I had a very similar situation happen to me months back, but I wont bore you with details, this is about you.
I've noticed that our approach to solving problems (being calm, talking it out, love, affection) doesn't work on men that well. Most men aren't raised to properly deal with their emotions, they're raised to provide and solve linear problems with simple enough solutions. So something as complex as dealing with the emotions like guilt, failure, loss of pride, etc most men tend to lose their shit and fall into a deep depression. This is not an excuse for him. It's just the sad truth in many cases, especially with my man that I had to deal with.
In my experience, I've learned that men respond better when presented with the harsh truth and direct language. You just have to let loose without belittling him. For example if you want to focus on the relationship you approach him like: "Jake, I'm so fucking tired of this. I am on your team, and will always be, but you can't be treating me, OF ALL PEOPLE, ME who is ready to stand by you, like complete shit because of one FIXABLE fuck up. If you're depressed, talk to me about it. I'm not going to call you a pussy, I'm not going to see you as weak or whatever shit you think. I'm here for the long run, are you?!" Like be angry as hell, be raw emotions. Throw questions at him that make him look within himself, and make sure he knows what he losing if he continues to be this way.
If he gets angry, then calmly and angrily tell him, "If you continue to treat me like shit over losing your job, I will leave you. There is no turning back. You either talk to me and we can be a team about it and build a future together or you can throw me away." Be so serious about this too, don't pretend.
You don't have to say all this word by word, but just giving you an example of the type of speech. Oddly enough I got results when I did this approach. I was ready to walk out on my boyfriend too, I was apartment hunting, I had a U-Haul ready; I had plans set if this final talk didn't work. Thankfully, he understood.
I think that's sensible advice, but the only tweak I'd make to suggest you use the approach of: "I feel that...", "When you..., that makes me feel...", "I can..., but I simply cannot...", "What I need is...".
You can't force the guy to change, and nor can you really know for sure what's going on in his head. Women are better than men at empathy and intuiting what others are thinking and feeling, but research has found that everyone is worse at this than we believe we are.
The only thing any of us can be sure of is what we are feeling and thinking, and what we currently want. Let him know that without blaming him for your negative feelings. When it comes down to it, he's doing him, for better or worse, and women who believe they can change and improve their men are deluding themselves.
Put the ball firmly in his court, and be prepared for the possibility that he might not be able to do anything with it. If he can't respond positively and you're very unhappy, then the only sensible choice is to decide to stop being miserable with him and go in search of a happier life.
It's not about changing him. It's about including her. Men tend to exclude us women often either to shield us from stress or problems they think they can handle alone. We can't fix his depression, and it would be foolish/childish to do so. It's about him talking all his emotions out, and us as a couple working through it.
Often times when men get upset, they become moody, withdrawn, etc when they normally aren't, especially if your spent years with the person in the same living space. All we serious girlfriends or caring wives want is to understand so we can provide any insight, support, or simply cry with you so you're not alone. When you guys shut us out even when were trying so hard really hurts us deeply and makes us feel pointless; as in if we, the closest person to you and mother of your children, cant be someone you trust enough to be your helping hand, then why am I even here? Sex?
As for my advice to her, I discovered that while I was doing me when he was continuing to do him with all the withdrawing and such. I was tired of being nice, and approaching him with the "I feel...," because it didn't work. He'll acknowledge my words, but just wasnt getting it. It wasn't going through until I exploded. I didn't belittle him at all, but I was done being excluded, or being his girl and that it. He refused to make me his teammate. It's annoying because haven't I proven myself through the years that I can handle his weight or that we can support each other? Anyway, that's where my advice was coming from, my problems are all fixed, and we're better and more honest/open with each other. I was just hoping this could help the OP, but thanks for the comment.
Thank you so much for this input! I however feel that even if I do manage to make him change this particular behavior there's still some concerning troubles left.
He's addicted to weed, he can't clean up after himself and we don't have any interests in common. I feel that I'm too old to waste time in something that, now that I'm seeing things more clear, I don't think will last. Had it just been this described behavior it might have been different.
Is my boyfriend a jerk?
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Have one final talk with him.
I had a very similar situation happen to me months back, but I wont bore you with details, this is about you.
