You've described a very serious problem but first of all, let me say that you've taken a huge first step in recognizing this issue and asking for help. Lots of people struggling like you don't have the courage or good sense to do what you've done so far.
You really do need to get counselling here, I don't know what else to even suggest that would be adequate. There's books and online forums, possibly group meetings for anger management depending on what your area offers. But you probably NEED therapy before you hurt someone and throw your life away.
Is it normal to think like this?
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Why is counselling not an option?
You've described a very serious problem but first of all, let me say that you've taken a huge first step in recognizing this issue and asking for help. Lots of people struggling like you don't have the courage or good sense to do what you've done so far.
You really do need to get counselling here, I don't know what else to even suggest that would be adequate. There's books and online forums, possibly group meetings for anger management depending on what your area offers. But you probably NEED therapy before you hurt someone and throw your life away.