Many women are highly conflicted about sex. They grow up getting all sorts of messages - subtle and blatant - about how "good girls" don't have sex and "save" themselves for Mr Perfect who can give them a happy-ever-after. But the fact is that women are just as much sexual beings as men, and the vast majority of people are wired to want sex.
It seems to me that whether or not you should feel guilty depends on what happened in the run-up to you two having sex. If she basically took the lead and pushed things in the direction of sex all the way, then you have nothing to feel bad about. If you took advantage of what she'd said earlier, set up the situation and nudged things along, then maybe you should feel at least a teensy bit ashamed. But you say she gave clear consent when the crunch moment came, so I don't think you should feel a huge amount of guilt.
How she reacted afterwards is consistent with her earlier text. What she said then suggests that she's an emotionally immature person who has problems accepting responsibility for her own actions, and she tends to blame others for the things she does. In this case, I suspect she feels guilty about having sex for whatever reasons, and rather than owning that and dealing with it, she's deflected all the blame for her feelings on to you. If she truly didn't want to have sex with you and if she understood herself well enough to know that things just might go that way sooner or later, she should have decided not to spend time with you in situations where it could happen.
KholatKult says this situation is like a friend telling you not to let them drink too much when you go out. People who have problems dealing with drink or drugs are responsible for their own actions, and it's illogical and immature to blame others if they succumb to temptation. If an alcoholic is going through a difficult phase in his life and he agrees to go to a bar with some hard-drinking friends, it's not their fault if he starts drinking; he's set himself up for the fall and he needs to take responsibility for that decision.
This woman doesn't seem to understand what she really wants and needs. She may figure that out at some point, but for now, I think you're better off without her in your life.
You’re right that what is going on is involved with shame, emotional immaturity, insecurity, even weakness if you want to say that. In that sense, whatever happens is their fault. That doesn’t mean you should let them take the hit though.
But those are the reasons why OP here could have taken on the role of being the stable one. Instead he profited off of another persons troubling experience. That’s where the issue lies.
To bash her for her inability is completely normal and sane, but if we want to approach this with kindness and sympathy he should’ve known better to accommodate for her weakness.
Some people need “special conditions” when interacting with them, and while it’s your right to say fuck that and leave them alone, I don’t think it’s fair to take advantage of it.
It would’ve been the kind thing to do to follow out her “special condition” request, and I don’t think kindness is too much to ask for.
I mean props to you, for at least being intellectually consistent. If It happened again I would definitely consider it more but I feel like in the heat of the moment I'd probably do the same thing again. It is controversial and I 100% understand why someone would disagree so it's not like I think your a complete moron for disagreeing with me on this. It's a quite gray area.
I'm not what anyone needs in a man. That's how casual sex works chief. And also that's why I'm single at the moment lol.
Did you just try to insult my Brain™ and then follow it up by saying you don’t know how to use your head in emotional situations
Bro I dunno what to tell you then, I’ve never had a girl ghost me or not want to bang me again. I’m trying to put myself in your shoes but I don’t know how to feel unwanted 🥴
Well most of the girls I have sex with, have sex with lots of people. People who have lots of sex with multiple partners have less affect for each individual partner. If I'm one of 4 different guys she sees for sex then yeah I won't feel super "wanted" in an emotional way.
I just wish you wouldn't act like it's so black and white. It's a false dichotomy to say you either found the love of your life and your all set or your a promiscuous whore who has lots of partners but a bad sex life. Its possible to be "wanted" but still unhappy about your sex life and it's possible to not be "wanted" by anybody and still have a great sex life. The latter of those describes me the last 3 years.
Many men are highly conflicted about sex as well. Your literally talking to one! Saying a statement about women doesn't automatically mean it doesn't apply to men at all.
I can only speak from my perspective as a female. It is blatantly obvious you are conflicted about sex. You seek out emotionally unstable women and give no thought to them other than if you can fuck them. It shows massive low self esteem on your part.