I've noticed that our approach to solving problems (being calm, talking it out, love, affection) doesn't work on men that well. Most men aren't raised to properly deal with their emotions, they're raised to provide and solve linear problems with simple enough solutions. So something as complex as dealing with the emotions like guilt, failure, loss of pride, etc most men tend to lose their shit and fall into a deep depression. This is not an excuse for him. It's just the sad truth in many cases, especially with my man that I had to deal with.
In my experience, I've learned that men respond better when presented with the harsh truth and direct language. You just have to let loose without belittling him. For example if you want to focus on the relationship you approach him like: "Jake, I'm so fucking tired of this. I am on your team, and will always be, but you can't be treating me, OF ALL PEOPLE, ME who is ready to stand by you, like complete shit because of one FIXABLE fuck up. If you're depressed, talk to me about it. I'm not going to call you a pussy, I'm not going to see you as weak or whatever shit you think. I'm here for the long run, are you?!" Like be angry as hell, be raw emotions. Throw questions at him that make him look within himself, and make sure he knows what he losing if he continues to be this way.
If he gets angry, then calmly and angrily tell him, "If you continue to treat me like shit over losing your job, I will leave you. There is no turning back. You either talk to me and we can be a team about it and build a future together or you can throw me away." Be so serious about this too, don't pretend.
You don't have to say all this word by word, but just giving you an example of the type of speech. Oddly enough I got results when I did this approach. I was ready to walk out on my boyfriend too, I was apartment hunting, I had a U-Haul ready; I had plans set if this final talk didn't work. Thankfully, he understood.
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I think that's sensible advice, but the only tweak I'd make to suggest you use the approach of: "I feel that...", "When you..., that makes me feel...", "I can..., but I simply cannot...", "What I need is...".
You can't force the guy to change, and nor can you really know for sure what's going on in his head. Women are better than men at empathy and intuiting what others are thinking and feeling, but research has found that everyone is worse at this than we believe we are.
The only thing any of us can be sure of is what we are feeling and thinking, and what we currently want. Let him know that without blaming him for your negative feelings. When it comes down to it, he's doing him, for better or worse, and women who believe they can change and improve their men are deluding themselves.
Put the ball firmly in his court, and be prepared for the possibility that he might not be able to do anything with it. If he can't respond positively and you're very unhappy, then the only sensible choice is to decide to stop being miserable with him and go in search of a happier life.
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Tealights
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It's not about changing him. It's about including her. Men tend to exclude us women often either to shield us from stress or problems they think they can handle alone. We can't fix his depression, and it would be foolish/childish to do so. It's about him talking all his emotions out, and us as a couple working through it.
Often times when men get upset, they become moody, withdrawn, etc when they normally aren't, especially if your spent years with the person in the same living space. All we serious girlfriends or caring wives want is to understand so we can provide any insight, support, or simply cry with you so you're not alone. When you guys shut us out even when were trying so hard really hurts us deeply and makes us feel pointless; as in if we, the closest person to you and mother of your children, cant be someone you trust enough to be your helping hand, then why am I even here? Sex?
As for my advice to her, I discovered that while I was doing me when he was continuing to do him with all the withdrawing and such. I was tired of being nice, and approaching him with the "I feel...," because it didn't work. He'll acknowledge my words, but just wasnt getting it. It wasn't going through until I exploded. I didn't belittle him at all, but I was done being excluded, or being his girl and that it. He refused to make me his teammate. It's annoying because haven't I proven myself through the years that I can handle his weight or that we can support each other? Anyway, that's where my advice was coming from, my problems are all fixed, and we're better and more honest/open with each other. I was just hoping this could help the OP, but thanks for the comment.
Thank you so much for this input! I however feel that even if I do manage to make him change this particular behavior there's still some concerning troubles left.
He's addicted to weed, he can't clean up after himself and we don't have any interests in common. I feel that I'm too old to waste time in something that, now that I'm seeing things more clear, I don't think will last. Had it just been this described behavior it might have been different.
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RoseIsabella
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Ah, addiction changes everything, and from recent post you've made to another user you've made it clear he has been verbally abusive for years.
Yeah, it's time to go. No amount of talking will help him understand your feelings, and his weed addiction will make it hard for him to keep a job.
Yeah, he certainly sounds like a waste of time.