I thought more about your question today and I wanted to add on to this:
You obsessing over his pain, while understandable, needs to be let go. If you've ever broken a bone or seriously injured yourself, you can probably remember that after a certain point of pain, you felt numb. If you haven't, then I can reassure you that each human as a threshold of pain - once their mind reaches the "max", there is no more pain. In a situation like a heart attack, he would have reached that threshold quickly and been pain-free at the time of his passing.
Everyone dies. I'm not pretending it's fair that your boyfriend was taken away from you so early in life but at the very least, his death was quicker than most. I know that's probably not comforting to you now but compared to being in a car wreck when no one knows where you are, getting diagnosed with cancer or another terminal illness, dehydration or starving, means hours or even years of suffering. At the very least, he was spared some pain - and he had you by his side in his last moments. While this is torture to you, it was the best thing you could have done for him during his death. Your bravery then, and now as you continue on for your daughter, gives me the kind of hope I can't stop thinking about all day.
I really hope this reply finds you doing better than when you wrote this question. Please, don't give up. The world needs strong women like you. Your daughter needs you most of all.
my boyfriend died of a heart attack
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I thought more about your question today and I wanted to add on to this:
You obsessing over his pain, while understandable, needs to be let go. If you've ever broken a bone or seriously injured yourself, you can probably remember that after a certain point of pain, you felt numb. If you haven't, then I can reassure you that each human as a threshold of pain - once their mind reaches the "max", there is no more pain. In a situation like a heart attack, he would have reached that threshold quickly and been pain-free at the time of his passing.
Everyone dies. I'm not pretending it's fair that your boyfriend was taken away from you so early in life but at the very least, his death was quicker than most. I know that's probably not comforting to you now but compared to being in a car wreck when no one knows where you are, getting diagnosed with cancer or another terminal illness, dehydration or starving, means hours or even years of suffering. At the very least, he was spared some pain - and he had you by his side in his last moments. While this is torture to you, it was the best thing you could have done for him during his death. Your bravery then, and now as you continue on for your daughter, gives me the kind of hope I can't stop thinking about all day.
I really hope this reply finds you doing better than when you wrote this question. Please, don't give up. The world needs strong women like you. Your daughter needs you most of all.