Although I do think it is normal (sometimes I request a massage and I am actually feeling like only a massage)- i think you are only saying it because of this vow you took, and i sort of wish it wasn't like this! because sex is a normal thing and it shouldn't be forbidden. and also, i find it so stupid to marry a person you haven't had sex with, because sex is a VERY important part of a relationship and if you have never had sex... well, you don't know if you guys get along well in the bed.
i have had an ex, who i loved more than anything back then. When we broke up, my heart was shattered for nearly two years, not even kidding. but we weren't that... great in bed together. i've way nicer sex with my current boyfriend for example.
Hey, do you mind if I ask your thoughts on something?
"well, you don't know if you guys get along well in the bed."
After reading something I heard of what's called a "yes no maybe" chart... Basically listing a ton of things and both you and your partner mark what you think of that activity. I guess they came up with it specifically to help figure that out, if the two of you could do all right in that aspect of the relationship. Your thoughts? Would it be too weird to do with someone you were thinking of asking about marriage?
Btw, It made me laugh that you are talking about a yes no maybe so chart when my username is called the same.
I think it sounds great. If you decided to wait for sex until marriage because of your religion (It's something I do not understand but I will respect), I think you need to at least TALK about it. You talk about all the things you want to do, and experience together, once you are already married. It doesn't need to be a chart like this, it sounds a little bit too... I dont know what to call it. I mean, don't print a paper with the list and be like please fill this up. I reckon that's too much! I'd feel like you are "studying me". It needs to be mutual, like, hey, let's daydream about this. Would you do that? oh me too. But i would be a little reluctant to do that, what about you? and obviously you can check out that chart you mention for ideas....
Wait wait WHAT? There is nothing too weird with the person you want to marry. My thoughts are that you should trust this person 100%, you can't be ashamed to mention something, after all, it's the person you want to spend the rest of your life together, right?
If you don't want to mention something because you are scared how they will react... I think it means you aren't ready to marry. If you don't ask now, when? when you are already married? So what if you realise you are not compatible with this person? It's not like you can't break up and say bye, like you could with a boyfriend. I believe you need to tell your partner everything. And they will probably agree, or at least, support you with it. If they don't, they might not be the right person for you? Obviously you can't agree with everything but if your partner didn't support you with anything at all, that would be something to consider.
Thanks really, you've helped me more than you think.
And, about not being ready to marry... obviously I'm not ready. I'm just... thinking ahead I guess. I've got some serious anxiety issues, honestly I don't really have any close friends let alone a girlfriend. Trying to work through my fears one at a time I guess,tho it'd be useful to pick priorities... such as how to not worry about appearing retarded. Dunno if I mentioned it but the main reason for my anxiety is that I was diagnosed autistic but nobody even bothered to explain it to me, so CLEARLY they meant I was retarded. Don't really believe that anymore but it's lead to some habits that are nigh impossible to erase...
TLDR: Of course I'm not ready to seriously think about marriage
Of course I did read your (longer) part of the message.
You made me so happy saying that I helped you :) I'm sorry about the fact that they didn't really explain about autism. I do not really know much about it but I guess this is in the past and you are willing to try now! I understand it's hard but it's the start! And to be fair, I'm 23 and I had never really had a boyfriend until now, I thought it was just not for me. I thought I'd never have one! I did tell myself there was nothing wrong with me, I was kind and nice and I looked good enough, but I just... felt like noboyd really ever considered me as girlfriend material! It did drive me nervous sometimes, like, sometimes I'd wonder if I would turn 40 without having had a proper partner. But it just happened! I don't even know how yet! So trust me that everything is gonna be alright and it will happen when it has to happen! however, you need to be open for it!
I am very shy and sometimes I find it difficult to make new friends. I have my school and uni friends, but sometimes if things aren't going well with them I worry and I wish i could make new friends. There's this sentence by picasso which i really like that says something like "inspiration exists, but it has to find you working". I sort of try and apply it to my life. i started doing it a few years ago, one day i was feeling very sad thinking i had no friends, so i thought... good luck exists, but you need to be looking for it- as in, if i never leave my bed i'm obviously not gonna make a friend. so from that day i tried to say yes to everything that was offered to me, i tried to smile to people and be nice and i tried to join more activities, like i joined some workshops, even went to parties (which i usually refused before)... i realise we aren't in the same position, but if anything that i ever experienced can help you, i would like to try and explain. <3
Thanks. Yeah, while we're in different situations, I really can relate and learn a lot from that. Aside from constantly worrying about fitting in and asking myself if whatever I just said sounds normal, I'm always asking myself, "even if we could start a relationship, how do I know I'd be good enough for her", or something similar. Well, obviously I can't interesting enough to get anyone's attention if I never talk to them... Being shy is my detriment as well, I just never put myself out there.
