Heartbreak stories are common here, and every single time I'll see several people suggest that the person avoid all contact, steer clear of places their partner tends to frequent, slap themselves on the wrist every time they think of them, remove them from their phones and Facebook, etc. The issue with all of these solutions is that it is heavily focused on the partner, instead of the person suffering.
Desperately trying to remove them from your mind will only make the thought of them stronger, and will never give you personal mental closure, and you won't come out any better equipped to deal with heartbreak in the future. To me, it's like trying to cut off your hand because you got an infection on your finger. Let it heal. Don't amputate it. And learn how the infection got there in the first place. Avoid THAT.
To me, the only real long-term solution is to learn to be comfortable enough with yourself that even if something like this happens, and even if it hurts, it won't destroy you. Find activities you like that don't rely on other people (or if they do, people that are more reliable, like family and friends). Have fun by yourself or with friends, not because you need a distraction but because you actually want to!
If that sounds too difficult, then fine, treat them like a disease and watch the cycle repeat over and over again. But to not have your self-esteem entirely determined by others, to truly love yourself - THAT is the real cure for this. Everything else is just a painkiller.
Very true I like that answer. But what if variables come into play? Like what if you were never given a definitive answer and were being lead on? Or if he/she told you how much they loved somebody else, fully aware of how you felt? I feel like no contact could work to an extent depending on each persons situation.
That's a good point. If someone is actually hostile or toxic to your life, it's probably best to completely remove that negativity from your life. But too many people are quick to try and erase everything the second it doesn't pan out the way they wanted it to, you know?
In your examples though, I still think it's best not to avoid it. In the first scenario, ask them for a definitive answer and deal with the truth regardless of whether it's good or bad. In the second, they've given you the truth and you have your answer, and now you can try to move on. I'm not saying you shouldn't move on, I'm just saying you shouldn't hide behind a tree every time you see them.
Also a good point. I was curious to see what you thought because I was in a very similar situation. I was lead on for almost a year, and everytime I tried to "move on" she did something to pull me back in and gave me hope I had a chance.
This person was once considered my best friend, but after going through that for almost a year, I can't see how I could keep her in my life after being hurt so many times. It's very hard to be friends with someone who you're deeply attracted to in my opinion.
Good point, but that's only for the person who is having trouble moving on.
What if you're the person who already has moved on, yet the ex doesn't want to let go? My closest friend in the world went through this last June. Even months later, she thought she could go out for coffee with him as "just friends" and he still ended up interpreting it as more and it inspired further hope in him. Now she wants nothing to do with him because he has no control over himself. He's in his 30s, yet his inability/refusal to move on shows his lack of maturity and self-control. Ugh, my poor friend, now she has to be a total bitch to him to get rid of him.
This is not my poll, but I think both perspectives need to be considered, no?
It's definitely just for the person who was heartbroken because I think that's what the poll was trying to discuss, but that's an interesting point that requires a separate solution.
How candid was she with this guy? I don't think she has to be a bitch - honesty doesn't have to mean malice. It's a tough situation because it's the other party that has to learn from this and mature, but I think there are certainly better ways to help him (and herself) with that than avoidance or bitchiness.
Is no contact the best solution to move on?
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Absolutely not.
Heartbreak stories are common here, and every single time I'll see several people suggest that the person avoid all contact, steer clear of places their partner tends to frequent, slap themselves on the wrist every time they think of them, remove them from their phones and Facebook, etc. The issue with all of these solutions is that it is heavily focused on the partner, instead of the person suffering.
Desperately trying to remove them from your mind will only make the thought of them stronger, and will never give you personal mental closure, and you won't come out any better equipped to deal with heartbreak in the future. To me, it's like trying to cut off your hand because you got an infection on your finger. Let it heal. Don't amputate it. And learn how the infection got there in the first place. Avoid THAT.
To me, the only real long-term solution is to learn to be comfortable enough with yourself that even if something like this happens, and even if it hurts, it won't destroy you. Find activities you like that don't rely on other people (or if they do, people that are more reliable, like family and friends). Have fun by yourself or with friends, not because you need a distraction but because you actually want to!
If that sounds too difficult, then fine, treat them like a disease and watch the cycle repeat over and over again. But to not have your self-esteem entirely determined by others, to truly love yourself - THAT is the real cure for this. Everything else is just a painkiller.
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stonecutters93
11 years ago
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equanimity
11 years ago
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Very true I like that answer. But what if variables come into play? Like what if you were never given a definitive answer and were being lead on? Or if he/she told you how much they loved somebody else, fully aware of how you felt? I feel like no contact could work to an extent depending on each persons situation.
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taciturn
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That's a good point. If someone is actually hostile or toxic to your life, it's probably best to completely remove that negativity from your life. But too many people are quick to try and erase everything the second it doesn't pan out the way they wanted it to, you know?
In your examples though, I still think it's best not to avoid it. In the first scenario, ask them for a definitive answer and deal with the truth regardless of whether it's good or bad. In the second, they've given you the truth and you have your answer, and now you can try to move on. I'm not saying you shouldn't move on, I'm just saying you shouldn't hide behind a tree every time you see them.
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stonecutters93
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Also a good point. I was curious to see what you thought because I was in a very similar situation. I was lead on for almost a year, and everytime I tried to "move on" she did something to pull me back in and gave me hope I had a chance.
This person was once considered my best friend, but after going through that for almost a year, I can't see how I could keep her in my life after being hurt so many times. It's very hard to be friends with someone who you're deeply attracted to in my opinion.
Good point, but that's only for the person who is having trouble moving on.
What if you're the person who already has moved on, yet the ex doesn't want to let go? My closest friend in the world went through this last June. Even months later, she thought she could go out for coffee with him as "just friends" and he still ended up interpreting it as more and it inspired further hope in him. Now she wants nothing to do with him because he has no control over himself. He's in his 30s, yet his inability/refusal to move on shows his lack of maturity and self-control. Ugh, my poor friend, now she has to be a total bitch to him to get rid of him.
This is not my poll, but I think both perspectives need to be considered, no?
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taciturn
11 years ago
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It's definitely just for the person who was heartbroken because I think that's what the poll was trying to discuss, but that's an interesting point that requires a separate solution.
How candid was she with this guy? I don't think she has to be a bitch - honesty doesn't have to mean malice. It's a tough situation because it's the other party that has to learn from this and mature, but I think there are certainly better ways to help him (and herself) with that than avoidance or bitchiness.