Is it normal to want to end your own life when everyone abandons you?

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41 Comments

I am falling apart.

I am contemplating suicide.

For 21 years I have been headstrong.

It is all adversity.

It's an obstacle to get over.

Every day I smile and take a breath and say today's going to be great. I look at all my advantages instead of disadvantages in life, however after 21 years of a series of unfortunate events I grow ever so tired of feeling this way. Stay strong and stay positive.

I am completely independent.

My father has done some inhumane things to me.

My Mother lives of the government or when I was a child, me.

My biological family knows I am intelligent and that being homeless is my only option.

From the Betrayal family I disowned, to the orphanage they put me in, and through the fire I came out with scars of torture that they bestowed upon me.

I am done trying to be happy with myself.

Happiness is a persona I have been using for a long time and it makes me delusional.

How can someone who feels nothing anymore feel happiness?

I want to cry and just bleed out emotions.

I fear that in this selfish world you need to control your feelings and just keep to yourself.

I survived worse things than a holocaust and now back on the streets with no family and no love in this world.

Everything is so cold... is there a point in this madness we call living?

We are born to die.

My life is a poetic tragedy.

I am ghost who can't hurt anybody, can't feel anything, and has no soul.

I do not lead the victim life.

I am not here for pity.

I have tried to do this on my own.

I just lost faith that its worth it anymore.

Going to school to get a better job.

Trying to find work while homeless.

Nobody is hiring a nobody like me.

Who cares if I do not eat?

Who cares if I sleep in stalls for rest?

Are we living or just surviving?

I am not desperate for love. I do not need it. I could live alone on this earth for the rest of my days.

I am hungry for happiness and gave my last breath to motivate others with my courage.

I am no hero. I do not know if I am human anymore. I think I am a monster or a ghost.

My life has been nothing but torture and damnation.

I am restless and I can not find the will to proceed.

I am just an empty husk doing what society wants me to do until I collapse.

Sexually,Physically,Emotionally,Mentally abused on most intensified levels that humans can endure.

I am only 21 years old and got rid of my family and friends for neglecting and abandoning me.

I am on the run fighting to live one day in a home of my own with children and a wife.

I am homeless, loveless, jobless, and lifeless.

I am strong I know that already.

I can get through this I know that too.

I know that people admire my strength and courage.

Sometimes its like I feel that I am just living for society.

I am living because society wants me to go on.

What is the point to all of it?

The fact that I am special unique?

What?

I lost faith in god and I am going to hell for my beliefs.

I hope that my life won't be nothing but torture and damnation to look forward to.

Life has not given me a break unless it was a heart or a leg.

Do I live so I can see how my story unfolds?

I already know the ending.

I die because it was destiny.

I am merely here to inform you that I am going on empty.

I am just living to survive and the worst days are tomorrow it seems.

I do not need anybody in my life to make me happy.

I do not need you guys to try to fix what is destiny.

I am just letting you know of my pain and suffering because its a story of survival and not death.

In the end though we lead to that path of death.

I will be happy to embrace it when the time comes.

I am in no rush to end my story.

I want to feel that I am happy and truly happy and not fooling myself and trick myself to be happy.

I feel like when I say I am happy I am delusional.

Writing is the only way I know how to express myself.

It is the only way I know how to feel anymore.

I show you my feelings in words that are a mere shadow of the actions that took place.

I am just here to exist and nothing more than to be.

I do hope that one day that diamonds start appearing in the rough.

Sometimes life is meant to be damnation and torment for some people.

I have come to terms with this notion that not everybody is entitled to be happy and some choose to neglect those in need of assistance.

Nobody is obligated to help anybody.

I have endured this torture and live on until death do I fade into black again.

100 years or more from the day that I die my struggles forgotten and my misery put to ease.

I know that one day misery will end.

I just hope it will not fall on the day of my death.

Happiness is only a flicker of a thought, concentration on living is my only priority even though I have no idea why I pursue living.

Perhaps I linger on because I find hope that one day things could change.

I am live life and struggle to have happiness and peace.

I am a good man who is not desperate for anything, and merely desires to be happier.

Despite this all I just embrace the rainy days and hope for sunshine in a seemingly never ending storm.

I do appreciate when someone recognizes my emotions through writing and mere words.

