Looking for advice/opinions on a delicate matter involving my cousin
Right, well first off thanks for looking at this and I'd appriciate any feedback, purposefully negative feedback will be ignored.
I have known my cousin for 12 years now, we aren't biologically related, but she came from the ukraine to my country when we were children, her mother having married my uncle. We grew up together, and were practically inseperable. I'd say she is more of a sister to me than anything else. We live close to each other so have spent a lot of time together. As we started to get into our late teens, I began to notice that she was a very attractive girl and slowly my sexual desire grew for her. Then when I was fifteen and she seventeen, one time when we were sharing a room together, I touched her while she slept. At first it would have hardly been noticeable,but ovcer the course of two years this began to go further and further, all the while I thought she was asleep.
Let me say now that I have never had intercourse with her, I myself am a virgin, she is not. So most nights we would have sleep overs at each other's houses, and I would slip into her bed at night and embrace her to satisfy my desires whilst she (at least appeared) asleep. I know it wasn't love, but it felt like it.
Although she is known to the whole family as a heavy sleeper, I moved her around at night and I'm pretty sure that she couldn't have been asleep all the time. We have never talked about this, I've never had the courage to ask her whether she knew or not, in fear of destroying our brother/sister relationship.
Now she's got a boyfriend at university who she really loves a lot. I'm happy for her, but since she went to uni, I've been 'unable' to do what I used to do to her. Although she still let's me massage her back/arms/legs/face when we are alone and she is awake (She's asked me to do this sometimes, other times I ask her) when we have sleep overs.
As a note, over the course of the last two years, and more now that I cannot do what I used to, I find myself having sexual dreams about her, and longing for them. When I, shall we say 'please' myself I often find that my thoughts drift to her and no other. I'm 18 now, she's going to be 21 this year, and I don't know what to do with myself.
That's my story, no other living soul has ever heard it before, so please try to be polite in your answers although I know some people will have predjudice conclusions of me already. I'm asking anyone out there what you think of my story and what advice you would give to me. Thanks.