Wow, I have a lot to say about this.
First of all neither of your behaviors are normal.
Your boyfriend obviously has a lot of issues and he cannot blame anybody for himself for how he is thinking, but that would very hard for him to admit.
His extent of jealousy and need for control is far from normal. I think he sounds self centered and weak minded.
Your problem is obvious as well. You describe yourself as an ideal victim. Just from your statement of being selfless describes that. People who put others before themselves constantly are the perfect people to use. Nobody truly respects them, but they keep them around because it's like having a mindless robot.
How can you help anyone when you do not do things for yourself first? All you can do anymore is enable the people who use you to become even more lazy and narcissistic than they already were.
In the end selflessness was the most selfish thing to do.
Now your boyfriend is just going to have to get over his pussy hurt and deal with things. If he doesn't like it, he needs a strong woman to whip him in shape, or nobody at all. If you can't do that you will go in a downward spiral together, so either be assertive or leave.
That becomes your biggest issue is that you are not being assertive and saying "You do not tell me what to do". If you have trouble understanding how, ask google. Until you learn this you will continue to be seen as a victim to almost everyone.
Don't think you "need" a partner either. Most people are better off alone but don't realize that. Just because society advertises romance doesn't mean it's as great as Disney.
Lots of people have fucked up lives and yes, sometimes they have problems because of it, but don't let that get in the way of your future. I've known people who have pasts worse than most horror movies I've seen and some of them find a better life while others go to prison, commit suicide, end up homeless, etc. But I think they all had potential at one point. Get away from your family too and work on yourself, because people only change themselves.
People need to be able to love themself before they can love other, as cliche as that sounds it rings true way more often then not.
And my opinion is that till your can do that and grow ip a bit mentally, your both doomed to an increasingly frustrating relationship till it may even spoil the good think you guy got going.
And sadly many people dont learn unless its the hard way through losing what they have
Sorry, but both of you misunderstand. I suggest you don't judge someone you know nothing about. I never said that I'm insecure. I love myself and am very confident and comfortable in my own skin. I also never said that I let him boss me around or control me. I have parents for that and they're already controlling enough. If you honestly think I let him control me or use me, you're sadly mistaken. If you really knew me, you'd know that I have a very fiery personality and I'm not about to let anyone control me or use me - not even the person I love most. I know what I deserve, and I deserve the best that is out there for me. I also never said that I put him before myself. I'm selfless because I love him. That doesn't mean that I think my own happiness, desires, or wants are unimportant. There's a big difference. If I were not happy, I wouldn't be with him. I've been through too much crap and pain in my life to not know that I deserve to be happy. I also don't see myself as a victim, and others don't either. I'm the last person that is going to let anyone run all over them. I was giving an honest account of the events. I'm perfectly capable of admitting to my mistakes, and I do exactly that when I've made them, and trust me - I've made plenty. I'm actually extremely mature for my age and wise beyond my years. I was forced to grow up at an extremely young age, so I grew up a long time ago. But thanks for your opinions nonetheless. Just don't judge someone you don't really know at all.
You made it sound like he is controlling because of his jealousy issues. The fact that he gets upset over something like talking to a guy at work is ridiculous. You can't say that expecting you to cut contact with %50 of society is not controlling. Sometimes people just need to toughen up and accept what they dislike. Anyone who tolerates ridiculous behavior like this makes a perfect person to take advantage of and is seen that way by most people.
There is a difference in being self-deprecating in a "tongue and cheek" way and being unhappy to hating yourself. Because you truly cannot Love someone, long term, when you cannot love yourself.
He strikes me as a more extreme case of how I, myself, used to be from how you described him. "Your his world and your the best thing that ever happened to him" does that sound about right?
That is only half right from what it should be, his world should include himself too, just you.
With that sort of view he will most likely be doomed to strain the relationship more and more, because instead of improving himself he is putting all this eggs in your basket. But your improving yourself and he will be at a stand-still.
And as you move forwards in your life, he will pull harder and harder to "keep you", keep the person you are growing out of.
You guys need to grow as a couple, "Together" and to do so he needs to mature mentally and learn to basically chill.
Is This Behavior Normal?
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Wow, I have a lot to say about this.
First of all neither of your behaviors are normal.
