I am a human sexuality educator. One of the biggest things I stress to my students is the following:
There are 7 billion people in this world. I am a gay man myself, but does that mean that I will NEVER be attracted to a single woman ever? Out of 7 billion people? I mean, those odds would be astronomical wouldn't they? To say that I am just UNABLE to be attracted to any of the 3.5 BILLION women on Earth? ... of course there are women that I'm attracted to. The same way that many straight people have attractions towards people of the same sex. The issue is, we will never in our lifetimes meet 7 billion people. We only meet a few thousand. Even if we met 1 million people in our lifetime, that's not even a mere DENT in the world population. So what proof do we have to ever say that "I am ONLY attracted to (fill-in-the-blank)". We don't have any justification. That's why the labels of sexual orientation are confusing. Because when you label something, you restrict it as well. When the truth is, no matter how we are born or raised, sexuality is a person-by-person experience.
The label of sexual orientation is nothing more than a guideline.
There's 5 types of attractions. (RARES) Romantic, Affectional, Relational, Emotional, and Sexual. We tend to base our guideline of sexuality depending on how often these attractions are triggered by different sexes and genders. So if I'm more often to have 4 of the 5 attractions to more women, and only 1 or 2 attractions to men, we'd probably say I was a straight male. But again, that doesn't mean that I don't have attractions towards both sexes. And the thing is, some attractions develop from other attractions. For example, if I'm sexually attracted to someone, I don't know them emotionally from first glance. But then maybe I get to know them better, and do become attracted emotionally. I should also mention that when I say "attraction" people tend to think this is automatically sexual. If you have a best friend you want to spend the rest of your life with, you have a relational attraction to them. If you have a guy friend or gal pal that you love to hug, squeeze, or cuddle with, you have an affectional attraction to them. Again, these aren't sexual. There is a difference between comfort and arousal
We live in a society that judges us mainly on our sexual BEHAVIOR. We're quick to say, "If you're a man, and you have sex with a woman, you're obviously straight." But... what if while having sex with a woman, that man is thinking of another man? What does that make him then? ... It makes him whatever he feels most comfortable identifying as.
Sexuality is so complex, so complicated... to try and label it, in my opinion, would be asinine. Our sexuality changes throughout a lifetime- that still doesn't mean in any way shape or form, we have a CONSCIOUS choice over our attractions. It just means that they change ever-so-slightly depending on how our minds work. But every human being has fluidity with their sexuality. Some days I want to pin my boyfriend up against a wall, and just go to town. And other days I just want to cuddle, and watch a crappy movie...
My point is: Identify with whatever makes you most comfortable. I have more and more friends identifying as "queer" which basically means that your sexuality is not part of the hetero-normative. Even people that pursue heterosexual relationships use it, because they understand that there's 7 billion people out there... it could be many many different people that make us feel special. And they can be of any gender, sex, expression, orientation... of any sexuality.
I'm sorry I wrote you a novel, but I hope you read what I wrote in hopes that it helps you understand your sexuality a little bit more.
This is super interesting! And you are very wise, how do you know all this? I have a question; When you say there are 5 types of attractions (RARES) well isn't sexual also romantic or are they two different things as you stated since romantic is more to do with love while sexual is more to do with lust. Also Is is true that you can have more than one attration for a person eg : You can feel affectionally attracted and relational..does that mean it's sexual because I think you can have that without having the sexual part?
I'll tell you about four friends of mine. All women.
Christina has been my friend since middle school. She and I have been through thick and thin, and I plan to have with me through the rest of my life. I have a relational attraction to her.
My friend Francesca and I love to cuddle when we watch movies. We've slept in the same bed before and cuddled, and we give each other long comforting hugs. I have an affectional attraction to her.
My friend Caitlin is someone that I love to be spontaneous with. We've gone to a swing dance night with just the two of us. We have intimate dinners. And I bring her flowers all the time. I love to excite and surprise her. I have a romantic attraction towards her.
