Joy from hurting someone

I was always a happy child. In elementary school I would get good grades and make friends very easily. But entering middle school I would not care anymore. I had issues with eating and became terrified of the dark. I had little to no friends and everyday thought about suicide (I still do). I would always think people were against me and heard things that weren't there. I either smelt nothing at all or a strong sent of old money. During 8th grade I hit my friend really hard on the back for no reason and felt a rush of joy and pleasure. In high school I often thought about stabbing people with pens and would have the urge to push people down the stairs. During high school I started to love being sad and would want bad things to happen to me( like getting stuck in an elevator). I have no idea why I'm like this. I love hurting people and love being sad and depressed. I still have to sleep with the light on in fear of a 'monster' coming. Deep down I hate being this way but I can't help loving it at the same time.