This is coming from someone whose sex drive has plummeted since having a 3rd baby: hormones play such an enormous role in how much we want/need sex. I would not be surprised if her hormones are the root of her lack of desire. It probably bothers her, too, that she has lost those feelings. I think she should talk with her doctor. Unfortunately it seems like she interprets your concern about this as pressure, but I still hope she will talk to her doctor for both of you. In my case, I still adore my husband, I just don't think about sex, and I am sure that breastfeeding and fatigue do not help. Menopause, etc., can certainly change us. I hope that in all other ways she still sees you the same as she did when you were dating.
Thanks for responding. Yes, I understand that having babies and aging do take their toll on hormone levels. And, it was about 4 or 5 years after our two sons were born that I began to notice that things were declining. I have tried many times in the past to discuss this with my wife but, to no avail. We do travel quit a bit and have gone on many cruises and have a great time doing that. But, it is becoming more difficult because there is just so little affection any more. My even writing this blog is an indication of how desperate I am to find some way to fix this. I'm to the point now that given if I had to choose, I would opt for just the return of our physical exchanges of affection over sex. I'm getting old too and while things do still work they're sure not as well as used to be. But, that doesn't mean we can't still be physically affectionate with each other. I dream and even fanaticize how it would be for her to just grab me and passionately kiss me again.
I feel very fortunate to have found my wife. I do love her and I know she loves me. She is an extremely kind, caring and compassionate person. Even when buying gifts for people, she puts a lot of time and thought into finding just the right one. She has a tremendous desire to help others and even volunteers at our local Hospice center, as do I. I hope I'm not sounding selfish but, her desire to help seems to also be a way to avoid giving attention to our relationship. I've said to her before that "every one and everything seems to get in the way of us".
Her seeing her doctor is definitely an option but, finding a way to encourage her to do that is the hard part. It's going to take finding some way to get her to recognize the need to do that. She is a very in control type of person that won't even take a pill unless she absolutely has to or the doctor tells her to.
A lot of young people are on this site so it is worth saying this: the interest in & ability to have a sex life is just as strong & important among older people as younger adults.
I also retract what I said about the passive aggressive thing, sorry to have jumped to a conclusion.
The mechanics change & it is not easy to talk about. You've taken steps around lube & dealing with heaIth/ED issues.
So I agree with being persistent. Thats hard. Its embarrassing. And she's ducking it. But INSIST that she hear you out and take steps - which could include going to a Dr or nurse together to talk it out.
She is avoiding the issue & being a bonehead. Thats hard on you. But you have a wonderful relationship otherwise. And YOU should be commended for wanting to bring greater affection & happiness to both of you. Be courageous.
Thanks, This whole issue has been the elephant in the room for a long long time. I think I might have made some head way this morning when I told her that she made me want to cry. When she asked why, I said, "we're going to go through the rest of our lives like this because you're not willing to address this problem." and,..I was crying too. Her reaction was much more of a willingness to be affectionate and without my saying anything more. I hope this is at least a starting point.
My wife of 42 years is only affectionate if I initiate it
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This is coming from someone whose sex drive has plummeted since having a 3rd baby: hormones play such an enormous role in how much we want/need sex. I would not be surprised if her hormones are the root of her lack of desire. It probably bothers her, too, that she has lost those feelings. I think she should talk with her doctor. Unfortunately it seems like she interprets your concern about this as pressure, but I still hope she will talk to her doctor for both of you. In my case, I still adore my husband, I just don't think about sex, and I am sure that breastfeeding and fatigue do not help. Menopause, etc., can certainly change us. I hope that in all other ways she still sees you the same as she did when you were dating.
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13 years ago
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drobo45
13 years ago
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Hey - there're in their mid 60s, though I respect your point. Different time of life though ....
Thanks for responding. Yes, I understand that having babies and aging do take their toll on hormone levels. And, it was about 4 or 5 years after our two sons were born that I began to notice that things were declining. I have tried many times in the past to discuss this with my wife but, to no avail. We do travel quit a bit and have gone on many cruises and have a great time doing that. But, it is becoming more difficult because there is just so little affection any more. My even writing this blog is an indication of how desperate I am to find some way to fix this. I'm to the point now that given if I had to choose, I would opt for just the return of our physical exchanges of affection over sex. I'm getting old too and while things do still work they're sure not as well as used to be. But, that doesn't mean we can't still be physically affectionate with each other. I dream and even fanaticize how it would be for her to just grab me and passionately kiss me again.
I feel very fortunate to have found my wife. I do love her and I know she loves me. She is an extremely kind, caring and compassionate person. Even when buying gifts for people, she puts a lot of time and thought into finding just the right one. She has a tremendous desire to help others and even volunteers at our local Hospice center, as do I. I hope I'm not sounding selfish but, her desire to help seems to also be a way to avoid giving attention to our relationship. I've said to her before that "every one and everything seems to get in the way of us".
Her seeing her doctor is definitely an option but, finding a way to encourage her to do that is the hard part. It's going to take finding some way to get her to recognize the need to do that. She is a very in control type of person that won't even take a pill unless she absolutely has to or the doctor tells her to.
--
[Old Memory]
13 years ago
|
pl
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A lot of young people are on this site so it is worth saying this: the interest in & ability to have a sex life is just as strong & important among older people as younger adults.
I also retract what I said about the passive aggressive thing, sorry to have jumped to a conclusion.
The mechanics change & it is not easy to talk about. You've taken steps around lube & dealing with heaIth/ED issues.
So I agree with being persistent. Thats hard. Its embarrassing. And she's ducking it. But INSIST that she hear you out and take steps - which could include going to a Dr or nurse together to talk it out.
She is avoiding the issue & being a bonehead. Thats hard on you. But you have a wonderful relationship otherwise. And YOU should be commended for wanting to bring greater affection & happiness to both of you. Be courageous.
--
drobo45
13 years ago
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Thanks, This whole issue has been the elephant in the room for a long long time. I think I might have made some head way this morning when I told her that she made me want to cry. When she asked why, I said, "we're going to go through the rest of our lives like this because you're not willing to address this problem." and,..I was crying too. Her reaction was much more of a willingness to be affectionate and without my saying anything more. I hope this is at least a starting point.