And finally there's my friend Shelly. We love to have deep talks. We open up about our feelings to each other- the good, the bad, and the ugly. We are so vulnerable around each other, and communicate in a deeper level than just the words on the surface. She also makes me smile whenever she is around. I have an emotional attraction to her.
Four different attractions, four different women... But I am not sexually attracted to any of them. I would am not aroused by them in that way. I don't want to have sex with them.
As a gay man, it's not to say that there aren't ANY women I could find sexually attractive, but it's not very likely I will be sexually aroused by women, nor will it happen from first glance. Sometimes we have attractions that cross over each other. Like, I could meet a guy and think he's very hot, and have a strong sexual attraction to him. But then we talk for a while and I find out... Oh, he's an asshole. Sometimes my strong distaste for his personality has turned off my sexual attraction towards him. And some times, it might not. I might think- "Who cares? I still want to get in bed with him!"
Basically what I'm saying is that all sexuality is a person by person experience. Because our values, education, genetics, biology, identity, and upbringing our different. And when you mix that with someone else's, you're going to get different reactions.
I identify as gay because I have found out of the five attractions, men are the ones they spark for the most... At least in my surroundings. Sexuality is not meant to be concrete and rigid. It is meant to be fluid, like all human beings are. So absolutely you can have more than one person on earth that you love, or that doesn't coincide with the typical definition for your sexual orientation. But even if I fall in love with a women in all five ways tomorrow, I'm still going to say that I'm gay. Because that's the identity I feel most comfortable with. I'm not going to change it to straight just because I fall for a woman, I'd feel like I was lying to myself if I did that.
That's why I say that ultimately, labels in sexuality- they're not real. We made them up for the sake of simplified understanding. Labels can help many times, but they are never 100%.
And yes. All attractions are possible at once. "I have 5 of the 5 attractions towards so-and-so, and only 2 of the 5 for this other so-and-so." They can be in any combination, and change for any person over time. Like, having a best friend that you one day fall in love with. Or having a hot romance in the past that you now have a restraining order against. Sexuality changes, but that doesn't mean it's by conscious choice.
WOW!! This is even more interesting than before.
Question: Are those females that you say you have in your life real or made up, like have you genuinely felt those attractions you stated? Where did you learn all this from? I finally understand how it all works. When you love someone deeply do you have to have all the attractions to feel that or just some of them or what? And are they all equal or are is one better/stronger than another or is it all love?
They are all real women in my life, and yes, I do feel those attractions. Love is how you define it, so you can have any number of attractions with any combinations and still be in love. Some attractions will be stronger or weaker pending the person. It's a person-by-person experience.
The first time I came out to someone was when I was 11 years old. I wasn't a popular kid to begin with, but I lost many friends because of it. And I just didn't get it. I never understood why people had such an issue with me being gay. It wasn't like I woke up some day and said, "Ya know what. I want to screw with everyone and force myself to find men attractive." That's just never how it worked for me, and as I got older and met more gay people, I realized- "Oh! That's not how it works for anyone."
If others would have just treated me equally then my life would have been a lot more peaceful. There wouldn't be thousands of children committing suicide because they are made to feel ashamed for something they don't control. And it just majorly pissed me off how everyone else thought THEY were the sexuality experts when it came to MY sexuality. When I was just starting to come out as a child, I was told:
-It's just a phase.
-I'll grow out of it.
-I shouldn't tell people I'm gay because it *is* just a phase, and when I'm older everyone will keep my reputation as a gay person, and I will keep following this belief when the phase is over.
-I'm to young to be thinking about sex.
-I don't even know what sex is.
-I don't even know what love is.
-I'm slutty.
-I'm promiscuous.
-ALL I think about is sex.
-I have an illness.
-I have a mental disorder.
-I'm a pervert.
-I'm a child molester.
-I, myself, was molested as a child.
-I was molested by a man and I now seek relationships with men to control this trauma that I couldn't control when I was a child.