There's one thing I have to admit. I have no idea what normal is as far as social interaction goes. Long story short... my parents were a little heavy-handed with the whole "don't talk to strangers" thing. I mean, I only recently realized that people actually don't mind talking to others that they don't really know. And I'm still trying too hard to not sound like a creep. It's weird, I have a habit of overthinking everything on an intuitive level, when logically I know that I'm not doing anything really weird... Everyone says that the problem is that sex ed is terrible, but in my case the problem is that they assumed that I actually knew how to interact with others without freaking out I guess.
If you don't mind if I ask... what would you suggest I do or say if I just want to meet up with a girl later to chat? Is this what most people would think is a date?
I sometimes worry about what I say too. It's with people i'm not confident with, I say something and I wonder if I sounded stupid and they will think I'm too weird. But I have also realised that my friends are people who like the silly things I say, and even find it funny. I think I'm pretty normal myself but sometimes I do realise I say things that most people wouldn't say, maybe they think it's not morally correct or too freaky (E.g. i love harry potter and sometimes i will say something a little nerdy) or whatever - But I feel like saying it and so I will say it. My boyfriend says Im nothing like he ever met before, he says i'm like an innocent child who speaks up and doesn't know how to lie when something isn't great.
About your question-. First of all, I wouldn't invite a girl you just met out. Whenever a guy I barely know has invited me out, I have said no. Because I didn't know them too well and I was scared... or, I don't really know the reason, but I always ended up saying no! And while there might be girls out there that are more "adventurous" that I am, I can only speak for myself.
If you have any friend in common with that girl, I'd try and meet up with more people first. It would be easier, she'll be very likely to say yes, and it would be easier for you as well.
If you didn't have any friends in common, you could try and drag somebody else (a sister, a friend, a cousin... whoever) into going somewhere. It could be something like, I have three tickets for this movie, my friend and I are going, wanna come along? I'm just trying to think how it would be easier for you! It would be more relaxing and you would all get less nervous!
Maybe after a second time meeting up, it would be easier. I feel like "first" dates, if you wanna call them that way are easier if there's something to do. Like, if you just said let's meet up, it would get awkward, but if you say "i discovered a new restaurant that has loads of weird things, we should try it out", and then you could laugh about the food you are eating.. it just makes everything easier!
my first date with my boyfriend was a movie, the second, a Japanese restaurant. I had some Japanese food that I had never had before and he kept laughing at me whenever I would make any silly face because something was too spicy.
Anyway, I don't really know what to talk about in dates. I have probably never told anybody about this but when I was quite young, I met this older guy, he was from Perth and he travelled the world a lot. I just thought he was the coolest thing ever, and he fancied me. I never understood why he would fancy me whatosever! Anyway, so when he asked me to meet up, I remember I was super nervous, I wrote down a few things to talk about in case things got quiet and awkward. Because he wasn't from my city I remember I wrote down some stuff about the city, questions about his city, and also about countries I had been to. I don't think I have ever done that again, but it could make work for you! Just so you go to the date knowing that you have some back up topics to talk about. I would, however, highly recommend to go to a place that is itself something to talk about already. Not a walk in the park, but a restaurant or ice cream parlour or something.
Sorry, I don't know, I don't think I helped much.
I enjoy talking to you, so feel free to keep talking as long as you wish. I understand I might not help at all though, but I promise I tried. Also, I think you need to believe more in yourself, through your words, i could only describe you as a caring and interesting person who would not harm me! <3
I'm just going to throw my church's explanation out there tho. It's because the act of creating a child is something to be considered sacred. If there's something not to be messed with, its the beginning of life. It's why us LDS disapprove of premarital sex or homosexuality or gay couples adopting.
Its not something my family has talked about at all, other than what I've already said. I learned everything else about the subject from the internet. Not that it's a good thing, I'm a recovering porn addict thanks to the 'net. And it's been rough
This explains all of it pretty explicitly,but there's more if you dig around on the site.
