My boyfriend doesn't want as much sex as me

62% Normal
12 Comments

I'm 26 and my boyfriend is about to turn 28. We've been together for about a year and a quarter, and moved in together three months ago.

Recently it feels like his sex drive has fallen - I never used to initiate sex at all, but now I feel that I'm initiating more often than not. We spoke about it a couple months ago, and he explained that he's tired during the week (he works from 6am most days) so I need to initiate more - which I have been doing. Then, last night, he initiated oral sex with me (me receiving) but then afterwards I tried to have sex with him and he said he needed to sleep - which was the first time he's ever turned down sex from me. In fairness, on Tuesdays (which it was yesterday) he works til 9pm and then has to be up at 6am the next day - but it felt like he was just giving me oral to satisfy me and doesn't actually desire me. I appreciate the effort and consideration but it hurts my self esteem as I remember not so long ago he'd come up from eating me out with a huge erection...

I talked to him about it last night and he said he;s having body confidence issues at the moment which make him want sex less as he doesn't feel confident taking his clothes off or assertive. He's a personal trainer and holds himself to a very high physical standard - when I met him he was in impeccable shape and doing a lot of weights, which might have explained his high sex drive, he had a back injury about four months ago which has affected him a lot. He's still in great shape as far as I'm concerned but at his level in his profession people expect fitness model perfection from him. I have noticed him sleeping with his shirt on and turning away if I'm watching him get changed.

Am I being dumb taking this personally? I love my boyfriend passionately and I don't question his love in the slightest - he's just not an overly complimentary guy so when he doesn't want to fuck me, it makes me feel like he doesn't want me as much any more.

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62% Normal
Based on 55 votes (34 yes)
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Comments ( 12 )
  • ItchyScrotum
    8 years ago

    You have to realize that the poor guy is DEAD TIRED. Take naps together on the weekends.

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  • Ellenna
    8 years ago

    It's normal in a relationship for one or both person's sex drive to fluctuate and unfortunately not always in sync: it's how the couple deal with it that's the important thing.

    Given how long you've been together, the body image story sounds very implausible to me, although the hours he's working (are you sure he's actually working???) could affect his sex drive It could be just sex getting a bit stale, which can happen in relationships, but it's the shirt issue that would make me suspicious he's covering up something he doesn't want you to see and it's not just his naked torso.

    If I were you and you can do this, I'd drop the subject for a couple of weeks, don't initiate sex and see what happens.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      8 years ago

      Hey, thanks for the advice - I do know the body image thing is an issue for him - he's had body dysmorphia in the past and he says stuff to me like 'sorry I look gross' when I look at him (even when he's fully clothed). I'm as sure as I can be that he's not cheating, none of the signs are there, I know how much he loves me and he's never given me a reason not to trust him.

      I was worried the sex might get stale when we moved in - I think you could be right that he's a bit bored or at least that sex seems less of an imperative now he's got me locked down - any ideas on how to spice things up/keep things interesting?

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      • Ellenna
        8 years ago

        First thing would be for you to tell him what you're feeling, just that, no judgment or analysis or guessing, as in: "When ....... happens (eg we don't have sex as often as we used to) ......... I feel (whatever it is you feel) ....... and it's important to me that we talk about this" ... listen to his response and then take it from there.

        If this is too scary I'd suggest trying out that technique on something much less threatening than sex: for example - "When you always ask me what's for dinner and only rarely cook me a meal, I feel resentful and angry and I really want you to stop doing it and contribute more in the kitchen." See what I mean? In this situation, one might well feel like throwing the dinner at him, or storming out or whatever, which is quite understandable, but blocks communication instead of opening it up.

        With the extra information you've now given I reckon it's probably the normal boredom that sets in after marriage or moving in together and a routine is created which can become a rut if you let it.

        So I reckon that after you've opened up positive communication, the next step would be changing the routine: go away for a hot weekend; lock the doors & tell everyone you've gone away and pretend you just met; give each other sexy surprises ...... use your imagination! BUT COMMUNICATION IS THE FIRST STEP

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  • thegypsysailor
    8 years ago

    Sounds like he's got a honey on the side and he's getting his satisfaction elsewhere.

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  • Rick_Bawls
    8 years ago

    He may be low-T. If you are hot, your 28-year-old bf should want sex with you every time he sees you.

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  • Inventixble
    8 years ago

    Just kill him

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  • Poes
    8 years ago

    Just wait until he is sound asleep and start playing with yourself next to him, when you are nice and wet, take hold of his dick and start sucking it, I assure you he will respond and reciprocate!

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  • atebefore7
    8 years ago

    Whats wrong with his cock or your sucking skills ?

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  • klebo
    8 years ago

    Does he not remove shirt in front of you or wears shirt to bed coz he has marks from another woman? It doesn't sound like a man to turn down sex,there are times I am very tired and won't do it but many times I know it's been a few days and no matter how tired I am I will please her and darn right myself as well,I want her to see how much eating her out was just as much as me as for her

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      8 years ago

      The shirt thing definitely isn't hiding marks - it's not to the extent that I don't see him topless, more like if I'm looking at him and I glance at his belly he'll turn away or put a shirt on. I'm as sure as I can be that he isn't sleeping with anyone else - he's very open with his phone, social media etc and we're in the same friendship group so when we go out it's together in the same group - if he was cheating it'd have to be at work and with the amount of intimacy in our relationship I'm sure he wouldn't cheat on me sober in that calculated way. I really trust this guy and he's given me no reason not to.

      Also, to clarify, it's never more than a few days without having sex - I think the longest was we once went four days, and that was a one-off.

      Maybe I'm just too available and he's a bit bored?

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    • Ellenna
      8 years ago

      You could be on to something there about the shirt and if he's into body building it could even be another man

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