-I was molested by a woman and have become so traumatized that I fear intimacy with women.
-I had an imbalance of male and female role models in my life.
-I did too many female "roles" as a child.
-I lacked a father figure and seek men to fill this void in my life.
-My mother was overprotective and I pursue her role, replicating her sexuality as a heterosexual female.
-My parents MUST be divorced.
-My older brother bullied me way too much.
-I didn't play enough sports as a child.
-I played with to many dolls as a child.
-I am corrupted by Satan.
-I lack Jesus in my life.
-I'm an abomination.
-I've chosen to walk away from God.
-The media "taught" me to be gay.
-I've been hanging around other gay people and now they've got me thinking I'M gay.
-"I knew we shouldn't have let him watch Spongebob!"
And I've also been told:
-I don't have a life. I have a life-STYLE... and it's a choice.
When I heard all of these things growing up, all I kept thinking was... "You are so wrong." I will be the first one to admit, yes... I absolutely DO make a big deal out of being gay. But that's because I know there are millions out there, just like me, that grew up hearing the same things. These are things queer youth STILL hear. And it angers me, because people have no research, no evidence, no validity, no "real" proof whatsoever to make such claims.
I've done my homework, people. I've studied sexuality in the Freudian and Kleinian aspects of psychology. I know about the oral, anal, and phallic "stages". I know about the id, the ego, and the superego. I understand the intra-psychic forces and direct socialization forces. I know the theories about the different parts of the brain, how they function, and when they develop. I've looked at the macro and micro levels of sociology with it's 9 major perspectives: structural, functionalist, conflict, feminist, ecological, developmental, symbolic interactionist, social exchange, and family systems. I've studied the different types of feminism, including liberal, radical, socialist, womanist, cultural, global, Marxist, and ecological. I've read the works of Kate Bornstein, Simone de Beavior, bell hooks, Nancy Chodorow, and countless others writers on women, gender, and sexuality. I've done the research on queer theory from ancient greece, learning about man-boy love, Alexander the Great, the different Amazonian, Romanian, Greek, Athenian, and several other cultures of women. I've read almost every argument/theory and study you can imagine about being gay-by-nature (fingerlength, hair whirl, an undiscovered "gay gene", studies in twins, etc) vs gay-by-nurture. I've studied the 12 systems of oppression: sexism, heterosexism, racism, cisgenderism, classism, colorism, ableism, lookism, sizeism, ageism, nativism, colonialism. I've studied two-spirits, hirjas, the transition from drag to the Vamp in India, Helen, and "beautiful boy" culture. I understand the human anatomy of males and females. I've read the 8 verses that mention homosexuality in the bible, and have researched the different definitions of "abomination" pending the time period. I've heard the stories of Stonewall, Harvey Milk, Anita Bryant, Matthew Shepard, and countless others. I've studied A.R.T. (Assisted Reproductive Technology) and the different issues you run into amongst race, class, laws, and the different types of medical, social, and cultural infertility. I've worked with experts in the field. I've done social experiments. I've counseled numerous LGBTQ children, teens, and young adults. I understand all of the arguments for civil unions, marriage, the notions that say the government shouldn't be involved with marriage at all because it demeans single people, and so on. I've learned about the process of transitioning from male to female, or female to male; the hormones, medications, and surgical routes that are taken. I've made speeches at rallies, participated in LGBTQ panels, told my stories of suicide and depression to children to help them have better lives in there coming out process. I can go on and on and on and on... and I'm sure anyone who reads my lengthy posts know this by now.
But anyone who thinks I'm just another joe-shmo on the internet blowing smoke- pick a topic. ANY. I DARE you! Cause even if there's something I haven't learned, you'll rock my world by letting me know. I want to learn EVERYTHING there is to learn about sexuality. And I've only gotten started.
