Moms friend...

I sit down opposite her holding a cup of coffee.

Then I stare blankly into her eyes for several awkward seconds.

I then open my mouth as if to speak, but instead take a sip of coffee.

Then I resume staring for several more seconds.

suddenly in a stern and gravelly voice I say "What...the fuck"

She responds "what?"

I look at her angrily, "what...the..fuck...is your problem"

I then put the cup to my lips, sip, and proceed to spit coffee all over her saying "take that you fat pig"

There is less fiction in this than you'd believe, and more than I'd like.