Relationship with my 12 year daughter

... with an apology.

I'm the father of a girl the same age as your daughter.

I firmly believe that a person owes nothing to a parent whose only involvement in their life was contributing half of their genetic make-up.

The way you call yourself a 'deadbeat dad' implies that you knew from the start that the girl was your daughter, but you chose to do nothing about it. If you've become sufficiently emotionally mature to regret behaving like that, that's good. If you're very curious about the person she is, that's understandable. If you feel an urge to try to make her life better, that's also positive.

But you have no right to expect anything from her.

She has a family, and have no right to intrude in her life just because you want to. There's also the fact that her age probably means she's probably moving into the phase of life when everything becomes particularly weird and confusing. Tweens and teens need stability and certainty in their lives, and the sudden appearance of a stranger who believes he has some claim on her time and affection is more likely to be disruptive and confusing than helpful.

Like others who have replied, I think what the girl knows is very important. If she believes her mother's husband is her father and they have a good relationship, you suddenly popping up is going to screw with her head, and mess up her relationship with her mother and the man she believes is her father. If she knows her mother's spouse is not her father, that would reduce the impact of your appearance, but it's still likely to cause some upheaval in the family, not least because of the unpredictability of how the guy who has (presumably) been financially supporting her will react.

Most people who don't know one or both of their parents eventually become curious enough about them that they want to get to know them or at least meet, but most kids in that position have very complicated feelings about their absent parent(s). It's not realistic to expect a twelve-year-old to have the emotional maturity to have all that sorted out and to really understand what she feels and why.

As WeirdGuy mentions, it's unfortunately pretty common for mothers to demonise absent fathers. If that's true in your case, your daughter will probably find it difficult to get past the ideas her mother has put in her head. Eventually, kids learn that their parents are fallible human beings rather than an authoritative source of indisputable facts, but until your daughter grows up enough to realise that, she's going to believe whatever your mother has said about you.

I suggest you take this very slow. If you're now in a position where you can make a _meaningful_ financial contribution towards your daughter's upkeep, get in touch with her mother and offer this. Ask for nothing in return, and prove that you've grown to be a reliable person by never missing a single payment. If you're only willing to give up a few bucks now and then, and the amount depends on how often you decide to hit the bars and hookers with your bros, then don't bother. That would only prove that you're still an irresponsible man-child. If you're willing to make a contribution towards your daughter's support that actually has some impact on your lifestyle, that would say something positive about you.

Leave it to the mother and daughter to decide what happens then. As I've said, it's likely that your daughter will eventually want to get to know you, but how and when that happens should be entirely up to her.

I’m dealing with my kids “nonexistent father” now too. After 7 years, this fucker wants to be apart of my 9 year olds life.

So essentially, my take is that my son would want, if I asked, for his dad to be in his life. Cool. But I can’t trust the fucker to be an actual parent. I just can’t.

I asked him a month ago to text me every time he, hypothetically, has time for my son and practical ideas of what they would do. I planned on that lasting about 2 months to see if that’s something that he can even keep up with or find some kind of consistency.

Also, it’s about 50/50, some people tell me how kind I am for this. Some people tell me I should tell him to fuck off and get a lawyer. Either way, you’re a fuck up who doesn’t deserve mercy. You MAY get some. You may not. You need to actually be ready to be an active parent. Bc if you fuck up with a 12 year old.... she won’t forgive you till you’re on your deathbed.

If you're wanting to do things for her, then please think about what is best for her, rather than what might curry favour or what might make you look good. This isn't about you at all. It's about her.

You’re going to need to apologize a lot and you’re going to have to get over the fact that at first she is probably not going to like you and that it will take a very long time for her to forgive you, if she does at all. You will probably need to spoil her a little as well. You have to remember that she is not going to be the nicest at first because you broke heart, whether you meant to or not.

The best you can hope for at this point is watch her from a distance in your car as she leaves school.

Well first, does she know your her father? And does the mother and her partner want you to be apart of her life? Like you can’t barge in and say I’m your daddy if they aren’t ok with it or the girl doesn’t know. You have to talk to the people who raised her first. Even if you both don’t agree on stuff at least compromise.

And if you do become a part of her life if I were you talk to the mom and ask what she thinks is best when revealing who you are to the girl. She has been with your daughter since birth so she would know what will be a good approach for such a sensitive situation.

And if the girl happens to know who you are, then when you talk to her apologize for not being there and tell her you want to be there for her now and for the future and you would like to know get to know her. And actually keep your word! Don’t say make a bunch of promises then not keep them. That’ll just hurt her. Then take her out to places and get to know her, bring the mom so it’s not that awkward and she’s more comfortable because at the end of the day you weren’t there in her life as her father but now that you are present you are still a stranger. A stranger that has the title of father but isn’t considered one by her yet.

Good luck dude and don’t fuck it up!

I'd send a letter to your daughter apologizing and explaining as best you can; and then ask her if she would like to meet you and if she would like you to be part of her life.

Its really her decision at this point.

If she does want you as part of your life... she sets the base rules; and be very nice, kind, and careful to not interfere with her existing life.

If you are successful; then perhaps by the time she is a teenager she will trust you enough for more involvement in her main formative years as she transitions from a child into an adult.

I wish you the best with this,

Basically I think the best way is to let her do literally whatever she wants when she stays with you. She'll want to be there vs home with her mom.

Try being a good father