Sexuality changing in phases still
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I am a human sexuality educator. One of the biggest things I stress to my students is the following:
There are 7 billion people in this world. I am a gay man myself, but does that mean that I will NEVER be attracted to a single woman ever? Out of 7 billion people? I mean, those odds would be astronomical wouldn't they? To say that I am just UNABLE to be attracted to any of the 3.5 BILLION women on Earth? ... of course there are women that I'm attracted to. The same way that many straight people have attractions towards people of the same sex. The issue is, we will never in our lifetimes meet 7 billion people. We only meet a few thousand. Even if we met 1 million people in our lifetime, that's not even a mere DENT in the world population. So what proof do we have to ever say that "I am ONLY attracted to (fill-in-the-blank)". We don't have any justification. That's why the labels of sexual orientation are confusing. Because when you label something, you restrict it as well. When the truth is, no matter how we are born or raised, sexuality is a person-by-person experience.
The label of sexual orientation is nothing more than a guideline.
There's 5 types of attractions. (RARES) Romantic, Affectional, Relational, Emotional, and Sexual. We tend to base our guideline of sexuality depending on how often these attractions are triggered by different sexes and genders. So if I'm more often to have 4 of the 5 attractions to more women, and only 1 or 2 attractions to men, we'd probably say I was a straight male. But again, that doesn't mean that I don't have attractions towards both sexes. And the thing is, some attractions develop from other attractions. For example, if I'm sexually attracted to someone, I don't know them emotionally from first glance. But then maybe I get to know them better, and do become attracted emotionally. I should also mention that when I say "attraction" people tend to think this is automatically sexual. If you have a best friend you want to spend the rest of your life with, you have a relational attraction to them. If you have a guy friend or gal pal that you love to hug, squeeze, or cuddle with, you have an affectional attraction to them. Again, these aren't sexual. There is a difference between comfort and arousal
We live in a society that judges us mainly on our sexual BEHAVIOR. We're quick to say, "If you're a man, and you have sex with a woman, you're obviously straight." But... what if while having sex with a woman, that man is thinking of another man? What does that make him then? ... It makes him whatever he feels most comfortable identifying as.
Sexuality is so complex, so complicated... to try and label it, in my opinion, would be asinine. Our sexuality changes throughout a lifetime- that still doesn't mean in any way shape or form, we have a CONSCIOUS choice over our attractions. It just means that they change ever-so-slightly depending on how our minds work. But every human being has fluidity with their sexuality. Some days I want to pin my boyfriend up against a wall, and just go to town. And other days I just want to cuddle, and watch a crappy movie...
My point is: Identify with whatever makes you most comfortable. I have more and more friends identifying as "queer" which basically means that your sexuality is not part of the hetero-normative. Even people that pursue heterosexual relationships use it, because they understand that there's 7 billion people out there... it could be many many different people that make us feel special. And they can be of any gender, sex, expression, orientation... of any sexuality.
I'm sorry I wrote you a novel, but I hope you read what I wrote in hopes that it helps you understand your sexuality a little bit more.
--
losthere
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This is super interesting! And you are very wise, how do you know all this? I have a question; When you say there are 5 types of attractions (RARES) well isn't sexual also romantic or are they two different things as you stated since romantic is more to do with love while sexual is more to do with lust. Also Is is true that you can have more than one attration for a person eg : You can feel affectionally attracted and relational..does that mean it's sexual because I think you can have that without having the sexual part?
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A-Hor
10 years ago
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I'll tell you about four friends of mine. All women.
Christina has been my friend since middle school. She and I have been through thick and thin, and I plan to have with me through the rest of my life. I have a relational attraction to her.
My friend Francesca and I love to cuddle when we watch movies. We've slept in the same bed before and cuddled, and we give each other long comforting hugs. I have an affectional attraction to her.
My friend Caitlin is someone that I love to be spontaneous with. We've gone to a swing dance night with just the two of us. We have intimate dinners. And I bring her flowers all the time. I love to excite and surprise her. I have a romantic attraction towards her.
