Pure hatred, crippling sadness and dying hope
Sometimes I feel so angry and I hate everyone... Usually it's because someone is being excessively idiotic, selfish, egotistic or misunderstanding, and it just makes me feel like I want to hurt them for their idiocy and ignorance. Sometimes I feel that because I feel that way towards those people, I am acting just like them-therefore I often find myself catapulted into long hours of deep thought or in the throes of a roiling tantrum, screaming in rage and trying to hurt myself and destroy things around me or extreme depression because of our own logic. I am confused about why I act in such a way and other people simply shrug it off-I'm convinced I've got a brain disorder. I hate myself, and that must be the truest thing I had ever said. Sometimes I end up collapsed onto the floor, tears streaming down my face, feeling no emotion whatsoever, with an ever-present empty ache in my chest. I often have to resist the temptation of self-mutilation to vent my destructive emotions, and sometimes I am unable to resist. I beleive the rage and sadness are slowly wearing me away, and I will some day lash out and finally try to kill someone or myself. My adoptive father is an ex-alchoholic and drug addict and has anger issues, often ranting and screaming at me and my adoptive mother who works hard and tries to keep her and her children sane. I know she wants a divorce, but she and I both know she does not have enough money to buy or rent a house or apartment of her own. I have never met my biological parents, and I'm not sure if I want to, because they must have given me up for some reason, right? I often have the powerful urge to kill myself. I already go to therapy for my anger and sadness, but my counsellor never seems to understand, and sometimes I feel like I can't open up to her because she wouldn't understand my strange logic. I'm not even sure that my own thoughts make sense anymore. Every day my hatred towards mankind grows, and I feel like killing myself to get it all over with, but I know the grief it will cause to my family and friends, and because, of course, I do not know what will happen after I die. I also often ponder deep, strange thoughts-sometimes I feel as if I am the only person in this world, and everyone else is simply a mirage, parts of my thoughts that have become mutilated into my worst peeves, and I am living in my own personal Hell for something I did in a past life, or that the fact that we have a brain limits us to focusing on certain topics-can souls think on their own, or are they overpowered by their body's own brain, forced to think a certain way and trapped within the limits of your brain? Everyone seems so different compared to me. I sometimes believe that happiness is a disease, that the happier you are the more self confidence someone has, and that just makes you believe that you are right; so ultimately, happiness makes you stupid and ignorant-but sometimes I think that is nonsense. Am I going completely insane? Or, is