My guilt is too much for me at this point

3 Comments

I feel like I need to constantly try to memorize rules of morality, and that if I don't, I am a bad person. This is really stressing me out. I hate my life. It's a horrible burden to know I am not perfect and that I will never be able to fix myself. I even feel guilty writing this because I feel like I should be doing something better.

I feel like at all times, I need to make sure I am doing the best possible thing I could be doing. Otherwise I am a horrible person with no excuse, and I deserve to be punished.

I know this is not normal. I am considering taking anxiety medication. But I feel guilty for wanting the anxiety medication, because I feel like if I stop worrying about being a bad person, I will be more likely to do something bad.

I have thought about how I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I can't handle my life any more. I can't handle knowing that I WILL do something BAD, and that there is nothing I can do to stop it. People WILL be sad BECAUSE OF ME, and I feel like I don't deserve any sympathy.

It's getting to the point where I am starting to have urges to do very bad things like cheating on my boyfriend, lying, etc. so that I can get rid of my conscience. the guilt is too much.

I keep having urges to do very bad things to myself like deliberately putting myself into a bad relationship. I have an urge to out myself to homophobic people because I feel like I deserve to get bullied. I just really hate myself.

I also have a weird urge to run outside the house and run as fast as I can, like if I run fast enough I can run away from the guilt. I know that's not how it works at all, but still.

I also have been wanting to do something crazy, something really distracting, but I don't know what. Maybe asking a random lady to kiss me? I don't know. I really don't know.

Also, I am a Christian, and I am having a lot of trouble being patient waiting for Jesus to come back. I hope he comes back soon so that he can make everything and everybody be perfect. I can't handle immorality. I just can't.

I feel so horrible that i became the kind of person who hates herself for not being perfect. I had so much potential as a child and now I feel like there is pretty much no hope for me to have a normal life at this point.

Please help me.

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Comments ( 3 )
  • Grunewald
    6 years ago

    I don't think Jesus ever needed you to feel this way about yourself. I think you might need help from someone to get a different perspective on this; maybe a trusted counsellor. He wants you to be pure, but I think he wants you to be sound in your emotional health, too. Love is patient, love is kind. And God is love. He knows that humanity is only dust - and that's Scripture - and he wants to make us clean. God's patience means salvation - he doesn't leave us alone and expect us to be 100% perfect straight away, so why should we expect to be? The cross takes our objective guilt away while he shapes us into whom he wants us to be at the pace that's right. There is supposed to be no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

    He ordered his disciples to wash each other's feet - he assumed they would get covered in moral dirt and muck every day and that they would need to keep having them washed away. And so do you. Your sins are deeper than you'll ever know but his forgiveness is deeper still and he delights in lavishing it on you so that you will know you are loved. He won't hate you for being imperfect. He didn't hate the tax collector or the prostitute or the robber. I think he wants to be your ally, and he wants to work with you to clean you up.

    But you have to start out from where you are, not where you want to be. If you would just bear to be imperfect before him, to admit your imperfections and own them, he will love you as you are, and he will be able to start making you better. Christ died for us while we were still sinners, not after we were already perfect, and his associates in his life were the vilest of the vile. He will not turn you away. He has seen much, much worse than you, and he has loved them, and worked with them, and transformed them.

    My very best wishes go out to you. Please, consider talking to a trusted counsellor about this - preferably one who will not misunderstand the Christian faith and think that the God of Jesus Christ really wants you to feel this way about yourself.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      6 years ago

      Thank you so much for this message. I have been talking to a psychologist about this. I need to make another appointment with her ASAP.

      I know God doesn't expect us to be perfect right away, but I feel like I have no excuse to NOT obsess over being perfect. I feel like if I don't obsess over being perfect, I am a bad person, because I am not trying hard enough.

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      • Grunewald
        6 years ago

        You're welcome. FYI, I've had something a bit like that too - for me it was a childhood thing. In my family, if something went wrong like someone lost their keys, if everyone else didn't look anxious and solemn, it meant they didn't care. So I learned that I ought to worry about things, otherwise it meant I didn't care. And it has taken me my adult life to realise it and start undoing it.

        Keep trying. Keep the distinction between the lies you've told, and what you know God really wants for you. The start for me was realising that the Holy Spirit was not convicting me of the things that my parents were condemning me for. You do not have to believe the lies.

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