My shield against feelings
Well for two years i think I was depressed, because well, I was just extremely sad all of the time, crying all the time, and trying to get someone to notice me and give me a little love.
I wasn't trying to be an "emo" or anything, but I just wanted to have somebody to talk to so I would try and give off small hints that I just needed somebody to be there for me (all of my best friends had moved away and I didnt have anyone...)
And well, after this one summer I grew up A LOT. I had almost changed into a completely new person. I also didnt feel the need to try and get people to notice my "depression" or whatever it was, and i started getting embarassed from showing my feelings.. but I also noticed that my "depression" was gone. I didn't cry anymore and I didnt feel this weight on me, like a huge boulder on my chest anymore. However, I felt like I was inside a hazy cloud or like a bubble of my own. I still felt lonely and different from everybody else, but I wasnt sad which made me think I wasn't depressed. The problem was, I wasn't happy either, but I had been happy so rarely that I didnt even get my mind around that until now.
I haven't cried in a long time. And so much has happened to me this year, which makes it weird that I havent cried. No, i don't mean things like, "omg a guy i dated for a week broke up with me ! :(" but things like, my friend almost dying.... and much more but i dont want to give out any personal info.
So now, when I get bad news, I don't let myself cry about it or be sad about it, I'm neutral about everything. Also, when I get good news, this "defence mechanism" of mine works automatically to not let me feel any emotions so i'm never really happy...
Ugh, what is this? What should I do to be a normal person with normal feelings again? Have any of you felt like this ? sorry about the length of this, sorry if im not making sense.