hair whirl, an undiscovered "gay gene", studies in twins, etc) vs gay-by-nurture. I've studied the 12 systems of oppression: sexism, heterosexism, racism, cisgenderism, classism, colorism, ableism, lookism, sizeism, ageism, nativism, colonialism. I've studied two-spirits, hirjas, the transition from drag to the Vamp in India, Helen, and "beautiful boy" culture. I understand the human anatomy of males and females. I've read the 8 verses that mention homosexuality in the bible, and have researched the different definitions of "abomination" pending the time period. I've heard the stories of Stonewall, Harvey Milk, Anita Bryant, Matthew Shepard, and countless others. I've studied A.R.T. (Assisted Reproductive Technology) and the different issues you run into amongst race, class, laws, and the different types of medical, social, and cultural infertility. I've worked with experts in the field. I've done social experiments. I've counseled numerous LGBTQ children, teens, and young adults. I understand all of the arguments for civil unions, marriage, the notions that say the government shouldn't be involved with marriage at all because it demeans single people, and so on. I've learned about the process of transitioning from male to female, or female to male; the hormones, medications, and surgical routes that are taken. I've made speeches at rallies, participated in LGBTQ panels, told my stories of suicide and depression to children to help them have better lives in there coming out process. I can go on and on and on and on... and I'm sure anyone who reads my lengthy posts know this by now.
But anyone who thinks I'm just another joe-shmo on the internet blowing smoke- pick a topic. ANY. I DARE you! Cause even if there's something I haven't learned, you'll rock my world by letting me know. I want to learn EVERYTHING there is to learn about sexuality. And I've only gotten started.
Sexuality changing in phases still
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I'll tell you about four friends of mine. All women.
Christina has been my friend since middle school. She and I have been through thick and thin, and I plan to have with me through the rest of my life. I have a relational attraction to her.
My friend Francesca and I love to cuddle when we watch movies. We've slept in the same bed before and cuddled, and we give each other long comforting hugs. I have an affectional attraction to her.
My friend Caitlin is someone that I love to be spontaneous with. We've gone to a swing dance night with just the two of us. We have intimate dinners. And I bring her flowers all the time. I love to excite and surprise her. I have a romantic attraction towards her.
And finally there's my friend Shelly. We love to have deep talks. We open up about our feelings to each other- the good, the bad, and the ugly. We are so vulnerable around each other, and communicate in a deeper level than just the words on the surface. She also makes me smile whenever she is around. I have an emotional attraction to her.
Four different attractions, four different women... But I am not sexually attracted to any of them. I would am not aroused by them in that way. I don't want to have sex with them.
As a gay man, it's not to say that there aren't ANY women I could find sexually attractive, but it's not very likely I will be sexually aroused by women, nor will it happen from first glance. Sometimes we have attractions that cross over each other. Like, I could meet a guy and think he's very hot, and have a strong sexual attraction to him. But then we talk for a while and I find out... Oh, he's an asshole. Sometimes my strong distaste for his personality has turned off my sexual attraction towards him. And some times, it might not. I might think- "Who cares? I still want to get in bed with him!"
Basically what I'm saying is that all sexuality is a person by person experience. Because our values, education, genetics, biology, identity, and upbringing our different. And when you mix that with someone else's, you're going to get different reactions.
I identify as gay because I have found out of the five attractions, men are the ones they spark for the most... At least in my surroundings. Sexuality is not meant to be concrete and rigid. It is meant to be fluid, like all human beings are. So absolutely you can have more than one person on earth that you love, or that doesn't coincide with the typical definition for your sexual orientation. But even if I fall in love with a women in all five ways tomorrow, I'm still going to say that I'm gay. Because that's the identity I feel most comfortable with. I'm not going to change it to straight just because I fall for a woman, I'd feel like I was lying to myself if I did that.
That's why I say that ultimately, labels in sexuality- they're not real. We made them up for the sake of simplified understanding. Labels can help many times, but they are never 100%.
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A-Hor
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And yes. All attractions are possible at once. "I have 5 of the 5 attractions towards so-and-so, and only 2 of the 5 for this other so-and-so." They can be in any combination, and change for any person over time. Like, having a best friend that you one day fall in love with. Or having a hot romance in the past that you now have a restraining order against. Sexuality changes, but that doesn't mean it's by conscious choice.
--
losthere
10 years ago
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WOW!! This is even more interesting than before.
Question: Are those females that you say you have in your life real or made up, like have you genuinely felt those attractions you stated? Where did you learn all this from? I finally understand how it all works. When you love someone deeply do you have to have all the attractions to feel that or just some of them or what? And are they all equal or are is one better/stronger than another or is it all love?
--
A-Hor
10 years ago
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They are all real women in my life, and yes, I do feel those attractions. Love is how you define it, so you can have any number of attractions with any combinations and still be in love. Some attractions will be stronger or weaker pending the person. It's a person-by-person experience.