You need to realize you are playing a dangerous game. One of these girls is going to go full on mental on you at some point. Hopefully she doesn't cry rape on your ass or worse, chop your dick off. You are without a doubt playing russian roulette with your future though.
When I think of you I picture a Dateline date rape episode on college campuses.
Disagree. Very strongly. Liking to have a lot of sex does not equal low self esteem. Not remotely. If I had low self esteem I wouldn't have the confidence to date anybody.
Yes its risky she could call rape. No, I don't think the risk makes it not worth it. But in every situation I have been in, the law is one my side. There is never I time I did anything illegal that I could get into legal trouble for. Zero.
You are a woman. Women get casual sex easier than guys. If your sex drive was the same as it is now, except it was as hard for you to get laid as it is for me to get laid, you would do the same types of things to get it that I do.
So agree mate. You perfectly describe her to. Emotionally unstable as fuck.
When I told her I wouldn't make the promise, I basically said she needed to learn how to trust her judgement in the moment more and not be so easily swayed by her emotions.
I did take some initiative the first night we fucked but certainly not all of it. We took eachothers clothes off and were basically naked cuddling and then she asked me what I wanted to do and that's what I said. She enthusiastically said yes.
Reverse consent iin? Did I do wrong to fuck her?
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Many women are highly conflicted about sex. They grow up getting all sorts of messages - subtle and blatant - about how "good girls" don't have sex and "save" themselves for Mr Perfect who can give them a happy-ever-after. But the fact is that women are just as much sexual beings as men, and the vast majority of people are wired to want sex.
It seems to me that whether or not you should feel guilty depends on what happened in the run-up to you two having sex. If she basically took the lead and pushed things in the direction of sex all the way, then you have nothing to feel bad about. If you took advantage of what she'd said earlier, set up the situation and nudged things along, then maybe you should feel at least a teensy bit ashamed. But you say she gave clear consent when the crunch moment came, so I don't think you should feel a huge amount of guilt.
How she reacted afterwards is consistent with her earlier text. What she said then suggests that she's an emotionally immature person who has problems accepting responsibility for her own actions, and she tends to blame others for the things she does. In this case, I suspect she feels guilty about having sex for whatever reasons, and rather than owning that and dealing with it, she's deflected all the blame for her feelings on to you. If she truly didn't want to have sex with you and if she understood herself well enough to know that things just might go that way sooner or later, she should have decided not to spend time with you in situations where it could happen.
KholatKult says this situation is like a friend telling you not to let them drink too much when you go out. People who have problems dealing with drink or drugs are responsible for their own actions, and it's illogical and immature to blame others if they succumb to temptation. If an alcoholic is going through a difficult phase in his life and he agrees to go to a bar with some hard-drinking friends, it's not their fault if he starts drinking; he's set himself up for the fall and he needs to take responsibility for that decision.
This woman doesn't seem to understand what she really wants and needs. She may figure that out at some point, but for now, I think you're better off without her in your life.
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KholatKhult
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d0esnormalmatter
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No you’re right in what you’re saying.
You’re right that what is going on is involved with shame, emotional immaturity, insecurity, even weakness if you want to say that. In that sense, whatever happens is their fault. That doesn’t mean you should let them take the hit though.
But those are the reasons why OP here could have taken on the role of being the stable one. Instead he profited off of another persons troubling experience. That’s where the issue lies.
To bash her for her inability is completely normal and sane, but if we want to approach this with kindness and sympathy he should’ve known better to accommodate for her weakness.
Some people need “special conditions” when interacting with them, and while it’s your right to say fuck that and leave them alone, I don’t think it’s fair to take advantage of it.
It would’ve been the kind thing to do to follow out her “special condition” request, and I don’t think kindness is too much to ask for.
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d0esnormalmatter
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Am I wrong for saying no when the cashier asks if I want to round up the tab and donate to XYZ charity?