I learned how to communicate my thoughts through atmospheric writing.

If I concentrate hard enough on writing I could take everyone down to where I fought through this hell I endured.

I think it is rather more important that I do not have to pain you through detailed descriptions of my endured torture.

I mean literally torture.

I could tell you more about the orphanage.

I could tell you more about the family that tortured me.

I could tell you that they electrocuted me and burned me.

The screams of a child are still present only in my past.

The hopes of feeling better and the genocide of an innocence in my childhood brought only strength and numbing from my tears.

I fear that my future might end up getting worse as insane as it may sound.

I fear that despite everything I went through that there is still worst to come.

I am prepared for the demons and I am prepared to be engulfed in the black darkness once again.

I hold on to the hope that I can start a family and be a father one day.

Show love and compassion to those that deserve and appreciate me.

Misery could be history or this could be the start of the most brutal survival story.

Homeless without any family, shelter, or food.

I still purse a career and a home to live in.

My dreams are the only thing keeping me together.

My dreams are the things I never want to stray from.

I am just afraid I won't wake up one day because of it all....

Is It Normal?
Feeling Suicidal?
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Comments ( 41 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • dickwashington
    9 years ago | pl

    i copied and pasted your poem then i google it and i found your blog http://www.truetrophies.com/gamerblog.aspx?gamerblogid=825

    your a pretty good poet!

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    • SilencedNephilim
      9 years ago | pl

      I appriciate you going the extra mile to find my poetry.

      What urged you to search on google?

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      • dickwashington
        9 years ago | pl

        i don't know really i thought you plagiarised it so i wanted to see if it was an original or not

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        • SilencedNephilim
          9 years ago | pl

          These are my true feelings, I am glad you did what you did.

          Everyone here seems to just see me as trying to grab attention for the hell of it.

          I am just trying to express my feelings.

          When people tell you to open up, whats the point?

          To be targeted?

          And people wonder why people like me never want to open up.

          I appreciate you finding out whether or not my post is genuine.

          The majority here just want to push me over the edge, because they want to be right about how they perceive me.

          Like I said before, I have no home, no support, living of nothing.

          I guess that left room to be targeted and loathed.

          I appreciate you responding, and finding my genuine feelings, it means a lot to me.

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  • Bringithome
    9 years ago | pl

    Yes it is normal. I have been there and I actually have cuts on my wrists and thighs from being so alone, I also tried hanging myself, but no matter how alone I felt I always thought of what my family would think if me if I did such a thing, and I also wondered what would happen to me after I died. (I don't believe in god). So it is normal, and I understand how hard and cruel life can be but hun....that's like. There will be ups and downs. Sometimes it feels like there are way more downs then ups, but if you take your life you won't beable to experience the ups, but you would only have experienced the downs. So if you ever need to talk, just message me and I'm here for you.

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    • SilencedNephilim
      9 years ago | pl

      Thank you so so much for replying.
      I am glad to hear from someone who can empathize.
      I try to focus on the ups, but when you have no home and no family, and no friends you really are in a dark place.
      Even in utter darkness your shadow leaves you.
      I just want the suffering to stop....

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      • Tommythecat.
        9 years ago | pl

        Could you be more over dramatic.

        Even in utter darkness your shadow leaves you? Are you taking the piss?

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        • SilencedNephilim
          9 years ago | pl

          Furthermore, do you realize that what you are saying is judgmental?

          You really know how to make someone feel like there’s nobody on the planet that cares about them in one thoughtless sentence.

          I hope you realize that what you say is not helping my situation.

          Why bother saying negative things to someone who is down?

          Do you enjoy kicking the suffering when they have fallen into depression?

          I dear hope that when you are suffering nobody talks to you the way you have talked to me.

          How can anyone be expected to seek help when the reaction from anybody is discomfort and disbelief?

          Reaching out and showing just how bad it is for you isn’t an easy thing to do – feeling rejected after doing so can be simply devastating.

          The simple message needs to be of love and acceptance, not of judgement and self righteousness.

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          • Tommythecat.
            9 years ago | pl

            I make you feel like nobody cares about you, fuck you. People who try to guilt trip others are the worst kind of people. I'm sure your life has been really hard but so are lots of people's and you don't see them demanding sympathy for every little thing and then guilting others. There aren't a whole lot of people who care for me either but I dont spew out this garbage to get sympathy from total strangers. I mean how are we supposed to help you fix your life from the other side of a computer screen. You need to take responsibility for yourself and stop with the poor me attitude, it just makes things worse.