And finally there's my friend Shelly. We love to have deep talks. We open up about our feelings to each other- the good, the bad, and the ugly. We are so vulnerable around each other, and communicate in a deeper level than just the words on the surface. She also makes me smile whenever she is around. I have an emotional attraction to her.
Four different attractions, four different women... But I am not sexually attracted to any of them. I would am not aroused by them in that way. I don't want to have sex with them.
As a gay man, it's not to say that there aren't ANY women I could find sexually attractive, but it's not very likely I will be sexually aroused by women, nor will it happen from first glance. Sometimes we have attractions that cross over each other. Like, I could meet a guy and think he's very hot, and have a strong sexual attraction to him. But then we talk for a while and I find out... Oh, he's an asshole. Sometimes my strong distaste for his personality has turned off my sexual attraction towards him. And some times, it might not. I might think- "Who cares? I still want to get in bed with him!"
Basically what I'm saying is that all sexuality is a person by person experience. Because our values, education, genetics, biology, identity, and upbringing our different. And when you mix that with someone else's, you're going to get different reactions.
I identify as gay because I have found out of the five attractions, men are the ones they spark for the most... At least in my surroundings. Sexuality is not meant to be concrete and rigid. It is meant to be fluid, like all human beings are. So absolutely you can have more than one person on earth that you love, or that doesn't coincide with the typical definition for your sexual orientation. But even if I fall in love with a women in all five ways tomorrow, I'm still going to say that I'm gay. Because that's the identity I feel most comfortable with. I'm not going to change it to straight just because I fall for a woman, I'd feel like I was lying to myself if I did that.
That's why I say that ultimately, labels in sexuality- they're not real. We made them up for the sake of simplified understanding. Labels can help many times, but they are never 100%.
--
A-Hor
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And yes. All attractions are possible at once. "I have 5 of the 5 attractions towards so-and-so, and only 2 of the 5 for this other so-and-so." They can be in any combination, and change for any person over time. Like, having a best friend that you one day fall in love with. Or having a hot romance in the past that you now have a restraining order against. Sexuality changes, but that doesn't mean it's by conscious choice.
--
losthere
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WOW!! This is even more interesting than before.
Question: Are those females that you say you have in your life real or made up, like have you genuinely felt those attractions you stated? Where did you learn all this from? I finally understand how it all works. When you love someone deeply do you have to have all the attractions to feel that or just some of them or what? And are they all equal or are is one better/stronger than another or is it all love?
--
A-Hor
10 years ago
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They are all real women in my life, and yes, I do feel those attractions. Love is how you define it, so you can have any number of attractions with any combinations and still be in love. Some attractions will be stronger or weaker pending the person. It's a person-by-person experience.
The first time I came out to someone was when I was 11 years old. I wasn't a popular kid to begin with, but I lost many friends because of it. And I just didn't get it. I never understood why people had such an issue with me being gay. It wasn't like I woke up some day and said, "Ya know what. I want to screw with everyone and force myself to find men attractive." That's just never how it worked for me, and as I got older and met more gay people, I realized- "Oh! That's not how it works for anyone."
If others would have just treated me equally then my life would have been a lot more peaceful. There wouldn't be thousands of children committing suicide because they are made to feel ashamed for something they don't control. And it just majorly pissed me off how everyone else thought THEY were the sexuality experts when it came to MY sexuality. When I was just starting to come out as a child, I was told:
-It's just a phase.
-I'll grow out of it.
-I shouldn't tell people I'm gay because it *is* just a phase, and when I'm older everyone will keep my reputation as a gay person, and I will keep following this belief when the phase is over.
-I'm to young to be thinking about sex.
-I don't even know what sex is.
-I don't even know what love is.
-I'm slutty.
-I'm promiscuous.
-ALL I think about is sex.
-I have an illness.
-I have a mental disorder.
-I'm a pervert.
-I'm a child molester.
-I, myself, was molested as a child.
