No force whatsoever. I think towards the end of the relationship she was uncomfortable and no longer wanted to be together but felt awkward about addressing the fact. This is why I think it would be right to prosecute it as statutory rape. She was too young to know precisely what she wanted and I think the age difference created a power imbalance, even if neither of us wanted to accept the fact at the time. Generally, things were fun and enthusiastic and very mutual, with the exception of the last few days of being together, in which she was very hot / cold (understandably, because I know in retrospect that she was no longer sure if she wanted to stay together). In those last few days there was one incident in which I feel she acquiesced, rather than truly enthusiastically consented. We were in bed together in our underwear and she told me that just wanted to be held, putting my arms around her, and I slowly escalated things to touching her. I think she probably felt badgered / pressured, but decided not to say anything further as she either didn't want to disappoint me, or simply didn't feel comfortable giving a clear 'no'. On the couple of occasions together when she said 'stop' / 'no' (i.e. she felt things were moving too fast or just was no longer in the mood) I immediately did so. My understanding is that Californian law now says that you always need clear verbal consent before you do anything sexual and I feel that in that one incident above she 'went along with things' rather than being truly enthusiastic, so under revised Californian law, that would possibly meet the criteria for assault, but not under Texan law then or now. Indeed, she's certainly never said that she felt like I assaulted or raped her, but simply that she was uncomfortable by the end of the relationship because she suddenly felt weird about the age difference but didn't know how to address breaking up.
So, in answer to your question, legally consensual *but for the age* which is probably why she has no interest in prosecuting. I still feel strongly it wasn't right, however, and that the age difference was a bad idea. Her parents knew about the relationship (as did my parents) and didn't seem to mind, which seems weird in retrospect, but the fact that I genuinely liked / cared about their daughter was probably clear. Plus, her one previous partner had been even older than me (in their mid-20s) so maybe I just seemed young in comparison.
The relationship began when she was 16 and in person sexual stuff started about a week-and-a-half before she turned 17. I'm bringing the matter up because it's been plaguing me every day for the last 4 years and, frankly, it's no way to live. I feel more remorseful about having had sex with someone underage than I can really express. Sadly, I'm fairly sure she would be legally obliged to testify... as said, I'm the one who would be turning myself in, but it's the state that would bring charges.
In fact, I offered, over email, to turn myself into the police about 2 years back and her reply was:
"It's nice of you to offer, but you're taking this way, way, waaaaaay too seriously. It's certainly not like you molested a child, and you are making it sound a lot closer to something like that. I'm not even really sure what legal action there would be to take. Don't spend your time dwelling on this or feeling like you owe me anything. Move forward, redirect the negative energy from worrying about this, turn it into positive energy and put it towards something productive. There's nothing left to feel bad about, time has taken care of everything."
So... basically, she doesn't feel like a victim, or that she was raped / assaulted, but legally she absolutely was because she was underage. I hate the idea of having committed statutory rape and have gotten away scot free, which is why my thoughts have turned to suicide.
Anyway, hope this massive text dump clarifies the situation.
Well she doesn't care about it, you did not care at the time and its 6 years later. Unless someone is pressing charges I think it would be better to just forget about it. So you dated her at 17 and how old were you at the time? So your like 29 now?
Okay well is anyone actually pushing charges or do you just assume someone is? If you do not think anyone is going to push charges, she does not see it as rape, and its already over between you too what is really the issue here? Do you just feel guilty or is there some reason besides guilt for killing yourself?
Just guilt for having committed statutory rape - there's no chance of charges being brought unless I turn myself in (which would probably piss my ex off, since she's long moved on, it seems). I have pretty severe OCD so I don't have much control over how guilty I feel and it's been hourly for the last few years and it's no way to live.
I've told a few therapists but none of them really took it seriously... probably cause the age of consent is 16 here so none of them thought it was that bad. Cultural standards die hard, I guess.
Besides, my first therapist was a creep who looked like Dr. Jacoby from Twin Peaks and called my ex a 'little minx' as well as other gross / predatory stuff. My second therapist breached professional boundaries by talking too intimately about her personal life and she generally complimented me way too much, to a point where it got uncomfortable and strange. My third therapist had dated a 26-year-old man when she was 16, so didn't see the big deal with a 21-year-old having done the same! :-p / sigh
So, none of them alerted the police. As said, I think the police would only get involved if I went back to America and reported myself... which I do think about doing, but know it would be against my ex's wishes and probably piss her off / upset her. I don't want to take the decision whether to report or not away from her, especially as I've asked her twice and made it clear that I would absolutely plead guilty.
Maybe it isn't OCD... to be honest, I can't imagine how anyone who had done the same and wasn't completely psychopathic wouldn't be filled with remorse and self-loathing and basically feel like there was no way to go forwards. Anything involving kids is the blackest crime.