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        • SilencedNephilim
          9 years ago | pl

          Dramatic?

          Wow, are you that dense to misery and poetic ways of expression?

          This goes beyond what you can fathom, so nice try making me out to be over dramatic.

          I have nothing. I am fucking homeless. Try having nothing, maybe you would have more compassion.

          So jaded of talking to people like you.

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  • Soilworker2099
    9 years ago | pl

    I feel for you..... But.... Just think...As bad as you have it, someone somewhere ALWAYS has it much worse.... War zones, women be raped daily in the streets in India, Indonesia... Somalia.... The small towns in Jamaica where people physically have to fight to live everyday... Burma... Which is Probably the worst place on the planet....

    Stay in a mission, most of the time it's only a dollar a day to live there, work for labour ready they pay cash same day... Work to pay for the mission, save enough for deposit on a rental, join the military, live on a naval vessel, start earning good wage then use your military experience as a resume booster, get a good civilian job

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    • SilencedNephilim
      9 years ago | pl

      Of course, I am not trying to look as if I think I have the worst of the worst.

      I just am trying to share to people that I am litterally on the verge of taking my own life.

      I just am really trying to see the point in pushing forward.

      I am trying my best to better my situation in the process, I am in college, I am trying to work 60 hours a week with 2 jobs, I am doing what I can to better my life.

      I am jaded of people.

      No matter where I look I see zero compassion.

      I am trying my hardest to refrain from doing this, but as I continue to search in society for support I get redirected.

      I appriciate you taking the time to support me morally and give me ideas on how to better my life.

      I appricaite you telling me my life is not the worst life.

      I just personally feel empty.

      I personally losing my strong will.

      Trying my best to keep my integrity,

      I hope that this is just a temporary mindset.

      I just hope for my sake things will get better.

      I don't want to make an life changing decision.

      Again, Thank you for the support.

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  • Something_Recognizable.
    9 years ago | pl

    Clearly false, A REAL depressed person just says "I'm Depressed", They don't write something so poetic.

    But, in the some what alternative universe where you really are depressed, Get. Fucking. Help.

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    • noid
      9 years ago | pl

      I write melancholy poetry when I'm depressed. Stop being so critical!

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    • anti-hero
      9 years ago | pl

      Oh shit we gots us a therapist up in here y'all!

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    • SilencedNephilim
      9 years ago | pl

      So I am just suppose to be minimal about my feelings?

      A lot of depressed people express their feelings and thoughts through HARMLESS creative writing.

      Saying, Oh you have problems, that's not my problem.

      Go talk to someone who you have to pay to listen to your problems.

      Remember homeless?

      Yeah because I can clearly afford that.

      Look, you are not living my life.

      You do not understand how strong willed I have been for fucking 21 years.

      I am breaking down, and the last thing I need to hear is "It's not my problem, look elsewhere"

      I mean you took the time to type, and still chose not to support someone who is upset and searching for people to just talk to.

      I am not looking for a time limit session to pay for someone to hear me out.

      I understand positive outlets, I get it.

      When you have no family or support come back and relate and try to empathize.

      Till then, refrain from putting down those who are already past rock bottom.

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  • fullhouse
    9 years ago | pl

    Seek counselling, pop in some antidepressants n make your life better. Most of our life problems arise because we expect too much n we planned for better. I'm going through h something similar but I am still holding on. Its a cruel world but we should stop whining n start working. Hope you invite positive energy in yourself n start living. Suicide is a coward way of dealing with things, I am sure we can do better. Best wishes

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  • livyylulubabyy
    9 years ago | pl

    It sounds like you are very depressed. Seek counseling.

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  • Ironforged13
    6 years ago | pl

    It sounds like contradiction, one after the other. many of us have been abandoned, as i at birth. many have suffered abuse of all kinds as i, many have used as i , many have died and many have waged through the fire of ups and downs lows and highs and it doesn't end until our demise. We live in a crazy world and there are so many obstacles, so i say fined your light and stay the course. always the best wish for your journey. I struggle everyday as well.

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