-I was molested by a man and I now seek relationships with men to control this trauma that I couldn't control when I was a child.
-I was molested by a woman and have become so traumatized that I fear intimacy with women.
-I had an imbalance of male and female role models in my life.
-I did too many female "roles" as a child.
-I lacked a father figure and seek men to fill this void in my life.
-My mother was overprotective and I pursue her role, replicating her sexuality as a heterosexual female.
-My parents MUST be divorced.
-My older brother bullied me way too much.
-I didn't play enough sports as a child.
-I played with to many dolls as a child.
-I am corrupted by Satan.
-I lack Jesus in my life.
-I'm an abomination.
-I've chosen to walk away from God.
-The media "taught" me to be gay.
-I've been hanging around other gay people and now they've got me thinking I'M gay.
-"I knew we shouldn't have let him watch Spongebob!"
And I've also been told:
-I don't have a life. I have a life-STYLE... and it's a choice.
When I heard all of these things growing up, all I kept thinking was... "You are so wrong." I will be the first one to admit, yes... I absolutely DO make a big deal out of being gay. But that's because I know there are millions out there, just like me, that grew up hearing the same things. These are things queer youth STILL hear. And it angers me, because people have no research, no evidence, no validity, no "real" proof whatsoever to make such claims.
--
A-Hor
10 years ago
|
pl
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I've done my homework, people. I've studied sexuality in the Freudian and Kleinian aspects of psychology. I know about the oral, anal, and phallic "stages". I know about the id, the ego, and the superego. I understand the intra-psychic forces and direct socialization forces. I know the theories about the different parts of the brain, how they function, and when they develop. I've looked at the macro and micro levels of sociology with it's 9 major perspectives: structural, functionalist, conflict, feminist, ecological, developmental, symbolic interactionist, social exchange, and family systems. I've studied the different types of feminism, including liberal, radical, socialist, womanist, cultural, global, Marxist, and ecological. I've read the works of Kate Bornstein, Simone de Beavior, bell hooks, Nancy Chodorow, and countless others writers on women, gender, and sexuality. I've done the research on queer theory from ancient greece, learning about man-boy love, Alexander the Great, the different Amazonian, Romanian, Greek, Athenian, and several other cultures of women. I've read almost every argument/theory and study you can imagine about being gay-by-nature (fingerlength, hair whirl, an undiscovered "gay gene", studies in twins, etc) vs gay-by-nurture. I've studied the 12 systems of oppression: sexism, heterosexism, racism, cisgenderism, classism, colorism, ableism, lookism, sizeism, ageism, nativism, colonialism. I've studied two-spirits, hirjas, the transition from drag to the Vamp in India, Helen, and "beautiful boy" culture. I understand the human anatomy of males and females. I've read the 8 verses that mention homosexuality in the bible, and have researched the different definitions of "abomination" pending the time period. I've heard the stories of Stonewall, Harvey Milk, Anita Bryant, Matthew Shepard, and countless others. I've studied A.R.T. (Assisted Reproductive Technology) and the different issues you run into amongst race, class, laws, and the different types of medical, social, and cultural infertility. I've worked with experts in the field. I've done social experiments. I've counseled numerous LGBTQ children, teens, and young adults. I understand all of the arguments for civil unions, marriage, the notions that say the government shouldn't be involved with marriage at all because it demeans single people, and so on. I've learned about the process of transitioning from male to female, or female to male; the hormones, medications, and surgical routes that are taken. I've made speeches at rallies, participated in LGBTQ panels, told my stories of suicide and depression to children to help them have better lives in there coming out process. I can go on and on and on and on... and I'm sure anyone who reads my lengthy posts know this by now.
But anyone who thinks I'm just another joe-shmo on the internet blowing smoke- pick a topic. ANY. I DARE you! Cause even if there's something I haven't learned, you'll rock my world by letting me know. I want to learn EVERYTHING there is to learn about sexuality. And I've only gotten started.