Your boyfriend obviously has a lot of issues and he cannot blame anybody for himself for how he is thinking, but that would very hard for him to admit.
His extent of jealousy and need for control is far from normal. I think he sounds self centered and weak minded.
Your problem is obvious as well. You describe yourself as an ideal victim. Just from your statement of being selfless describes that. People who put others before themselves constantly are the perfect people to use. Nobody truly respects them, but they keep them around because it's like having a mindless robot.
How can you help anyone when you do not do things for yourself first? All you can do anymore is enable the people who use you to become even more lazy and narcissistic than they already were.
In the end selflessness was the most selfish thing to do.
Now your boyfriend is just going to have to get over his pussy hurt and deal with things. If he doesn't like it, he needs a strong woman to whip him in shape, or nobody at all. If you can't do that you will go in a downward spiral together, so either be assertive or leave.
That becomes your biggest issue is that you are not being assertive and saying "You do not tell me what to do". If you have trouble understanding how, ask google. Until you learn this you will continue to be seen as a victim to almost everyone.
Don't think you "need" a partner either. Most people are better off alone but don't realize that. Just because society advertises romance doesn't mean it's as great as Disney.
Lots of people have fucked up lives and yes, sometimes they have problems because of it, but don't let that get in the way of your future. I've known people who have pasts worse than most horror movies I've seen and some of them find a better life while others go to prison, commit suicide, end up homeless, etc. But I think they all had potential at one point. Get away from your family too and work on yourself, because people only change themselves.
--
shuggy-chan
8 years ago
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People need to be able to love themself before they can love other, as cliche as that sounds it rings true way more often then not.
And my opinion is that till your can do that and grow ip a bit mentally, your both doomed to an increasingly frustrating relationship till it may even spoil the good think you guy got going.
And sadly many people dont learn unless its the hard way through losing what they have
--
MadameAM
8 years ago
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Sorry, but both of you misunderstand. I suggest you don't judge someone you know nothing about. I never said that I'm insecure. I love myself and am very confident and comfortable in my own skin. I also never said that I let him boss me around or control me. I have parents for that and they're already controlling enough. If you honestly think I let him control me or use me, you're sadly mistaken. If you really knew me, you'd know that I have a very fiery personality and I'm not about to let anyone control me or use me - not even the person I love most. I know what I deserve, and I deserve the best that is out there for me. I also never said that I put him before myself. I'm selfless because I love him. That doesn't mean that I think my own happiness, desires, or wants are unimportant. There's a big difference. If I were not happy, I wouldn't be with him. I've been through too much crap and pain in my life to not know that I deserve to be happy. I also don't see myself as a victim, and others don't either. I'm the last person that is going to let anyone run all over them. I was giving an honest account of the events. I'm perfectly capable of admitting to my mistakes, and I do exactly that when I've made them, and trust me - I've made plenty. I'm actually extremely mature for my age and wise beyond my years. I was forced to grow up at an extremely young age, so I grew up a long time ago. But thanks for your opinions nonetheless. Just don't judge someone you don't really know at all.
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[Old Memory]
8 years ago
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shuggy-chan
8 years ago
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You made it sound like he is controlling because of his jealousy issues. The fact that he gets upset over something like talking to a guy at work is ridiculous. You can't say that expecting you to cut contact with %50 of society is not controlling. Sometimes people just need to toughen up and accept what they dislike. Anyone who tolerates ridiculous behavior like this makes a perfect person to take advantage of and is seen that way by most people.
my comment wasnt directed toward you so much as your BF.
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shuggy-chan
8 years ago
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There is a difference in being self-deprecating in a "tongue and cheek" way and being unhappy to hating yourself. Because you truly cannot Love someone, long term, when you cannot love yourself.
He strikes me as a more extreme case of how I, myself, used to be from how you described him. "Your his world and your the best thing that ever happened to him" does that sound about right?
That is only half right from what it should be, his world should include himself too, just you.
With that sort of view he will most likely be doomed to strain the relationship more and more, because instead of improving himself he is putting all this eggs in your basket. But your improving yourself and he will be at a stand-still.
And as you move forwards in your life, he will pull harder and harder to "keep you", keep the person you are growing out of.
You guys need to grow as a couple, "Together" and to do so he needs to mature mentally and learn to basically chill.
anywho, wish you guys the best