First, let me say that I have a lot of respect for the fact that you're able to remain on good terms with your exes. Civility is extremely important, and I think we've forgotten that. At the same time, though, I think boundaries are also important. The fact that these friendships interfere with your current relationships shows that you may have passed the point that most would consider "diplomatic". It may also be (personally I would say it is very likely) interfering with your exes' relationships as well. Obviously you and your exes are free to do as you please, but I can understand why others would be reluctant to get involved, or make the comment that it's "weird".
Maybe there is another factor... and it is that I was always good friends with my former girlfriends before starting our relationships. And I don't know, I just wouldnt leave a friend behind.
I hear that, but you don't need to leave them behind, you just need to step aside and make room for the new partners. I'd have no problem with my partner staying on good terms with an ex, but if I thought they were discussing our relationship, or if he was asking her about his current partner, I'd consider it too familiar. (and I'd be pissed...) It's a balancing act. I think you'll find that the people you want to stick around aren't going to stick around if they feel they're getting a raw deal. Sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh here and I know it's difficult, I've been in this situation.
The real problem could be later, when you eventually have to harshly cut someone out of your life, so if you're interested in actual advice: Start backing away gracefully now and start actually being "diplomatic" with your exes and set some boundaries/borders (the metaphor actually provides decent guidelines), and not keeping them super close like you're still involved.
Because it's a weakness to hold grudges against someone just because you weren't compatable to have a relationship with them. Just because a couple fails to be compatable enough to have that sort of relationship doesn't mean they cannot be friends. That's just ridiculous. I know lots of girls I am good friends with but I couldn't live with them. I'm not only going to be friends with people I can tolerate living with. Personally if I was like that I wouldn't have any friends.
It's not about holding grudges, it's about moving on. If you have a romantic history with someone, and that person is still in your life in some form, it's GOING to affect your future relationships somehow. There's going to be all sorts of messy feelings.
You can rationalize it, or deny it, or whatever, all you want, but you're always going to be more than "just friends". And that's really not fair to your current bf/gf.
Relationship don't last forever. Part of being an adult is knowing when and how to end them, and then accepting that it's over.
Part of being an adult is knowing that other people can have different experiences from you and that doesn't necessarily make them wrong.
Some people are actually able to remain good friends with their exes, AND be close with them without letting those connections threaten their current relationships. Not all people are jealous and possessive about their romantic partners (past or present).
It's not about "moving on", it's about keeping people in your life who you care about but maybe don't share enough of a romantic connection to make it work in the long haul. Sure, some people (like you, I'm assuming) cannot handle it, but that hardly means everyone is in the same boat.
This is the point I was trying to make.
I'm still friends with my ex's and in all my relationships the reason they seem to end is because the girl felt it was like we were just friends. Personally I'm not sure if I'm able to experience romance the way most people do. It is healthy to keep people in your life who are there for you. I also know lots of girls who I never had a relationship with who are good friends. I see my ex's the same way and don't even normally call them ex's but would rather just call them friends because ex sounds bad. I've never had a bad breakup and have always gotten along with my girlfriends but I seem unable to bond with people to where I can live with them. Also even if I were to have another relationship I would never get with someone who has jealousy issues as I find that to be the worst trait someone can have in a relationship.
I'm in the process of a breakup now and am hoping to maintain a close friendship in the end. There's nothing wrong with wanting it to work that way and many people do actually make it work.
And, I find, it works best in instances where the passion has already died for both parties, so what's left is essentially a close friendship. The transition from romantic relationship to friendship is much easier for both people to manage then.
I respect a person's ability to be civilized and not dismissive. As you might notice from my subsequent comment, I think it's a balancing act about how to do it gracefully.
In this situation flexibility is much stronger than a rigid approach (it usually is). So I say that your approach is the weak one. Sometimes you may not have an easy way to keep people completely out of your life, if you live in a small community, or if the individual remains in your circle of friends, or at your workplace, then you may have to deal with them. Again, it's a matter of how to do it so you're not screwing everyone around.
Is it normal to still be friends with all your past girlfriends?
