Risk in adventure/safety in serenity

34 Comments

The following is an unanswerable question that everyone has had to answer. It's about choice. It's about choosing between two paths that are both too foggy to see ahead into; it's about wandering blind into a situation that is tumultuous by nature. It's something that feels incredibly profound in the moment and relatively petty in retrospect. It's about risk and safety. It's about the human condition. It's about love.

For me, it's about blank face called X. A budding, all-too-familiar something between us which has sprouted to a height disproportionate to its age. I've known X for three months - silly, I know. But at this point I can't stop thinking about X. All the usual fog applies - the degree to which their feelings are romantic is entirely unknown to me.

For the past year, it has been my intent to eschew external validation and focus on being comfortable enough in my own independence that I wouldn't need to legitimize my own existence through other people. Is the fact that I've grown so infatuated with someone proof that I'm not ready yet, or proof that I'm finished working towards this goal? This dichotomy is the heart of the problem.

- I could do nothing, and test my own resolve in my newfound self-reliance and keep following the path of independence for the time being, or...
- I could do something, and test the extent to which the X's response affects my self-esteem, and see if I've learned anything in the past year.

Does one stay safe in serenity and wait contentedly in a still pond? Or find risk in adventure and barrel aimlessly down the waterfall? Just remember that this isn't multiple choice. I'm not here to ask anyone to solve my problems. I don't want bumper sticker truisms. I've heard it all before, and like I said, it's unanswerable. I'm just here to discuss.

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  • i330
    11 years ago | pl

    Here's what I think. Infatuations are a dime a dozen. But every so often a person comes along and you have only one chance to be with them and learn from them. There are some people out there that can completely change your life, and I wouldn't want you to miss out on that. But for the most part, sure you can learn from anyone but those lessons are available to be learned from other sources and if you miss out on one opportunity, surely you'll have another chance. So I think that you have to figure out exactly what makes this X person so special and decide if you think they might be one of those life-changing people.
    It's also been my experience that life-changers aren't the people that you are infatuated with, and most of the time you can't identify their potential until you've had several long in-depth conversations with them. And sometime you don't realize the power of their wisdom until you've parted and you do some reflecting. But they tend not to be the people that you are just extremely physically attracted to - although they can be.
    For the record, I think I understand where you are coming from. I practice non-attachment, independence and self-sufficiency myself, and I think I know what you are trying to achieve. I think it's good for you. I personally take great pride in the fact that I don't need anyone but myself. But realize that you have your whole life to develop those skills, whereas you don't necessarily have your whole life to try things out with X. I think a good test is observe how you feel about other people and see if you ONLY care about X, or if you care about X but you also think about Y & Z sometimes.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago | pl

      That's a good thought about the fleeting nature of love (let's just call it that for the time being). It's true that I have the rest of my life to work on self-reliance, and dependence could probably teach me about independence. I'm still young. Though I'm glad you agree that learning to be comfortable with yourself is a good thing.

      But regarding your last statement - to me, attraction isn't an arrow, it's a wave, and while it may hit some people more than others, you can't always expect it to have a single central target. Though X is certainly the one who keeps me up at night, if that's what you mean.

      We've had fantastic conversations ranging from philosophy to art to emotion to life and death as well as simpler things. I'll admit that it began as a crush, and though I'm constantly wary of relationships that are born in infatuation, I do think I feel something beyond that. I'm positive that X does too; it's impossible for either of our faces to not light up when we see each other, and we have joyful, brilliant conversations. I just don't know whether they share my romantic feelings.

      I feel as though I've become comfortable enough with myself that it doesn't matter whether or not they do. But we hold "hindsight" and "regret" as these great, imminent looming things that scare us into acting without thinking. Western culture seems to hold this romantic ideal of "stupid love" in high regard... but I'm not sure that I agree with it. I guess that's what this story really boils down to. Maybe I should have just posted that instead.

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      • i330
        11 years ago | pl

        You're completely right in your comment about attaction, and I realize the problem of what I said. I'm sorry about that. Of course you will feel attraction to other people, that's just the way people work. I guess what I meant was more that you should consider if you also have feelings approaching infatuation with Y & Z.
        Another thing to consider is that periodically you have to test your progress by examining how you fare with other people. I think that in light of what you said about X, he might be a good person to enter into a relationship with to see how you are doing. But you probably need to have a conversation early on about your personal project of loving yourself and not needing anyone else so that he can respect your space and allow you to continue to work towards your goals.
        By the way, is X even a 'he'? I'm sorry if I got that wrong; it really doesn't matter what this person's gender is but it hurts my soul to use the pronoun 'they' for a single person. That's not grammatically correct.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          11 years ago | pl

          For the record, X is female. Getting involved with her will definitely challenge the degree to which I've become emotionally self-sufficient, whether I'm dealing with reciprocation or rejection. I just don't want anyone else to be in command of my emotions. I've already talked to her about this kind of thing, just not in the context of our relationship or even romance in general, and in fact if there's one thing we've avoided discussing in depth, it's our own relationship. Everything is pretty ambiguous. But I think I may ask her out to coffee this weekend.

