After how many of these incidents would a normal person know exactly how things were going to progress, if you didn't do as she asked immediately? Wouldn't life be so much easier for BOTH of you if you'd just say, "Yes, mom." and go and clean up the damn dog shit?
I don't get how this sort of thing can go on for YEARS and YEARS and yet someone like you complains about it, as if none of it is YOUR fault.
You are 23 years old! You must like these exchanges or you would have figured out long ago how to live with this woman in peace!
There are so many things wrong with your response that I'm not sure where to start ....
OK: he's not going to be normal if he's grown up with a mother like that and what sort of parent demands instant obedience at all times with the penalty for disobeying being kicked out of home? Families aren't supposed to be mini-fascist states.
It seems clear to me that he has tried to live in peace with her but that she's the abnormal manipulative one in this scenario and has beaten him down so much over the years it's hard for him to escape. He has tried to do so but she manipulates him into returning.
I suppose you'll call your response "tough love" as you've described similar ones in the past: tough yes, love is nowhere to be seen either in your response or this poor bloke's family
Why would anyone stand up to someone they know is going to go apeshit if they do, in a domestic situation? Ego? Pride? There is no plus in it.
This is a very sick TWO sided relationship, obviously. But he can't blame her for everything as at this point he is equally responsible because he knows exactly how she will respond to whatever he chooses to do.
Moving out permanently is his ONLY chance for any kind of normal life, but he will probably require years of therapy..
He's not equally responsible, how could he be when he's the child (albeit an adult one) and she's the parent who set up this dynamic and has perpetuated it all his life? Unless you know something I don't, there are no magic wands available to people stuck in oppressive personal relationships and he has the least power in the situation and needs support to get out and move on. He's courageous to be even questioning it and trying to get away and I hope next time he's successful.
That was when I was like 13. And like I've said, I've moved out many times and she always spirals and get's strange and needy. She cries and begs me to come back and I can't take seeing her upset so I cave.
You can't live in peace with someone who takes out their anger on you. It doesn't matter if I do as I'm told or I stand up for myself because she wants two things from me.
An emotional punching bag
And someone to care about her.
I take it from your answer you have absolutely no background in mental health. She comes from generations of mental illness and abuse.
The biggest thing that bothers me is how, for so long, she painted my dad as a terrible person who was the cause of her pain. This caused a lot of distance between us. I'm only now realizing that she's mentally unstable. My dad is actually a really good man.
I don't appreciate your condescending response either. I do my best to do what's right. It's hard to know the line between standing up for yourself and getting emotionally abused. If you grew up moving all the time and had, for the most part, one reference and that reference told you all your life that you're worthless without her, it would affect you too.
I think your time would be much better spent listening, than defending yourself. You obviously came here for input, and when you get it you get all upset by the way it was delivered.
By the way, I left my crazy person at 15 and never looked back.
There seems to be a good possibility you need this relationship every bit as much as she does.
You may love your mother very much, but IMO this codependent relationship isn't good for either one of you.
Get angry if you want, but when you air things on a public forum, you can't expect EVERYONE to say what you want to hear.
I wouldn't say I'm angry. If anything it seems like you're being hostile. So... I'm not sure what to tell you in terms of that...
I do spend a fair amount of time listening. I actually don't talk much in general. There is only so far I can be pushed though. And yes, I do need her as much as she needs me. Probably more. That's kind of the whole point, I feel stuck.
I certainly don't expect everyone to say what I want to hear lol. I wasn't born yesterday. I do think you're a bit insecure though, I don't see any other reason you would act so emotional about something that isn't at all personal to you.
Is this normal or narcissistic behavior from a mother
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After how many of these incidents would a normal person know exactly how things were going to progress, if you didn't do as she asked immediately? Wouldn't life be so much easier for BOTH of you if you'd just say, "Yes, mom." and go and clean up the damn dog shit?