Normal to kill self after perpetrating statutory rape? (21 / 16-17)
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No force whatsoever. I think towards the end of the relationship she was uncomfortable and no longer wanted to be together but felt awkward about addressing the fact. This is why I think it would be right to prosecute it as statutory rape. She was too young to know precisely what she wanted and I think the age difference created a power imbalance, even if neither of us wanted to accept the fact at the time. Generally, things were fun and enthusiastic and very mutual, with the exception of the last few days of being together, in which she was very hot / cold (understandably, because I know in retrospect that she was no longer sure if she wanted to stay together). In those last few days there was one incident in which I feel she acquiesced, rather than truly enthusiastically consented. We were in bed together in our underwear and she told me that just wanted to be held, putting my arms around her, and I slowly escalated things to touching her. I think she probably felt badgered / pressured, but decided not to say anything further as she either didn't want to disappoint me, or simply didn't feel comfortable giving a clear 'no'. On the couple of occasions together when she said 'stop' / 'no' (i.e. she felt things were moving too fast or just was no longer in the mood) I immediately did so. My understanding is that Californian law now says that you always need clear verbal consent before you do anything sexual and I feel that in that one incident above she 'went along with things' rather than being truly enthusiastic, so under revised Californian law, that would possibly meet the criteria for assault, but not under Texan law then or now. Indeed, she's certainly never said that she felt like I assaulted or raped her, but simply that she was uncomfortable by the end of the relationship because she suddenly felt weird about the age difference but didn't know how to address breaking up.
So, in answer to your question, legally consensual *but for the age* which is probably why she has no interest in prosecuting. I still feel strongly it wasn't right, however, and that the age difference was a bad idea. Her parents knew about the relationship (as did my parents) and didn't seem to mind, which seems weird in retrospect, but the fact that I genuinely liked / cared about their daughter was probably clear. Plus, her one previous partner had been even older than me (in their mid-20s) so maybe I just seemed young in comparison.
The relationship began when she was 16 and in person sexual stuff started about a week-and-a-half before she turned 17. I'm bringing the matter up because it's been plaguing me every day for the last 4 years and, frankly, it's no way to live. I feel more remorseful about having had sex with someone underage than I can really express. Sadly, I'm fairly sure she would be legally obliged to testify... as said, I'm the one who would be turning myself in, but it's the state that would bring charges.
In fact, I offered, over email, to turn myself into the police about 2 years back and her reply was:
"It's nice of you to offer, but you're taking this way, way, waaaaaay too seriously. It's certainly not like you molested a child, and you are making it sound a lot closer to something like that. I'm not even really sure what legal action there would be to take. Don't spend your time dwelling on this or feeling like you owe me anything. Move forward, redirect the negative energy from worrying about this, turn it into positive energy and put it towards something productive. There's nothing left to feel bad about, time has taken care of everything."
So... basically, she doesn't feel like a victim, or that she was raped / assaulted, but legally she absolutely was because she was underage. I hate the idea of having committed statutory rape and have gotten away scot free, which is why my thoughts have turned to suicide.
Anyway, hope this massive text dump clarifies the situation.
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Well she doesn't care about it, you did not care at the time and its 6 years later. Unless someone is pressing charges I think it would be better to just forget about it. So you dated her at 17 and how old were you at the time? So your like 29 now?
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I was 21 (as said, 4 and a half years diff.) and I'm now 27.
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Okay well is anyone actually pushing charges or do you just assume someone is? If you do not think anyone is going to push charges, she does not see it as rape, and its already over between you too what is really the issue here? Do you just feel guilty or is there some reason besides guilt for killing yourself?
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Just guilt for having committed statutory rape - there's no chance of charges being brought unless I turn myself in (which would probably piss my ex off, since she's long moved on, it seems). I have pretty severe OCD so I don't have much control over how guilty I feel and it's been hourly for the last few years and it's no way to live.
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That has nothing to do with OCD. I would say talk to a therapist but if you did in fact report what you did to they might alert the police.
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I've told a few therapists but none of them really took it seriously... probably cause the age of consent is 16 here so none of them thought it was that bad. Cultural standards die hard, I guess.
Besides, my first therapist was a creep who looked like Dr. Jacoby from Twin Peaks and called my ex a 'little minx' as well as other gross / predatory stuff. My second therapist breached professional boundaries by talking too intimately about her personal life and she generally complimented me way too much, to a point where it got uncomfortable and strange. My third therapist had dated a 26-year-old man when she was 16, so didn't see the big deal with a 21-year-old having done the same! :-p / sigh
So, none of them alerted the police. As said, I think the police would only get involved if I went back to America and reported myself... which I do think about doing, but know it would be against my ex's wishes and probably piss her off / upset her. I don't want to take the decision whether to report or not away from her, especially as I've asked her twice and made it clear that I would absolutely plead guilty.
Maybe it isn't OCD... to be honest, I can't imagine how anyone who had done the same and wasn't completely psychopathic wouldn't be filled with remorse and self-loathing and basically feel like there was no way to go forwards. Anything involving kids is the blackest crime.