Sounds like you need psychotherapy, which allows you to talk about your past and sort out your feelings on all your experiences.
My advice, if you get an allowance or manage to get a part-time job, find a therapist you're comfortable with and just unload everything. You'll get professional advice and learn to understand yourself in a safe environment.
As for your marriage, do what's best for you and your child, whatever that may be.
not sure, what i should do
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Sounds like you need psychotherapy, which allows you to talk about your past and sort out your feelings on all your experiences.
My advice, if you get an allowance or manage to get a part-time job, find a therapist you're comfortable with and just unload everything. You'll get professional advice and learn to understand yourself in a safe environment.
As for your marriage, do what's best for you and your child, whatever that may be.