Not being nice when you could have been, is a lot different than doing something wrong. I agree I would have been more nice if I honered her request.
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KholatKhult
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Well I mean I’d consider knowingly choosing /not to be kind/ to be the wrong choice lol it depends how much stock you put into manners and morals.
Like how you don’t drink around friends who are getting over their alcoholism.
It’s courtesy.
Sure you won’t go to jail, but it says something about your character. You definitely are not what she needs in a man.
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d0esnormalmatter
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I mean props to you, for at least being intellectually consistent. If It happened again I would definitely consider it more but I feel like in the heat of the moment I'd probably do the same thing again. It is controversial and I 100% understand why someone would disagree so it's not like I think your a complete moron for disagreeing with me on this. It's a quite gray area.
I'm not what anyone needs in a man. That's how casual sex works chief. And also that's why I'm single at the moment lol.
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KholatKhult
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Did you just try to insult my Brain™ and then follow it up by saying you don’t know how to use your head in emotional situations
Bro I dunno what to tell you then, I’ve never had a girl ghost me or not want to bang me again. I’m trying to put myself in your shoes but I don’t know how to feel unwanted 🥴
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d0esnormalmatter
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Well most of the girls I have sex with, have sex with lots of people. People who have lots of sex with multiple partners have less affect for each individual partner. If I'm one of 4 different guys she sees for sex then yeah I won't feel super "wanted" in an emotional way.
I just wish you wouldn't act like it's so black and white. It's a false dichotomy to say you either found the love of your life and your all set or your a promiscuous whore who has lots of partners but a bad sex life. Its possible to be "wanted" but still unhappy about your sex life and it's possible to not be "wanted" by anybody and still have a great sex life. The latter of those describes me the last 3 years.
"Many women are highly conflicted about sex."
No we aren't. God you are a misogynistic pig. Your verbosity might hide it from everyone else but I see right through you.
We aren't conflicted about sex you neanderthal. We know exactly what we want.
The only thing I agree on is she did the act and has to live with the consequences.
It scares me to know you have a daughter.
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d0esnormalmatter
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Many men are highly conflicted about sex as well. Your literally talking to one! Saying a statement about women doesn't automatically mean it doesn't apply to men at all.
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Nikclaire
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I can only speak from my perspective as a female. It is blatantly obvious you are conflicted about sex. You seek out emotionally unstable women and give no thought to them other than if you can fuck them. It shows massive low self esteem on your part.
You need to realize you are playing a dangerous game. One of these girls is going to go full on mental on you at some point. Hopefully she doesn't cry rape on your ass or worse, chop your dick off. You are without a doubt playing russian roulette with your future though.
When I think of you I picture a Dateline date rape episode on college campuses.
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d0esnormalmatter
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Disagree. Very strongly. Liking to have a lot of sex does not equal low self esteem. Not remotely. If I had low self esteem I wouldn't have the confidence to date anybody.
Yes its risky she could call rape. No, I don't think the risk makes it not worth it. But in every situation I have been in, the law is one my side. There is never I time I did anything illegal that I could get into legal trouble for. Zero.
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Nikclaire
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I have tons of sex too (not lately but hey). It's not the sex that identifies the low self esteem. It's how you go about it.
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DIO
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d0esnormalmatter
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For once, you're saying something smart.
You are a woman. Women get casual sex easier than guys. If your sex drive was the same as it is now, except it was as hard for you to get laid as it is for me to get laid, you would do the same types of things to get it that I do.
So agree mate. You perfectly describe her to. Emotionally unstable as fuck.
When I told her I wouldn't make the promise, I basically said she needed to learn how to trust her judgement in the moment more and not be so easily swayed by her emotions.
I did take some initiative the first night we fucked but certainly not all of it. We took eachothers clothes off and were basically naked cuddling and then she asked me what I wanted to do and that's what I said. She enthusiastically said yes.