That's sounds awful. I didn't get along with her very well as an adult sharing a kitchen, but there's no way I could go that long without seeing my mom.
Even her older kids who moved out would visit or call two or three times a week.
Unfortunately my mum is a violently abusive alcoholic, so I don't think I could spend anymore time with her than I currently do. Many people have told me to break contact completely but I don't think I could. She's still my mum. I have this idea in my head that she's secretly a nice person who loves me, but I've just never seen that side to her because of the alcohol.
Your comment made me laugh, but if you are being serious then I don't find that to be true. No matter how terrible a parent was, when they die you immediately look to any tiny glimmer of hope that they did actually love you and weren't really that bad. It's incorrect, and it just seems that way because of the grief, but it bites you in the ass and makes you feel guilty for hating them even if you were right to do so.
Them still being alive makes you much more at ease with those feelings.
That's probably true for a lot of people, but when my dad died, I didn't feel guilty for disliking him. I had actually cut him off emotionally at age 11.
Something he said confirmed my feelings that our relationship was more like one between a boss and an employee, rather than a parent/child relationship rooted in love.
It went on that way, but later when he became softer, and more often said he loved me, I didn't feel much of anything, except an urge to cringe.
Any attempts at bonding past age 12 just felt superficial- like pointlessly putting soothing balm on a wound that I had already cauterized on my own long ago.
Fair enough. I guess we all grieve differently. I do have a friend who said she felt very free after her mother died (she was abused as a child).
I think I'm just a really guilt-ridden person. Sometimes when I received abusive drunk phone calls from my mum during school I would feel really guilty for hanging up on her, despite the fact she was just calling to yell horrible insults at me. I guess I'm just really fucked up lol.
My mom annoys me
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You'll probably find that you get on ok with her after you move out.
Parents are much more palatable when you just see them on Xmas day and a couple of hours on their birthday.
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[Old Memory]
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309uf2o38yf
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brutus
4 years ago
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Yeah, that's what I'm thinking, and hoping will happen.
Some people say that friction builds between parents and children, because children are meant to move away at a certain point.
That's sounds awful. I didn't get along with her very well as an adult sharing a kitchen, but there's no way I could go that long without seeing my mom.
Even her older kids who moved out would visit or call two or three times a week.
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SwickDinging
4 years ago
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That sounds nice.
Unfortunately my mum is a violently abusive alcoholic, so I don't think I could spend anymore time with her than I currently do. Many people have told me to break contact completely but I don't think I could. She's still my mum. I have this idea in my head that she's secretly a nice person who loves me, but I've just never seen that side to her because of the alcohol.
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309uf2o38yf
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I hope she gets clean. Distance is good in abusive situations.
Or even more palatable when they are in their graves.
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SwickDinging
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Your comment made me laugh, but if you are being serious then I don't find that to be true. No matter how terrible a parent was, when they die you immediately look to any tiny glimmer of hope that they did actually love you and weren't really that bad. It's incorrect, and it just seems that way because of the grief, but it bites you in the ass and makes you feel guilty for hating them even if you were right to do so.
Them still being alive makes you much more at ease with those feelings.
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[Old Memory]
4 years ago
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That's probably true for a lot of people, but when my dad died, I didn't feel guilty for disliking him. I had actually cut him off emotionally at age 11.
Something he said confirmed my feelings that our relationship was more like one between a boss and an employee, rather than a parent/child relationship rooted in love.
It went on that way, but later when he became softer, and more often said he loved me, I didn't feel much of anything, except an urge to cringe.
Any attempts at bonding past age 12 just felt superficial- like pointlessly putting soothing balm on a wound that I had already cauterized on my own long ago.
--
SwickDinging
4 years ago
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Fair enough. I guess we all grieve differently. I do have a friend who said she felt very free after her mother died (she was abused as a child).
I think I'm just a really guilt-ridden person. Sometimes when I received abusive drunk phone calls from my mum during school I would feel really guilty for hanging up on her, despite the fact she was just calling to yell horrible insults at me. I guess I'm just really fucked up lol.