And yes, there's nothing wrong with being attracted to the same sex, buuuut sexuality outside marriage is VERY wrong according to our doctor doctrine, and so is marrying the same sex since marriage and family structure are so important and we really dislike the idea of perverting the concept of the family itself. Nothing wrong with non-sexual homoromantic situations I guess but... if we're being honest, if the other guy was interested in that too, it'd be pretty hard for me to keep my shorts on.
I think it's nice that you consider sex to be special, but.. I think once you have sex, you realise it's not that special. sex itself, i mean. sex is just sex, and, now don't be a kid, sex isn't just to make babies. even the sims have two options, sex and make babies.
saying sex is the act of creating a child is way too old fashioned. i respect you believing whatever you want to believe, and if you wanna wait, wait.
But once you start having sex, and liking it, what? you'll have sex and get pregnant 20 times because it's the will of God? Hope not. you'll probably feel like having sex sometimes withotu being like, damn, ima be pregnant again. so, that's how other people feel ,such as gay people, or people like me who im a normal girl who has a boyfriend for quite a long time now and enjoys sex and is not planning on having a baby JUST YET.
Sorry if I sounded kinda immature. Honestly I've got a bit of a problem. I believe I mentioned being a porn addict... I used to watch and fap almost every night. And even though I've been without porn for nearly 2 months thanks to help from my parents (now I'm forced to do internet only thru public wifi, no more at home ), I still can hardly last a week without masturbation. I mean, yeah I'm sure that having some sex drive is normal, but I'm also concerned that I'm still used to doing it too often. So I'm trying to quit altogether, trying to essentially get back to default settings and forget what attractions I have because of porn and basically rediscover normalcy.
And yeah, I'm also afraid that even if I find a girlfriend who's accepting of my faults, I'll be asking if she wants to do it far more often than she's comfortable with, for fun or otherwise. I dunno. I'm not ready to think about the future. I'm still figuring out other aspects of adulting.
I don't think you have to worry! It will be fine! There is surely a girl out there who wants more sex than you can even imagine!
I have a boyfriend whom I see nearly everyday, so I don't really ever watch porn or masturbate on my own, just because I much rather be in bed with him. So I can't really help. But it will be alright <3
IIN to want physical contact but not necessarily sex?
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Although I do think it is normal (sometimes I request a massage and I am actually feeling like only a massage)- i think you are only saying it because of this vow you took, and i sort of wish it wasn't like this! because sex is a normal thing and it shouldn't be forbidden. and also, i find it so stupid to marry a person you haven't had sex with, because sex is a VERY important part of a relationship and if you have never had sex... well, you don't know if you guys get along well in the bed.
i have had an ex, who i loved more than anything back then. When we broke up, my heart was shattered for nearly two years, not even kidding. but we weren't that... great in bed together. i've way nicer sex with my current boyfriend for example.
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Knightmare
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Knightmare
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Hey, do you mind if I ask your thoughts on something?
"well, you don't know if you guys get along well in the bed."
After reading something I heard of what's called a "yes no maybe" chart... Basically listing a ton of things and both you and your partner mark what you think of that activity. I guess they came up with it specifically to help figure that out, if the two of you could do all right in that aspect of the relationship. Your thoughts? Would it be too weird to do with someone you were thinking of asking about marriage?
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yesnomaybeso
6 years ago
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yesnomaybeso
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Btw, It made me laugh that you are talking about a yes no maybe so chart when my username is called the same.
I think it sounds great. If you decided to wait for sex until marriage because of your religion (It's something I do not understand but I will respect), I think you need to at least TALK about it. You talk about all the things you want to do, and experience together, once you are already married. It doesn't need to be a chart like this, it sounds a little bit too... I dont know what to call it. I mean, don't print a paper with the list and be like please fill this up. I reckon that's too much! I'd feel like you are "studying me". It needs to be mutual, like, hey, let's daydream about this. Would you do that? oh me too. But i would be a little reluctant to do that, what about you? and obviously you can check out that chart you mention for ideas....
Wait wait WHAT? There is nothing too weird with the person you want to marry. My thoughts are that you should trust this person 100%, you can't be ashamed to mention something, after all, it's the person you want to spend the rest of your life together, right?
If you don't want to mention something because you are scared how they will react... I think it means you aren't ready to marry. If you don't ask now, when? when you are already married? So what if you realise you are not compatible with this person? It's not like you can't break up and say bye, like you could with a boyfriend. I believe you need to tell your partner everything. And they will probably agree, or at least, support you with it. If they don't, they might not be the right person for you? Obviously you can't agree with everything but if your partner didn't support you with anything at all, that would be something to consider.
