Not a virgin, but no legitimate 'first time'
Well I should say I don't know what to conclude as my first time. I was raped when I was 4, had other strange encounters in childhood, molested from 10-12 and made to have sex with my cousin by said child molester. Regarding the cousin, although I was sick to my stomach and very scared during the situations, I did get off sometimes. My first willing, normal time was when I was 15, just 3 years later. But by that point, there was no awkward virgin story to tell. I wasn't clingy and already knew what I was doing. I'm really confused as to how I should look at myself. The only feeling I know and own is that I'm complete garbage to be used and thrown away. So where in my story did I lose my virginity? By science and religion, it was taken from me when I was 4. If you try to stretch it to first orgasm, I was 12 and I didn't want that either. I want to believe I was 15 and it was my choice, but my logic argues against it. I want very badly to believe I had a normal virgin experience. Please be honest with me.