My wife of 42 years is only affectionate if i initiate it

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My wife of 42 years is only affectionate if I initiate it. We’re in our mid-60’s now and our first 10 years were fantastic and I would like to find some way to just bring part of that back. Over the years, I have tried repeatedly to find the “right” time but it doesn’t matter. No time seems to be the right time. If I wait for her, it just doesn’t happen. I make it a point to tell her she is beautiful even when we first wake up in the morning. We can cuddle in bed for a while ( the only time I can get close to her) but then she “has” to get up. Kissing is only lasts about 5 seconds and I have to make her put her arms around me even then. We can hold hands in public occasionally but, I have to reach across the car to even touch her while I’m driving. As for sex, I know she has vaginal dryness. I have even made some suggestions to offer some help. I’ve even purchased a vaginal cream and lubricant for her but, she won’t have anything to do with them. And yes, I have had some health issues that are now resolved that had contributed to ED. About 9 months ago, I brought all of this up and tried to talk about it. I said that all of this makes me very sad that we have lost something that we may never get back. Unfortunately, that just seemed to make things worse because she felt cornered While she is willing to help satisfy me, she doesn’t want or need it. That just makes me feel guilty for asking and like I’m begging. If I make a move, she pushes my hand away which makes me feel rejected. It really isn’t any fun without my wife being a willing and active participant.

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  • BfingIToucher
    13 years ago | pl

    This is coming from someone whose sex drive has plummeted since having a 3rd baby: hormones play such an enormous role in how much we want/need sex. I would not be surprised if her hormones are the root of her lack of desire. It probably bothers her, too, that she has lost those feelings. I think she should talk with her doctor. Unfortunately it seems like she interprets your concern about this as pressure, but I still hope she will talk to her doctor for both of you. In my case, I still adore my husband, I just don't think about sex, and I am sure that breastfeeding and fatigue do not help. Menopause, etc., can certainly change us. I hope that in all other ways she still sees you the same as she did when you were dating.

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    • [Old Memory]
      13 years ago | pl

      Hey - there're in their mid 60s, though I respect your point. Different time of life though ....

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    • drobo45
      13 years ago | pl

      Thanks for responding. Yes, I understand that having babies and aging do take their toll on hormone levels. And, it was about 4 or 5 years after our two sons were born that I began to notice that things were declining. I have tried many times in the past to discuss this with my wife but, to no avail. We do travel quit a bit and have gone on many cruises and have a great time doing that. But, it is becoming more difficult because there is just so little affection any more. My even writing this blog is an indication of how desperate I am to find some way to fix this. I'm to the point now that given if I had to choose, I would opt for just the return of our physical exchanges of affection over sex. I'm getting old too and while things do still work they're sure not as well as used to be. But, that doesn't mean we can't still be physically affectionate with each other. I dream and even fanaticize how it would be for her to just grab me and passionately kiss me again.
      I feel very fortunate to have found my wife. I do love her and I know she loves me. She is an extremely kind, caring and compassionate person. Even when buying gifts for people, she puts a lot of time and thought into finding just the right one. She has a tremendous desire to help others and even volunteers at our local Hospice center, as do I. I hope I'm not sounding selfish but, her desire to help seems to also be a way to avoid giving attention to our relationship. I've said to her before that "every one and everything seems to get in the way of us".

      Her seeing her doctor is definitely an option but, finding a way to encourage her to do that is the hard part. It's going to take finding some way to get her to recognize the need to do that. She is a very in control type of person that won't even take a pill unless she absolutely has to or the doctor tells her to.

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      • [Old Memory]
        13 years ago | pl

        A lot of young people are on this site so it is worth saying this: the interest in & ability to have a sex life is just as strong & important among older people as younger adults.

        I also retract what I said about the passive aggressive thing, sorry to have jumped to a conclusion.

        The mechanics change & it is not easy to talk about. You've taken steps around lube & dealing with heaIth/ED issues.

        So I agree with being persistent. Thats hard. Its embarrassing. And she's ducking it. But INSIST that she hear you out and take steps - which could include going to a Dr or nurse together to talk it out.

        She is avoiding the issue & being a bonehead. Thats hard on you. But you have a wonderful relationship otherwise. And YOU should be commended for wanting to bring greater affection & happiness to both of you. Be courageous.

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        • drobo45
          13 years ago | pl

          Thanks, This whole issue has been the elephant in the room for a long long time. I think I might have made some head way this morning when I told her that she made me want to cry. When she asked why, I said, "we're going to go through the rest of our lives like this because you're not willing to address this problem." and,..I was crying too. Her reaction was much more of a willingness to be affectionate and without my saying anything more. I hope this is at least a starting point.

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  • one2one
    12 years ago | pl

    Sorry to read about that, really I'm in my late fifties and I need sex almost more than before when I was working all hours god sent before. My wife has lost a lot of interest but we have sex once a week only. Normally it's not a session it's 15 mins and all over she likes it hard & fast for the friction
    So despite the initial guilt I now pay for sex. Once a week with younger women the are very professional and do a very nice job. It's nice to have a couple of hours of what they call the real girlfriend experience . I feel like a man again and don't have to pressure my wife for sex all the time. I also like to look at some porn and masturbate maybe you should try it. Some may say dirty old man but I don't care I don't want a divorce I just want to have sex when I want it.