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Thanks really, you've helped me more than you think.
And, about not being ready to marry... obviously I'm not ready. I'm just... thinking ahead I guess. I've got some serious anxiety issues, honestly I don't really have any close friends let alone a girlfriend. Trying to work through my fears one at a time I guess,tho it'd be useful to pick priorities... such as how to not worry about appearing retarded. Dunno if I mentioned it but the main reason for my anxiety is that I was diagnosed autistic but nobody even bothered to explain it to me, so CLEARLY they meant I was retarded. Don't really believe that anymore but it's lead to some habits that are nigh impossible to erase...
TLDR: Of course I'm not ready to seriously think about marriage
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Of course I did read your (longer) part of the message.
You made me so happy saying that I helped you :) I'm sorry about the fact that they didn't really explain about autism. I do not really know much about it but I guess this is in the past and you are willing to try now! I understand it's hard but it's the start! And to be fair, I'm 23 and I had never really had a boyfriend until now, I thought it was just not for me. I thought I'd never have one! I did tell myself there was nothing wrong with me, I was kind and nice and I looked good enough, but I just... felt like noboyd really ever considered me as girlfriend material! It did drive me nervous sometimes, like, sometimes I'd wonder if I would turn 40 without having had a proper partner. But it just happened! I don't even know how yet! So trust me that everything is gonna be alright and it will happen when it has to happen! however, you need to be open for it!
I am very shy and sometimes I find it difficult to make new friends. I have my school and uni friends, but sometimes if things aren't going well with them I worry and I wish i could make new friends. There's this sentence by picasso which i really like that says something like "inspiration exists, but it has to find you working". I sort of try and apply it to my life. i started doing it a few years ago, one day i was feeling very sad thinking i had no friends, so i thought... good luck exists, but you need to be looking for it- as in, if i never leave my bed i'm obviously not gonna make a friend. so from that day i tried to say yes to everything that was offered to me, i tried to smile to people and be nice and i tried to join more activities, like i joined some workshops, even went to parties (which i usually refused before)... i realise we aren't in the same position, but if anything that i ever experienced can help you, i would like to try and explain. <3
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Thanks. Yeah, while we're in different situations, I really can relate and learn a lot from that. Aside from constantly worrying about fitting in and asking myself if whatever I just said sounds normal, I'm always asking myself, "even if we could start a relationship, how do I know I'd be good enough for her", or something similar. Well, obviously I can't interesting enough to get anyone's attention if I never talk to them... Being shy is my detriment as well, I just never put myself out there.
There's one thing I have to admit. I have no idea what normal is as far as social interaction goes. Long story short... my parents were a little heavy-handed with the whole "don't talk to strangers" thing. I mean, I only recently realized that people actually don't mind talking to others that they don't really know. And I'm still trying too hard to not sound like a creep. It's weird, I have a habit of overthinking everything on an intuitive level, when logically I know that I'm not doing anything really weird... Everyone says that the problem is that sex ed is terrible, but in my case the problem is that they assumed that I actually knew how to interact with others without freaking out I guess.
If you don't mind if I ask... what would you suggest I do or say if I just want to meet up with a girl later to chat? Is this what most people would think is a date?
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yesnomaybeso
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I sometimes worry about what I say too. It's with people i'm not confident with, I say something and I wonder if I sounded stupid and they will think I'm too weird. But I have also realised that my friends are people who like the silly things I say, and even find it funny. I think I'm pretty normal myself but sometimes I do realise I say things that most people wouldn't say, maybe they think it's not morally correct or too freaky (E.g. i love harry potter and sometimes i will say something a little nerdy) or whatever - But I feel like saying it and so I will say it. My boyfriend says Im nothing like he ever met before, he says i'm like an innocent child who speaks up and doesn't know how to lie when something isn't great.
About your question-. First of all, I wouldn't invite a girl you just met out. Whenever a guy I barely know has invited me out, I have said no. Because I didn't know them too well and I was scared... or, I don't really know the reason, but I always ended up saying no! And while there might be girls out there that are more "adventurous" that I am, I can only speak for myself.
If you have any friend in common with that girl, I'd try and meet up with more people first. It would be easier, she'll be very likely to say yes, and it would be easier for you as well.
If you didn't have any friends in common, you could try and drag somebody else (a sister, a friend, a cousin... whoever) into going somewhere. It could be something like, I have three tickets for this movie, my friend and I are going, wanna come along? I'm just trying to think how it would be easier for you! It would be more relaxing and you would all get less nervous!
