Is it normal to self reflect?
I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the way. I notice other people seem to be able to mentally step back and still be in control of themselves. I think I used to be able to do that, but I'm constantly fully present.
I had an interview for a job with Coke that would have been awesome for me. I wore a button down and my boots, I wanted to look nice and show I can handle physical work. I feel like I was doing okay until they asked about where I live. I gave them the address instead of the general area and got a little nervous. The interview ended abruptly after. I also moved my eyebrows a lot, I was trying not to show a stupid face but I don't think that helped. They said they'd call in a week or so but I saw through their portal they already dismissed my application that night.
I keep thinking about my past and how I used to be. I feel like there are answers there that could help me. I do remember always being a little shy and nervous though, I always had to be led on to fit in. I got better when I lived with my aunt and her family, but my ignorance and things out of my control ended that. I moved through several "homes" after that. I never felt like I belonged anywhere.
Part of me wants to reconnect with people, people who have liked me. I wonder if I might find part of myself again. I can't shake this recurring theme of burning bridges though. Everywhere I go. I'm scared of being laughed at or refused. I'm scared of even getting through the door because I expect to have it slammed on me at some point. I'm scared to go to work and out anywhere and to make friends because of this cycle. I try to be brave about accepting being alone but I feel so hollow and unhuman. I try to have dreams about my future but it's hard to be optimistic when the reality seems devoid of what I would call success.