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  • BfingIToucher
    13 years ago | pl

    You are not that old. Jeez, no one on here who is younger should be talking down to you in such a condescending manner. Chalk that up to immaturity. You certainly deserve to feel intimate with your wife, regardless of your age. Don't cheat. Keep working on this. It sounds like the good things about your relationship outweigh the bad, and why sabotage such a long, otherwise happy marriage? The grass is always greener....

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    • drobo45
      13 years ago | pl

      Thanks, We both are totally committed to this relationship. So, I would never look elsewhere. I know we all have parts of our relationships that we'd like to improve. For me, it's the level of affection. Being persistent and talking through it I believe is the best approach. That's going to be the hard part. But, nothing worthwhile ever is.

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  • sparrowfeed
    13 years ago | pl

    aww, this is so sweet :)

    you guys are so old, though! LOL (no offense)
    be happy that you are together THIS long and have a wonderful connection with each other. it's not all about sex. at this age, it's just too adorable that you wake up and tell her how beautiful she is. it's also cute at least she wants to satisfy you!

    is it really that dry? i don't know what to say.. try some lubes and in any case, you might want to visit a doctor.

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    • drobo45
      13 years ago | pl

      Thanks, It sounds like we may be old enough to be your parents .. we have sons that are 38 and a 35 years old.

      I totally agree, it is not all about sex. We kiss and hug each other good night, good morning and good bye (when one of us leaves). But, if I try to kiss, hug or even touch her any other time, she can't seem to stop what she's doing for even 5 seconds to respond. And, again, I'm the one that has to start any of that for it to happen at all. It's nice that she wants to satisfy me but, to be honest, it really isn't much fun without her wanting it too. And, her doing that was only after I said to her 9 months ago that I could understand why guys my age would have a reason to cheat (I never have cheated).

      Am I expecting too much of a woman in her 60's?

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  • badboy4u247
    13 years ago | pl

    if she rejects talking to a doctor/counselor and to you about this then find a girlfriend..i seen my father go thru this with my mother,it was a long 30 years for him he's 70 now finally having the time of his life!...don't cut yourself short..

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    • sparrowfeed
      13 years ago | pl

      right.. because going through an expensive divorce at 70 is just SO worth it.

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    • drobo45
      13 years ago | pl

      Thanks for the advice. I asked her today if she would at least try the vaginal cream. She said "I don't want to". I then asked if she would talk to her doctor about what to do. She said it would be "a while" before she will see her doctor again.

      Question for all: I think this is true but, is a woman's willingness to be affetionate directly related to her level of sexual desire?

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  • [Old Memory]
    13 years ago | pl

    She's changed. But she will make it all seem like you. Do what you can about it - but the passive aggressive thing on her part which includes the sex & silent treatment - not too encouraging.

    I would certainly understand if you turned elsewhere for romantic love.

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  • SassyFrassyLassie_old
    13 years ago | pl

    You seem like such a kind man. It seems unfair that because she has no interest in intimacy, that you should have a sexless marriage for the rest of your life.

    She should try the lube! There are so many good ones on the market today and they are not just for a dry vag. Lots of younger people use them too, they make sex a lot of fun.

    Maybe give her a glass or two of wine. It increases testosterone levels in women which increases their libido. And maybe you could be more persistent in your advances, be a Don Juan. Don't feel too bad about her 'rejecting' your advances either. She has just become lazy about responding in a reciprocating manner because she's become comfortable with not wanting it herself.

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  • soccer2
    13 years ago | pl

    U have bee together a very long time. What first made u fall in love or what made those 10 years awesome? Go back to that and bringthe spark back. Maybe go on a vacation or take her to the place u went for the first date or something. If u have been with her this long then there must be something there. Maybe she is just bad at showing affection now. U really need to sit down and have a heart to heart chat with her. Be super nice and ask her what she is feeling and try to see it from her side. But she should also try to see it from yours. Maybe u guys just need to get out and do something wild or something that u both enjoy

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  • ews
    7 years ago | pl

    I have been married for 35 years and we are both in our early sixties. My wife is the only woman I have had sex with. My wife is tall, slim and attractive, 36C breasts with large pink areola, nice long legs, very nice arse, hairy pussy with lips that hang down slightly, and underarm hair - very fuckable. For the first ten years we fucked on a fairly regular basis, largely me fucking her from behind and pulling out at the last minute and cumming on her back. She has psychological issues and never came. I stopped fucking her and for the last 25 years have been sucking cock and swallowing cum behind her back. I have sucked cocks at glory holes and in saunas. I now go a gay bar where I can strip naked and suck on cocks and swallow cum in public.
    I now have no interest in sexual contact with her.

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  • Nokiot9
    8 years ago | pl

    Everyone reading this right now that is one of those 'abstinence till marriage' 18 year olds, look at this guy. Look at his situation. You don't wanna be 40 years down the road wishing you cold have had more sex when u were able to and not happy with the way things are because of it. You only live once in the skin you are in. You are only young once. As for YOU sir, get some Ed meds. Talk to your wife about what would make her more excited, her fantasies she wants to fulfill, anything that would spice things up. My guess is that it's just become routine for her. And she just isn't into it anymore. And it the vaginal dryness going on, it makes things that much more difficult for her.

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  • BoredGuy
    12 years ago | pl

    I really HATE it when this happens. Too bad you are married, i would break up with her. Just telling you probly no amount of talking will fix this, and she will probly get very annoyed eventually by it. I wish you the best of luck and do tell me if i turn out wrong(i hope i do)

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