Maybe after a second time meeting up, it would be easier. I feel like "first" dates, if you wanna call them that way are easier if there's something to do. Like, if you just said let's meet up, it would get awkward, but if you say "i discovered a new restaurant that has loads of weird things, we should try it out", and then you could laugh about the food you are eating.. it just makes everything easier!
my first date with my boyfriend was a movie, the second, a Japanese restaurant. I had some Japanese food that I had never had before and he kept laughing at me whenever I would make any silly face because something was too spicy.
Anyway, I don't really know what to talk about in dates. I have probably never told anybody about this but when I was quite young, I met this older guy, he was from Perth and he travelled the world a lot. I just thought he was the coolest thing ever, and he fancied me. I never understood why he would fancy me whatosever! Anyway, so when he asked me to meet up, I remember I was super nervous, I wrote down a few things to talk about in case things got quiet and awkward. Because he wasn't from my city I remember I wrote down some stuff about the city, questions about his city, and also about countries I had been to. I don't think I have ever done that again, but it could make work for you! Just so you go to the date knowing that you have some back up topics to talk about. I would, however, highly recommend to go to a place that is itself something to talk about already. Not a walk in the park, but a restaurant or ice cream parlour or something.
Sorry, I don't know, I don't think I helped much.
I enjoy talking to you, so feel free to keep talking as long as you wish. I understand I might not help at all though, but I promise I tried. Also, I think you need to believe more in yourself, through your words, i could only describe you as a caring and interesting person who would not harm me! <3
I can understand that.
I'm just going to throw my church's explanation out there tho. It's because the act of creating a child is something to be considered sacred. If there's something not to be messed with, its the beginning of life. It's why us LDS disapprove of premarital sex or homosexuality or gay couples adopting.
Its not something my family has talked about at all, other than what I've already said. I learned everything else about the subject from the internet. Not that it's a good thing, I'm a recovering porn addict thanks to the 'net. And it's been rough
AMA
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yesnomaybeso
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Sex is special. That is true
Gay couples are normal and not weird or "sinful"
I am also LDS.
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Knightmare
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https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&old=true
This explains all of it pretty explicitly,but there's more if you dig around on the site.
And yes, there's nothing wrong with being attracted to the same sex, buuuut sexuality outside marriage is VERY wrong according to our doctor doctrine, and so is marrying the same sex since marriage and family structure are so important and we really dislike the idea of perverting the concept of the family itself. Nothing wrong with non-sexual homoromantic situations I guess but... if we're being honest, if the other guy was interested in that too, it'd be pretty hard for me to keep my shorts on.
I think it's nice that you consider sex to be special, but.. I think once you have sex, you realise it's not that special. sex itself, i mean. sex is just sex, and, now don't be a kid, sex isn't just to make babies. even the sims have two options, sex and make babies.
saying sex is the act of creating a child is way too old fashioned. i respect you believing whatever you want to believe, and if you wanna wait, wait.
But once you start having sex, and liking it, what? you'll have sex and get pregnant 20 times because it's the will of God? Hope not. you'll probably feel like having sex sometimes withotu being like, damn, ima be pregnant again. so, that's how other people feel ,such as gay people, or people like me who im a normal girl who has a boyfriend for quite a long time now and enjoys sex and is not planning on having a baby JUST YET.
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Knightmare
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Yeah I can understand that.
Sorry if I sounded kinda immature. Honestly I've got a bit of a problem. I believe I mentioned being a porn addict... I used to watch and fap almost every night. And even though I've been without porn for nearly 2 months thanks to help from my parents (now I'm forced to do internet only thru public wifi, no more at home ), I still can hardly last a week without masturbation. I mean, yeah I'm sure that having some sex drive is normal, but I'm also concerned that I'm still used to doing it too often. So I'm trying to quit altogether, trying to essentially get back to default settings and forget what attractions I have because of porn and basically rediscover normalcy.
And yeah, I'm also afraid that even if I find a girlfriend who's accepting of my faults, I'll be asking if she wants to do it far more often than she's comfortable with, for fun or otherwise. I dunno. I'm not ready to think about the future. I'm still figuring out other aspects of adulting.
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yesnomaybeso
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I don't think you have to worry! It will be fine! There is surely a girl out there who wants more sex than you can even imagine!
I have a boyfriend whom I see nearly everyday, so I don't really ever watch porn or masturbate on my own, just because I much rather be in bed with him. So I can't really help. But it will be alright <3