I don't get how this sort of thing can go on for YEARS and YEARS and yet someone like you complains about it, as if none of it is YOUR fault.
You are 23 years old! You must like these exchanges or you would have figured out long ago how to live with this woman in peace!
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Ellenna
7 years ago
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CowboySaiyan
7 years ago
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There are so many things wrong with your response that I'm not sure where to start ....
OK: he's not going to be normal if he's grown up with a mother like that and what sort of parent demands instant obedience at all times with the penalty for disobeying being kicked out of home? Families aren't supposed to be mini-fascist states.
It seems clear to me that he has tried to live in peace with her but that she's the abnormal manipulative one in this scenario and has beaten him down so much over the years it's hard for him to escape. He has tried to do so but she manipulates him into returning.
I suppose you'll call your response "tough love" as you've described similar ones in the past: tough yes, love is nowhere to be seen either in your response or this poor bloke's family
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thegypsysailor
7 years ago
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Why would anyone stand up to someone they know is going to go apeshit if they do, in a domestic situation? Ego? Pride? There is no plus in it.
This is a very sick TWO sided relationship, obviously. But he can't blame her for everything as at this point he is equally responsible because he knows exactly how she will respond to whatever he chooses to do.
Moving out permanently is his ONLY chance for any kind of normal life, but he will probably require years of therapy..
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Ellenna
7 years ago
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He's not equally responsible, how could he be when he's the child (albeit an adult one) and she's the parent who set up this dynamic and has perpetuated it all his life? Unless you know something I don't, there are no magic wands available to people stuck in oppressive personal relationships and he has the least power in the situation and needs support to get out and move on. He's courageous to be even questioning it and trying to get away and I hope next time he's successful.
I do agree with your last sentence
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CowboySaiyan
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Thanks. Gypsy is right in a way, it takes two to tango. Thanks for your responses though, they've been helpful.
That was when I was like 13. And like I've said, I've moved out many times and she always spirals and get's strange and needy. She cries and begs me to come back and I can't take seeing her upset so I cave.
You can't live in peace with someone who takes out their anger on you. It doesn't matter if I do as I'm told or I stand up for myself because she wants two things from me.
An emotional punching bag
And someone to care about her.
I take it from your answer you have absolutely no background in mental health. She comes from generations of mental illness and abuse.
The biggest thing that bothers me is how, for so long, she painted my dad as a terrible person who was the cause of her pain. This caused a lot of distance between us. I'm only now realizing that she's mentally unstable. My dad is actually a really good man.
I don't appreciate your condescending response either. I do my best to do what's right. It's hard to know the line between standing up for yourself and getting emotionally abused. If you grew up moving all the time and had, for the most part, one reference and that reference told you all your life that you're worthless without her, it would affect you too.
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thegypsysailor
7 years ago
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I think your time would be much better spent listening, than defending yourself. You obviously came here for input, and when you get it you get all upset by the way it was delivered.
By the way, I left my crazy person at 15 and never looked back.
There seems to be a good possibility you need this relationship every bit as much as she does.
You may love your mother very much, but IMO this codependent relationship isn't good for either one of you.
Get angry if you want, but when you air things on a public forum, you can't expect EVERYONE to say what you want to hear.
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CowboySaiyan
7 years ago
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I wouldn't say I'm angry. If anything it seems like you're being hostile. So... I'm not sure what to tell you in terms of that...
I do spend a fair amount of time listening. I actually don't talk much in general. There is only so far I can be pushed though. And yes, I do need her as much as she needs me. Probably more. That's kind of the whole point, I feel stuck.
I certainly don't expect everyone to say what I want to hear lol. I wasn't born yesterday. I do think you're a bit insecure though, I don't see any other reason you would act so emotional about something that isn't at all personal to you.
Relax...
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thegypsysailor
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You, of all people, trying to psychoanalyze me, that's the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard. Bye bye now, and enjoy livin in your nut house.
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CowboySaiyan
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Lol. It takes one to know one.