My fake feelings and emotions.
Hi,
Since as long as I can remember, I have not felt the normal range of feelings that other people seem to experience. I see the way other people show what we call happiness, sadness, fear, anxiety, and attachment, but I do not think I feel them myself. I am aware what these feelings are intellectually, but I do not what they feel like.
Most of the time I just feel neutral/blank/indifferent on things, except when I am feeling jealous, sadistic, or angry. I hate to say this, and I know it is against maintaining societal values and civilization itself to feel this way, but I enjoy watching other people suffer. It could be physically suffering like torture, or emotional and psychological suffering like tearing apart someone's life achievements and values verbally. When I was young I enjoyed tormentally animals, as this sort of thing gives me a rush or a thrill, so to speak. It makes me feel powerful and important compared to the pathetic insignificant animal who will soon cease to exist. Tormenting small children and babies, while I've never tormented them, I know would give me pleasure and excitement. You could just say I just enjoy destroying things in a slow and sadistic manner.
Lastly, I fake the emotions and feelings I cannot feel but know most others have. I enjoy not having those feelings because it makes me feel superior, and I like to fool people into thinking I am feeling a certain way they expect of other individuals like themselves. In reality, I most often only feel angry and sadistic toward other people or I am indifferent toward their very existence. For instace, when I have been in sad family situations when everyone else is crying, I fake cry with them to fool them, etc.