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  • Dozis
    11 years ago | pl

    There are situations in which the risk is avoidable and other ones in which it ain't. In the first case People tend to like it for the simple fact that there is no feeling of inevitability to the whole thing. In the second case people tend to get either murderous or suicidal or one thing after the other. Either way you need to be a fool to actually think that putting yourself and other people in just the right circumstances for you to have to take risks and cause a general situation of impending doom for all the other people around you just because you get a kick out of it. Period.

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago | pl

    :) I enjoyed reading this poll.

    If that is how you feel about X, how could you NOT say something?
    There's a lot of passion in your words. The feeling is likely to be mutual.

    The thing that holds me back, in those types of situations, is not necessarily a fear of rejection, but the consequences of getting exactly what I want.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago | pl

      Thanks. I do feel pretty strongly about it.

      Why does the idea of reciprocation hold you back?

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      • [Old Memory]
        11 years ago | pl

        A fear of hurting people. And something about 'the devil you do know is sometimes better than the angel you don't'. You know, stuff like that.

        Actually, I was discussing this with a friend of mine tonight. She argued that the pain of change & adventure is worth it. When I asked her why, she said that she couldn't imagine spending years of her life being unhappy just because it is safer.

        I'm not sure I want to get into the nitty-grity details on IIN; there are some things that are still too private for me to share here. I fear turmoil and even rejection, which makes me cautious. Adventure would be great if it came with a guarantee of success.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          11 years ago | pl

          But adventure is not adventure if success is guaranteed! What fun is a game that's impossible to lose? I don't think that we should think of these things in terms of a duality of adventure vs. safety (although I know I phrased it like that myself), I just think we should be safe enough that we're free to adventure. In terms of relationships, I think we need to learn to be emotionally self-reliant enough that even "losing" won't destroy us. It's a dangerous thing for your self-worth and identity to be completely dependent on another person.

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago | pl

    run along and hold hands

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  • lease
    11 years ago | pl

    I believe the "unknown" with X fosters a higher writing level than will "knowing" him.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago | pl

      Pardon?

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      • lease
        11 years ago | pl

        The unknown (butterflies, uncertainty, apprehension, arousal and intrigue wondering about this person, X)

        ...apparently fosters (creates/enables) a high writing level (that means I think you write well)

        Than will knowing him (find that he's not that interesting, or that he's rude, stinky, whatever).

        The dream is usually better than reality? Geeze, nevermind.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          11 years ago | pl

          Haha! That's what I figured, but I wasn't sure. I guess that implies that there is something unambiguous and candid about reality.

          Though I do find it interesting that you've assumed the use of a pronoun.

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          • lease
            11 years ago | pl

            It's a noun in my situation...

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              11 years ago | pl

              But you said "him" and "he".

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  • bananaface
    11 years ago | pl

    Go for it:)

    Also, needing other humans doesn't make you weak, it just makes you human.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago | pl

      I should clarify - by no means do I intend to go without human bonding for the rest of my life. What I meant was that I'm currently going through a period where I'm trying to learn how to love myself without being dependent on others to do that for me. Trust me, it's not an unhealthy rejection of all attachment, and in fact it's something that I've needed for a while. It's made me a much more well-rounded person so far.

      And again, I didn't really mean for this to be counsel time for my petty problems. I just wanted to know what people thought about these things beyond pithy abstractions, and what their experiences have been.

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      • bananaface
        11 years ago | pl

        I think you should go for it, I don't see why you wouldn't. If you think you are capable of being independent, then you don't need to test yourself any more. Just do what you want.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          11 years ago | pl

          But what are your experiences with this?

          I honestly don't mean to patronize, but there isn't much by way of thumbnail wisdom that'll suddenly help me realize what I should do. I've heard all that before. But what would be novel to me is your personal experience with the matter, because I obviously haven't heard that. What have you done in the past?

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          • bananaface
            11 years ago | pl

            I went for "X" and they liked me too:) Only lasted 2 months though.

            I've had friends who've went for "X" and one of them got rejected. She got over it though.

            That doesn't help much, but it's I can't tell you what to do because I don't know how "X" would react.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              11 years ago | pl

              But what I keep saying is that I'm NOT looking for anyone to tell me what to do. Most people just say something like "life's too short!" as if I hadn't heard that before or something. I'm not looking for you to give me some short little motto that'll suddenly give me an epiphany. Because that doesn't exist.

              All I want is to hear what people's experiences have been, and whether they'd care to venture deeper than some quick expression that doesn't actually mean anything. So, for example, is there anything you've learned from either of those situations you mentioned?

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    • dom180
      11 years ago | pl

      100% agreed. Do it or you'll regret it. Seeking solitude when you want to be with someone is spiting yourself to test yourself, which is pointless if part of you wants to fail the test.

      I believe everyone needs external validation to some degree, and doing so does NOT make you weak. It not only makes you human, it makes you HAPPY.

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  • SoccerStud88
    11 years ago | pl

    wtf are you talking about. practice typing more to the point instead of this useless dribble.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago | pl

      Fuck bluntness.

      :D

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      • [Old Memory]
        11 years ago | pl

        Cheers to that!

        I just revisited this post. I`m still thinking about it. I must have missed this part the first time.

        Good one. **thumb's up** :D

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      • SoccerStud88
        11 years ago | pl

        we are definitely not going to get along here

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  • pambambam
    11 years ago | pl

    I got lost/ bored.

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