The first time I came out to someone was when I was 11 years old. I wasn't a popular kid to begin with, but I lost many friends because of it. And I just didn't get it. I never understood why people had such an issue with me being gay. It wasn't like I woke up some day and said, "Ya know what. I want to screw with everyone and force myself to find men attractive." That's just never how it worked for me, and as I got older and met more gay people, I realized- "Oh! That's not how it works for anyone."
If others would have just treated me equally then my life would have been a lot more peaceful. There wouldn't be thousands of children committing suicide because they are made to feel ashamed for something they don't control. And it just majorly pissed me off how everyone else thought THEY were the sexuality experts when it came to MY sexuality. When I was just starting to come out as a child, I was told:
-It's just a phase.
-I'll grow out of it.
-I shouldn't tell people I'm gay because it *is* just a phase, and when I'm older everyone will keep my reputation as a gay person, and I will keep following this belief when the phase is over.
-I'm to young to be thinking about sex.
-I don't even know what sex is.
-I don't even know what love is.
-I'm slutty.
-I'm promiscuous.
-ALL I think about is sex.
-I have an illness.
-I have a mental disorder.
-I'm a pervert.
-I'm a child molester.
-I, myself, was molested as a child.
-I was molested by a man and I now seek relationships with men to control this trauma that I couldn't control when I was a child.
-I was molested by a woman and have become so traumatized that I fear intimacy with women.
-I had an imbalance of male and female role models in my life.
-I did too many female "roles" as a child.
-I lacked a father figure and seek men to fill this void in my life.
-My mother was overprotective and I pursue her role, replicating her sexuality as a heterosexual female.
-My parents MUST be divorced.
-My older brother bullied me way too much.
-I didn't play enough sports as a child.
-I played with to many dolls as a child.
-I am corrupted by Satan.
-I lack Jesus in my life.
-I'm an abomination.
-I've chosen to walk away from God.
-The media "taught" me to be gay.
-I've been hanging around other gay people and now they've got me thinking I'M gay.
-"I knew we shouldn't have let him watch Spongebob!"
And I've also been told:
-I don't have a life. I have a life-STYLE... and it's a choice.
When I heard all of these things growing up, all I kept thinking was... "You are so wrong." I will be the first one to admit, yes... I absolutely DO make a big deal out of being gay. But that's because I know there are millions out there, just like me, that grew up hearing the same things. These are things queer youth STILL hear. And it angers me, because people have no research, no evidence, no validity, no "real" proof whatsoever to make such claims.
--
A-Hor
10 years ago
|
pl
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)
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I've done my homework, people. I've studied sexuality in the Freudian and Kleinian aspects of psychology. I know about the oral, anal, and phallic "stages". I know about the id, the ego, and the superego. I understand the intra-psychic forces and direct socialization forces. I know the theories about the different parts of the brain, how they function, and when they develop. I've looked at the macro and micro levels of sociology with it's 9 major perspectives: structural, functionalist, conflict, feminist, ecological, developmental, symbolic interactionist, social exchange, and family systems. I've studied the different types of feminism, including liberal, radical, socialist, womanist, cultural, global, Marxist, and ecological. I've read the works of Kate Bornstein, Simone de Beavior, bell hooks, Nancy Chodorow, and countless others writers on women, gender, and sexuality. I've done the research on queer theory from ancient greece, learning about man-boy love, Alexander the Great, the different Amazonian, Romanian, Greek, Athenian, and several other cultures of women. I've read almost every argument/theory and study you can imagine about being gay-by-nature (fingerlength, hair whirl, an undiscovered "gay gene", studies in twins, etc) vs gay-by-nurture. I've studied the 12 systems of oppression: sexism, heterosexism, racism, cisgenderism, classism, colorism, ableism, lookism, sizeism, ageism, nativism, colonialism. I've studied two-spirits, hirjas, the transition from drag to the Vamp in India, Helen, and "beautiful boy" culture. I understand the human anatomy of males and females. I've read the 8 verses that mention homosexuality in the bible, and have researched the different definitions of "abomination" pending the time period. I've heard the stories of Stonewall, Harvey Milk, Anita Bryant, Matthew Shepard, and countless others. I've studied A.R.T. (Assisted Reproductive Technology) and the different issues you run into amongst race, class, laws, and the different types of medical, social, and cultural infertility. I've worked with experts in the field. I've done social experiments. I've counseled numerous LGBTQ children, teens, and young adults. I understand all of the arguments for civil unions, marriage, the notions that say the government shouldn't be involved with marriage at all because it demeans single people, and so on. I've learned about the process of transitioning from male to female, or female to male; the hormones, medications, and surgical routes that are taken. I've made speeches at rallies, participated in LGBTQ panels, told my stories of suicide and depression to children to help them have better lives in there coming out process. I can go on and on and on and on... and I'm sure anyone who reads my lengthy posts know this by now.
But anyone who thinks I'm just another joe-shmo on the internet blowing smoke- pick a topic. ANY. I DARE you! Cause even if there's something I haven't learned, you'll rock my world by letting me know. I want to learn EVERYTHING there is to learn about sexuality. And I've only gotten started.
--
losthere
10 years ago
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goodness me, that sure is a heck of a lot of information to take in but good on you! Thanks for your wise words dear sir :)