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First, let me say that I have a lot of respect for the fact that you're able to remain on good terms with your exes. Civility is extremely important, and I think we've forgotten that. At the same time, though, I think boundaries are also important. The fact that these friendships interfere with your current relationships shows that you may have passed the point that most would consider "diplomatic". It may also be (personally I would say it is very likely) interfering with your exes' relationships as well. Obviously you and your exes are free to do as you please, but I can understand why others would be reluctant to get involved, or make the comment that it's "weird".
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Maybe there is another factor... and it is that I was always good friends with my former girlfriends before starting our relationships. And I don't know, I just wouldnt leave a friend behind.
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I hear that, but you don't need to leave them behind, you just need to step aside and make room for the new partners. I'd have no problem with my partner staying on good terms with an ex, but if I thought they were discussing our relationship, or if he was asking her about his current partner, I'd consider it too familiar. (and I'd be pissed...) It's a balancing act. I think you'll find that the people you want to stick around aren't going to stick around if they feel they're getting a raw deal. Sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh here and I know it's difficult, I've been in this situation.
The real problem could be later, when you eventually have to harshly cut someone out of your life, so if you're interested in actual advice: Start backing away gracefully now and start actually being "diplomatic" with your exes and set some boundaries/borders (the metaphor actually provides decent guidelines), and not keeping them super close like you're still involved.
I don't know how you could say that this is something to be respected.
The fact that he cannot bear to cleanly cut the past out of his life is a weakness, not a strength.
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Because it's a weakness to hold grudges against someone just because you weren't compatable to have a relationship with them. Just because a couple fails to be compatable enough to have that sort of relationship doesn't mean they cannot be friends. That's just ridiculous. I know lots of girls I am good friends with but I couldn't live with them. I'm not only going to be friends with people I can tolerate living with. Personally if I was like that I wouldn't have any friends.
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It's not about holding grudges, it's about moving on. If you have a romantic history with someone, and that person is still in your life in some form, it's GOING to affect your future relationships somehow. There's going to be all sorts of messy feelings.
You can rationalize it, or deny it, or whatever, all you want, but you're always going to be more than "just friends". And that's really not fair to your current bf/gf.
Relationship don't last forever. Part of being an adult is knowing when and how to end them, and then accepting that it's over.
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Part of being an adult is knowing that other people can have different experiences from you and that doesn't necessarily make them wrong.
Some people are actually able to remain good friends with their exes, AND be close with them without letting those connections threaten their current relationships. Not all people are jealous and possessive about their romantic partners (past or present).
It's not about "moving on", it's about keeping people in your life who you care about but maybe don't share enough of a romantic connection to make it work in the long haul. Sure, some people (like you, I'm assuming) cannot handle it, but that hardly means everyone is in the same boat.
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This is the point I was trying to make.
I'm still friends with my ex's and in all my relationships the reason they seem to end is because the girl felt it was like we were just friends. Personally I'm not sure if I'm able to experience romance the way most people do. It is healthy to keep people in your life who are there for you. I also know lots of girls who I never had a relationship with who are good friends. I see my ex's the same way and don't even normally call them ex's but would rather just call them friends because ex sounds bad. I've never had a bad breakup and have always gotten along with my girlfriends but I seem unable to bond with people to where I can live with them. Also even if I were to have another relationship I would never get with someone who has jealousy issues as I find that to be the worst trait someone can have in a relationship.
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I'm in the process of a breakup now and am hoping to maintain a close friendship in the end. There's nothing wrong with wanting it to work that way and many people do actually make it work.
And, I find, it works best in instances where the passion has already died for both parties, so what's left is essentially a close friendship. The transition from romantic relationship to friendship is much easier for both people to manage then.
I respect a person's ability to be civilized and not dismissive. As you might notice from my subsequent comment, I think it's a balancing act about how to do it gracefully.
In this situation flexibility is much stronger than a rigid approach (it usually is). So I say that your approach is the weak one. Sometimes you may not have an easy way to keep people completely out of your life, if you live in a small community, or if the individual remains in your circle of friends, or at your workplace, then you may have to deal with them. Again, it's a matter of how to do it so you're not screwing everyone around.
You go boy! You r smart! I like smart people.